Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Maniac Mansion............Part Three of Four



SYD
If they didn’t hear us before, they definitely did now.

INT. Second floor hallway.  Two doors on the left wall and a small staircase leading upstairs at the end.

RAZOR
So many rooms

SYD
I’m just waiting for the Scooby Doo gang to come running out of them.

The two investigate the first room.  It resembles a doctor or surgery office.  A desk, hanging skeleton, and an operating table are in the room.  Degrees are framed on the walls.  They enter quietly looking at the various objects.  Syd  touches the skeleton.

SYD
This….looks….real…..

Syd looks harder at the skeleton.  Razor looks at the operating table more closely.

RAZOR
Syd.  Look at this.  I think….I think it’s a real operating table.

Various views of the table are shown in close up.  Dried blood is scattered all over, stains, small canals where blood would drain and run down into a hole sticky with hair.

SYD
No way….

RAZOR
Sick…..who would have something like this in their house?

SYD
Some seriously deranged people.  I thought you liked this kind of stuff.

RAZOR
Not real actual serial killer stuff!  They probably killed somebody here!

SYD
Well we sure as hell aren’t gonna be next.

Syd continues examining the table while Razor moves to a desk in the corner of the room.  She looks at all the frames hung on the wall.

RAZOR
I didn’t even know there were this many doctorates.

She leans in closer to read one, putting her hand on the desk right into a pool of blood and hair.

RAZOR
AH!

SYD
What, what is it?

She peels her hand off the desk to show Syd.

SYD
You sure do like to put your hand in sticky things.

RAZOR
Shut up, this is gross.  I think I’m gonna puke.  We’re done with this room, I don’t want to be in here anymore.

SYD
Fine, fine no more medical ro----

Syd stops talking abruptly, hearing a noise out in the hallway.

RAZOR
What?

SYD
Someone’s coming.

He grabs Razor, flips the lights off and they hide behind the door.  Dr.Fred walks by mumbling to himself and goes into the next room.

RAZOR
Oh my god.  White lab coat!  That’s the guy!


SYD
We don’t know where Sandy is or what he’s capable of so don’t do anything.

In the next room, a small arcade is set up with a few stand up machines and a pool table in the corner.  Fred is playing an arcade game but not doing very well.

FRED
Sigh…..I can’t even let off steam when I want to.

He loses and Game Over flashes on the screen.

FRED
Damn.  I don’t even know why I play this.

High scores appear on the screen, most say GRTNCL.

FRED
And who are these names?  Green tentacle?  How does he even play?  Ugh, another time then.

He leaves the room to go back downstairs to his lab.

RAZOR
He’s coming back, hide!

The two hide back behind the door of the medical room.  Fred walks by but stops in the doorway.  He stares into the dark room squinting his eyes.  Taking a step inside he flicks the lights on.  Syd and Razor squeeze up behind the door, terrified.  Fred looks left, then right, then flicks the lights off and leaves.

FRED
Hallucinations.  Great.

Once gone, Syd and Razor go out into the hall, relieved.

SYD
Phew, at least we know we have the right house now.

RAZOR
That was one creepy looking dude.

SYD
I expected him to be a lot taller…….and he was.

RAZOR
Glad that was your only concern.  I don’t want to be here if he comes back, let’s just keep looking.  This house is bigger than I thought it’d be.

They begin walking to the staircase to go upstairs.
INT. First floor dining room.  Dave and Bernard are walking through.  There are two musty couches, a chandelier, an old broken radio, and another door at the other end.

DAVE
So this is the kind of living a great career buys.

BERNARD
Smells musty.  This cannot be beneficial for my allergies.

Bernard snorts and breathes nasally.

DAVE
What all are you allergic to?

BERNARD
Oh you know, the usual.  Dust, dander, cobwebs, pollen, fish, certain types of glue, cashews, felt, cherries, printing press inks, oak, chalk, green olives, milk, chili powder, coal, whiteout, car wax, furniture polish, and field mice.

DAVE
Field mice?

BERNARD
Well yeah…..they’re out in the fields…..all day.

DAVE
I don’t know how you function at all, Bernard.

Dave gives the room a once over.

DAVE
I don’t see anything out of the ordinary here, let’s move on.

BERNARD
Oh wow, look at this radio!  This is really old, probably an antique!  Aged very well.  Looks to be in great condition.  Well, except it’s missing one of its frequency tubes.  I bet I could fix this up in no time.

Bernard starts to fiddle with the radio.

DAVE
Bernard this isn’t the time.

BERNARD
Right…..sorry.

He looks at the radio sadly and then rejoins Dave.  They continue into the next room which is completely dark with no light at all.

DAVE
I can’t see anything, see if you can find a light switch.

There are a few moments of silence as they feel around in the air.

BERNARD
Wait, I think I’ve discovered it.

Bernard flicks the light switch on and the room is illuminated revealing a large library.  Books line the walls and there is a spiral staircase in the center of the room.  A lone chair with a telephone sits at the opposite end.

BERNARD
Wow.  This room is amazing.  Just look at all of these books!  Do you know how long I could stay in this room?

DAVE
Yeah, yeah real great.  Sigh…Damn it, where is she?

Bernard walks the room looking at all the books.

BERNARD
The Human Body, Dissection of the Brain, Higher Intellect, Cheerleading 101, History of the Octopus, Surgical Procedures, Asteroid Science…..

He comes to a potted plant on the shelf with a nameplate attached to it.

BERNARD
Chuck?  People actually name plants?

Dave  notices the phone on the table next to the chair.

DAVE
You think it would be a waste of time calling the police?

BERNARD
They didn’t believe you before.

DAVE
Maybe I can try to be an anonymous tipper?

He picks up the receiver but there is no dial tone.

DAVE
Or not.  No dial tone, must be broken.

BERNARD
Want me to take a look?  I am fairly certain I can repair it.

Dave thinks for a moment, unsure.

DAVE
Make it quick.  We don’t have much time to fool around.

BERNARD
Understood.

Bernard begins fiddling with the phone while Dave stares out the window worried.
INT. First Floor.  Small room with shelves and various items placed upon with a sewer grating on the floor.  Wendy and Michael are looking around.

MIKE
Look at all of this stuff.  I’ve never even heard of half of this.

WENDY
Tentacle chow?  This can’t be real.

MIKE
Maybe it’s a joke thing for a party.  I recognize this though, bottle of film developer.  I use it all the ti---

He reaches for the bottle but it slips between his fingers and shatters on the floor grating.

WENDY
Michael!  Be careful!

MIKE
It slipped!

WENDY
Ugh, we’re wasting time.  Dave probably found a way in by now.  Just leave it.

They go through the nearest door and come into a large dining room.

MIKE
Ew, what’s that smell…..

Wendy covers her nose and mouth and points to the long table.

WENDY
Oh god…look…

The table is covered in rancid food, stains, blood, flies, maggots, and things that haven’t been touched in what looks like years.  The whole room looks like a massacre.

MIKE
Ugh, I think I prefer the pool.

WENDY
I don’t even know what half of it is….

MIKE
That looks like a chicken….or at least it was….fifty years ago….

WENDY
I’m definitely going to puke.

MIKE
This kind of reminds me of that Chainsaw Massacre movie.

Michael starts taking photos.

WENDY
I’m scared enough already, Mike.

MIKE
Sorry.

The two continue into the kitchen.  It is in the same state of array as when Jeff had entered it.  The moonlight along with the bloody hand smears on the walls continue to evoke a terrifying mood.

WENDY
Mike this isn’t getting any better.  I have a really bad feeling about this.  I really hope the others are okay.

Michael notices the bloody chainsaw on the wall and motions towards it.

MIKE
---swallows with a nervous laugh---  I was kidding about the Chainsaw Massacre thing.

They quicken their pace to the front door of the mansion and Wendy opens it to find nobody outside.

WENDY
Dave?  Razor?  They’re not here.  Their cars are still there so I guess they’re inside somewhere…

They turn around and look at the staircase.

MIKE
We have to find them.

INT.Small landing above second floor with a large window and only one room with another small staircase close by going up to third floor.  SYD and RAZOR arrive at the top of the stairs.

SYD
More stairs?  How big is this place?

RAZOR
At least there is only one door on this floor.

A weirdly shaped shadowy figure begins advancing from the shadows on them.  Razor grabs the handle of the door and turns it when suddenly from behind them comes a large green tentacle.

GREEN
Oh….oh god…..hey! …..who are you!?

Syd and Razor jump back in fright as the tentacle approaches them.

GREEN
Ahhh….what are you doing  here?!

RAZOR
Holy crap!  What the hell!?

SYD
Is that a….?

GREEN
You’re not supposed to be in here!  You will be…um….what do they call it….um…punished!  Punished for your intrusion!

RAZOR
We aren’t here to hurt anyone!  We’re just looking for our friend!

GREEN
No friends are here!  Especially not yours…cause…I mean, I don’t have any…wish I did…but no!  No friends!  So, if you could just follow me down to the dungeon area.

Razor stumbles backwards onto the floor and a couple of guitar picks fall out of her outfit.

RAZOR
T….T….talking…..tentacle…..

GREEN
You are so going to wish you---

The tentacle stops his advance and is fully focused on the picks.

GREEN
Are…..are those…are those guitar picks?

Razor is taken aback by the question, too shocked to comprehend anything.

RAZOR
W….W….What?

GREEN
Those!  Yeah, those are guitar picks!  Oh man….do you play?!


RAZOR
T…T…Tentacle…

GREEN
What?  Yeah, I don’t see what…let me ask you then.  Guitar picks yes?

SYD
Uhh…yes?

GREEN
That’s great!  I thought so!  Hey, are you guys in a band?  Like with instruments and humans?  Oh, oh, do you have a label?

Razor and Syd look at each other uncomfortably.

SYD
Uh…well..um…we are in a band.  Well, I mean, she is…I sort of manage it.   But no, we don’t have a label…yet.

GREEN
Ohhhhhhhhh ---whispering--- that’s so amazing……I’m actually in a band too!

RAZOR
Oh…yeah…?

GREEN
Yep!  I…that is…we haven’t done much or even played anywhere…and aren’t that great…but, we practice all the time…every….so often.

SYD
You don’t say…well that’s cool…  I’ll be sure to keep an eye out for you guys on the charts.

The tentacle looks uncomfortably and nervously from the stairs to the two kids.

GREEN
Ah….ah…ohhh…forget the dungeon, do you guys want to hear what I’ve recorded so far?

Syd and Razor look at each other perplexed.  They are completely unsure as to how to handle the situation.

SYD
Uhmmmm….

RAZOR
We….uh….that’s

GREEN
Great!  It’s right upstairs, come on I’ll show you!

The tentacle hops up the stairs quickly and very excited, giggling to itself.  Syd and Razor huddle up and have a mini panic attack.  They whisper loudly to one another.

RAZOR
Oh my god.  Oh my god.  Holy crap!  I mean, what the………..holy poop crap!  What the hell was that?  It was talking, Syd!!  Let’s get out of here, find Dave, and leave.

SYD
What?  No!  We came all this way to rescue Sandy, we can’t just abandon her.  Besides, it seems friendly, maybe it could help us.

RAZOR
Syd!.....................It’s a god damn tentacle!!

SYD
I know, I know, I’m freaked out too….like you have no idea….but it  might know where Sandy is.  As long as we stay on its good side, maybe it’ll help us out.

RAZOR
I don’t know Syd, this is really weird.

SYD
We’ll be fine, just keep calm, I’m here.  If it gets too crazy we book it.  Okay?

Razor looks up at Syd worried but ultimately safe.

RAZOR
…….alright.  But, the first sign of trouble I’m gone.

SYD
Understood.

The tentacle pokes itself out from the top of the stairs.


GREEN
You guys coming?  I cleaned up all my laundry!

SYD
Ummmmm, yep, right behind ya!

RAZOR
Uh-huh.

The green tentacle giggles back up the stairs, while Razor and Syd look at each other and then cautiously follow up the stairs.
INT.First floor.  Library.  Bernard finally gets the phone to work.

BERNARD
There we go.  All in working order.

DAVE
Good.  I’ll try the police again, maybe they’ll trace the call.

Bernard holds his hand up to stop Dave, the receiver on his ear.

BERNARD
Oh wait….apparently it’s already dialing…

DAVE
What?  Hang it up then.

The dial tone keeps ringing until the sultry scary voice of Edna comes on to the line.

EDNA
Hmmmmmmm, well hello there…..and to whom do I owe the….pleasure…of this call?

Bernard goes white, scared stiff, unable to utter a word.

EDNA
Hello?  What’s wrong honey?  I’m so lonely up in this little ol’ room.  It’s been so long since I’ve had some intimate company.  I know you’re there.  I can hear you breathing….I like it….could be better though.  Let me show you how it’s done.

BERNARD
AHhhh!

He slams down the receiver horrified.

DAVE
What, what happened?

BERNARD
The….ummmm…the phone must only dial one number.  There was…a…woman…and she….breathing…it was getting….weird.

DAVE
Huh?  Whatever, let’s just find the others and see if they’ve found anything.

BERNARD
Yeah….yeah good idea.

Bernard is visibly shaken and they both leave the library.

INT.Dungeon under the mansion.  Jeff is walking around.  It is dark with bodies and skeletons of people chained to the wall.  A few small barred windows line the top of the one wall with the moonlight pouring inside.

JEFF
This is lame. I miss my surfboard.

He walks towards the other end of the dungeon looking at all the dead bodies.  The back wall has spray painted words and an arrow pointing to a large metal door.  The words are spelled wrong and say ‘Sekrit Lab’.  Jeff is confused and hears noises coming from behind the door.  There is a loud female scream and then silence.  Then the door opens and Fred walks out muttering to himself.

FRED
Cheerleaders are all pom poms and no brains….damn tentacle…

Fred stops and notices Jeff standing there.

FRED
Who are you?

JEFF
Ummm…the moon made me thirsty.

FRED
What?  Why do you people keep coming in here?

Jeff says nothing, his brain unable to process words.

FRED
Well, anyways you’re in luck, I need another specimen tonight.

JEFF
Huh?

FRED
Yes, why don’t you come with me.  I can get you all the moon water you want.

JEFF
Really?

FRED
Sure.  Right this way….

Fred takes Jeff into the lab and shuts the huge metal door behind them.  The dungeon is quiet again.

INT.Third floor.  Green tentacle’s room.  It isn’t very big and resembles a college dorm room.  There is a bed on the floor surrounded by two gigantic speakers, concert posters, and various other musical equipment including a keyboard.

SYD
This is a rockin’ room, man!  Look at the size of those speakers!

GREEN
Oh those, that’s an old model so I’m…kinda embarrassed about them.  I can’t really afford the new ones at the moment.  But, yeah this is my room.  We practice here.  My band, I mean.  We can get pretty loud, but Edna hates it.  Tells me to go ink something…….still not sure what she means by that…..

RAZOR
We get that all the time.

GREEN
You guys ink things too?

RAZOR
No, no, not that.  The volume.  I love it loud.  Helps me get lost in the music.


SYD
Sometimes a little too lost.

Razor shoots him an angry stare but he just smiles back.

GREEN
How long in Earth time have you been playing guitar?

RAZOR
A few years.  I started on keyboards and mainly did that until about five years ago.

GREEN
Amazing.  That is just….amazing.  Ummm…you think…ummm…you think you could play something for me?  Like….a sample of one of your songs?  I mean, you don’t have to if you don’t want to….you probably don’t….I did kind of force it….and I was going to kill you at first….so  it is understandable….you know what, its fine never mind.

RAZOR
No, it’s fine.  I guess I could do that, sure.

SYD
Rock that board, Razor!

Razor situates herself behind the keyboard.

GREEN
Oh geez….oh man…this is amazing…should I sit…or stand…or sit…stand..sit…or…or

RAZOR
Whatever you want dude.  Okay, this is just a little sample of a song I wrote called “Razor’s Edge”.

GREEN
---whispers to himself---  Gasp….that’s your name!

She starts jamming on the keyboard playing a song used from the Maniac Mansion video game.  Syd is into it and the tentacle is in awe, almost drooling.  Razor finishes up the song.

GREEN
That…..was…AMAZING!  You were….the things I….you don’t even…..my music is terrible compared to yours.


RAZOR
Thanks but I’m sure yours isn’t terrible.  Why don’t you play a sample for us?

GREEN
Really?  You really want to hear it?

SYD
Sure, lay it on us.

GREEN
Oh, oh okay!  It’s not a final mix…or…a mix at all but it’ll give you an idea….

The tentacle places a cassette tape into his player.

GREEN
Let me know what you think…no wait, don’t….well, just be honest….well, not too honest….ummm, ahhh, let me know what you think.  This song is called “Day of the Tentacle”.

The tentacle presses play and an odd song starts that sounds like a record that keeps skipping.  It’s  creepy and Razor and Syd look uncomfortably at one another.  A short time in, a very high pitched whistle begins and gets really loud rather quickly and stays loud.  Razor and Syd hold their ears.  Downstairs, windows shatter and Wendy and Michael hold their ears.
The chandelier and windows in the first floor living room shatter as Dave and Bernard hold their ears.
In the lab, Fred looks up to the ceiling, not bothered in the slightest.  He is setting up Jeff to be operated on.

FRED
Idiots.

Edward is in his room and jumps as his piggy bank explodes.  We don’t see his face.
Edna gets annoyed and angry in her room as well.

EDNA
What did I say Green?!!

Back in the room, Green turns the music off.  Razor and Syd look shocked.

GREEN
Ummm….that last part…ahem….might need some work.

INT.Third floor. Edward’s room.  The son is wearing an army uniform of sorts and talking to himself as a small tank with a hamster sits in the corner, watching.

ED
Sigh….I really liked that bank, Gilbert.  I swear, Green has no sense of courtesy.  I’m bored.  I wonder what dad is up to.  Probably the same.  I miss the old days, Gilbert.  Before the…….You weren’t around for those.  We actually did things.

Photos of the family in the past line the room.  Edward gets a small pain in his head.

ED
Ow….sorry….at least I’ve got you Gilbert.  Maybe my junior spaceman package will come today!  Then we can rocket away, Gilbert.  Leave this place…..far away……

Edward looks sadly out the window as the rainstorm begins to roll in.

INT.Landing before third floor.  Wendy and Michael come up the stairs.

MIKE
What the hell was that noise?  I thought it was going to crack my lense.

Mike checks his camera for any damage.

WENDY
I have no idea.  It was so loud I couldn’t tell where it came from.  Can’t believe we haven’t found any of the others yet.

They continue up the stairs to the large landing and the one door.

MIKE
I’m sure Dave can handle himself and by the look of the house, it looks like it’s been abandoned for years.

WENDY
We know they’re still here though.

Just then the doorbell rings.

MIKE
Uh-oh

WENDY
That could be anything.  Quick, let’s duck in here and see if anyone comes past to answer it.

The two quickly go into the room next to them.

INT.Edward’s room.  He hears the doorbell and becomes very excited.

ED
Gasp!  Gilbert, that might be it!  That was the longest six to eight weeks I’ve ever experienced!  Get ready Gilbert cause when I get back, it’s space adventure time!

The hamster runs around its cage excitedly as Ed leaves the room in a hurry.
INT.Darkened room where Wendy and Mike hid.  The room is very dark and only lit by a small red desk lamp in the middle of the room.

MIKE
Sure have a lot of rooms in this place.  This one reminds me of something.

WENDY
It’s pitch black in here.

MIKE
No, this table.  Yeah….yeah I have one of these.  It’s a darkroom!  Maybe their son is a photographer.

Michael examines the table.  There are developing trays, chemicals, and many photo developing materials and accessories.

MIKE
Ugh, smells rancid though.

WENDY
What doesn’t in this house.  Is there anything in the tray?

MIKE
Nothing in the tray.  A few photos are laying here though, nothing exciting.  The sky, a piano, some numbers under a picture frame, and some weird display of….octopus tentacles playing in a band?

WENDY
What?

MIKE
I dunno, I can barely see these.  See if you can find a light to turn on.  Maybe there’s one close to the desk.

Wendy searches the desk and finds a pull chain hanging from the ceiling near the desk.  She pulls it and a light comes on illuminating the room.  All the color drains from her face and a horrified expression immediately washes across her face.  She backs up slowly into Mike.

WENDY
M….M….Mike….

MIKE
These look strange.  Maybe they’re stuffed animals?

WENDY
My…god…..Mike….

MIKE
What?

Mike looks up to see what the problem is and his eyes go wide in shock.  Every inch of the walls are covered in photographs, stained with bloody hand prints.  The photos are mostly of teenagers, women, and cheerleaders.  Some are in really bad shape.

MIKE
What…the….hell…

WENDY
Mike…Mike…I think these are all the people that’ve been kidnapped….

As they stare in horror, Wendy sees a fresh photo of Sandy hanging overtop of some of the others.

WENDY
No…..

She walks over and tears the picture off the wall.

MIKE
Holy crap, they do have her….

WENDY
We are getting out of here….now.  Look at how many they’ve….killed.  We’re in way over our heads, let’s go get Dave, come on.

They quicken their pace for the door and open it quickly, running into and scaring Edward on the other side.

ED
Ah!

Ed out of defense, reflexively swings his space helmet and box at the two kids, knocking them both out.  Everything goes dark.

INT.Dungeon.  Dark.  POV eyes.  Blurry.  The two wake up.

MIKE
Ugh, ow, what happened?

ED
Oh good, you’re awake.

They both jump in surprise giving quick yells.

ED
Interrupting the mission.  Not very nice of you.  You’re not allowed to come, just me and Gilbert!  So stay out of it!  Now you’ve upset me.  Rude.  I hope you rot!

He slams the dungeon door as Wendy snaps into her senses.  She jumps up and grabs onto the bars on the door.

WENDY
Hey wait!  No!  Let us out!  Please!!  Help!!

She stops, breathing hard and eyes watering.

WENDY
Oh Michael this is bad.  Really bad.  What do we do?

Michael is visibly shaken and looks down the dungeon at the skeleton chained to the wall.

MIKE
I don’t know, but Dave better know what he’s doing and fast.

The camera centers on the skull of the skeleton.
INT.Third Floor.  Dave and Bernard have made their way up the stairs.

DAVE
No sign of anyone.  I wonder if they’ve uncovered anything.

BERNARD
The safety of their lives I admit still worries me.

DAVE
They can handle themselves, I wouldn’t have asked them if they couldn’t….well….maybe not Jeff.

BERNARD
This appears to be the highest floor so I assume we shall locate them here.

DAVE
I certainly hope so.

They enter the first door to find what looks like an entertainment room.  There is a mummy case, an exercise machine, a bed, and a poster of a sexy woman in mummy bandages.

BERNARD
It’s becoming increasingly difficult to find words to describe this residence.  Very unsettling.  Can’t believe I would actually prefer my two o’clock wedgie over this.

DAVE
Two o’clock?  You have a wedgie schedule?

BERNARD
No….but…that’s usually when the jocks find me.

DAVE
Bernard you’ve really gotta start standing up for yourself.  Or at least dress different….

BERNARD
My wardrobe?  But it reflects a sense of class and sophistication severely lacking in dress these days, first started in the—

DAVE
Okay, okay, never mind.

Dave quickly searches the room, Bernard does a more thorough search.  He opens a mummy case as bit and peeks again.

BERNARD
Huh, this sarcophagus is equipped with a television set.

DAVE
Looks like this is or was someone’s room.

They enter the next room, a bathroom.  The mirrors are cracked, floor and walls are disgusting, and a bathtub with the curtain closed sits in the corner.  Rain begins to fall outside on the window.

DAVE
Just a bathroom.  Pretty disgusting one too.  Come on, she’s not in here.

Turning to leave, Bernard sees the shadow of a person hanging in the bathtub behind the curtains.  It is moving back and forth very slowly.

BERNARD
---whispering---  Dave wait!....In the shower….is it a…..

Dave notices and walks quietly towards the tub.

BERNARD
What are you doing!?  We have to hide!  It might---

DAVE
Bernard please!  It doesn’t really look like a person…

BERNARD
Oh well then we don’t need to see.  No need to investigate further.

DAVE
Looks like…something…is hanging.

BERNARD
Boy, would you look at that toilet.

DAVE
Bernard, what if it’s someone that needs help?

BERNARD
The shower is a place of privacy though!

Dave just rolls his eyes and grabs the curtain.

BERNARD
Oooooohhhhhhhh

Bernard is clearly having a panic attack and whimpering.  Dave looks at Bernard out of the corner of his eye almost amused.

DAVE
Toilet is right there if you need it.

BERNARD
Too late.l

Dave whips the curtain open to reveal a mummy with no legs hanging from the showerhead, arms crossed in front of it.

BERNARD
Aaahhhh!!

DAVE
Ah!  Geez, what’s with all the mummies up here?

Bernard is just about drive heaving next to Dave.

BERNARD
What logical reason would anyone have that in a shower?

DAVE
I don’t know.  Maybe it’s just a prank.  You know, to scare someone named Bernard.

BERNARD
Well it’s very effective in that regard.

POV of someone sneaking up behind Bernard as they talk.

DAVE
Look, there’s something written on the wall behind it.

Dave leans in closer to get a better look.  A hand reaches out from behind Bernard and grabs his shoulder.  He jumps almost into Dave’s arms in fright.

BERNARD
Ahhhhh!  Mommy no!!

They turn around to find Razor and Syd standing there laughing.

RAZOR
Whoa, take it easy!  It’s just us dude, didn’t know we’d scare you that much!

SYD
Sorry, your mommy isn’t here unfortunately.  Unless you mean that mummy right there.

BERNARD
You could have announced your presence.  Heart attacks afflict a larger majority of people than you think.

He clutches his chest, still spooked.

DAVE
So glad you guys are alright, I was getting worried.  Did you find anything?

SYD
Oh we definitely found something beyond words alright.

DAVE
Sandy?  Is she alright?

RAZOR
We didn’t find Sandy.  But there is definitely some extremely weird stuff going on in this house.

BERNARD
Agreed.  We need to leave.  This mansion is much too frightening.

DAVE
Bernard.

SYD
Sorry about the scare, buddy.

BERNARD
It’s alright….but if you choose to do it again I may need hospitalization.

Razor looks past Dave and Bernard at the shower wall.

RAZOR
So…who’s Edna?

DAVE
Who?

RAZOR
The name on the wall behind the ….um…mummy?

DAVE
Oh, I don’t know.

On the wall behind the mummy, written in red, it says ‘For a Good Time, Call Edna’  and a phone number is underneath with only four digits.

SYD
I think that’s how I got your number.

RAZOR
Shut up

BERNARD
Only four digits in the number.  Must be a private home line only used for the house....gasp!...that must be who I spoke to earlier….when the phone dialed itself……oh god….oh man….

RAZOR
Oh?  You lookin’ for a good time, Bernie?

Razor nudges Bernard jokingly with her elbow.

BERNARD
What?!  No!  Of course not!  The thought of that scenario is gross beyond words!  We were trying to call the authorities for help.

DAVE
Speaking of help, have you seen the others?

SYD
Nope, we kinda got sidetracked by a new friend.

The group leaves the bathroom and begin walking out into the hallway.

DAVE
A new friend?

RAZOR
I’ll explain later, you’re never going to believe  it.

Just as they walk into the hallway, they hear talking from one of the next rooms.  They sneak over to the next doorway and peek into Edna’s room.  The room is very pink with a large bed and vanity mirror set up.  Edna and Edward are inside talking.

ED
But it isn’t getting any better!  I miss when we used to go out and….I used to have friends over.  Whatever happened to that?  We don’t even celebrate holidays anymore!

EDNA
Yeah so!  Keep this up and you’re going to piss it off!

SYD
---whispering---  Piss off what?

Dave just shrugs in confusion.

ED
Of course I don’t want to anger it….but…I’m getting worried.  Dad doesn’t eat or sleep anymore.  And he keeps bringing home cheerleaders.  I see him dragging bodies into the basement at night.  The screams from the basement give me nightmares.

Edna turns to face her nightstand making it so they both have their backs to the doorway.

EDNA
Yeah so!  This has to be done Edward!

While the group looks on, Razor notices something in Edward’s bedroom.  The hamster is jumping around in its tank.  Razor smiles and enters the room.  The voices get louder and Edward turns to leave Edna’s room.

DAVE
Quick, he’s coming!  Get in that room down there!

The group runs to the end of the hall to the last door and enter it.

ED

Well he better not ask me for my hamster and a cattle prod again!  Ugh….

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