Tuesday, May 9, 2017

My Soul Mate.....Always -- Part One.

Two years ago around this time I had exactly what I wanted and what life I wanted to live.  But I made a mistake and live every day wanting to have it all back.
There are times in your life when a lot of realizations start to materialize in your head.  Some growing up happens and things sort of clear your view as to what you actually want in life.  There are many causes for this to happen from situations to jobs to just plain thinking things through.  But sometimes it takes a year of one's self being torn down and depressed to the point where upon complete reflection....they know exactly what they want and how big certain mistakes may have been.  The past year has been full of its ups and downs.  In a period of a year my health has declined, family members are at odds and barely speak, arguments filled the air and depression filled the rest, projects were abandoned, events were missed, and I found myself in a place that I was just in a constant state of misery.  And all I could think was that this was my fault.  All I had to do was take the right actions that I knew I wanted to when they presented themselves.  But I didn't.  And now I pay that price.
I know now that I can honestly and truthfully say that I am not happy with my life and who I am.  But I was.  I know exactly who I want to be and what would make me so happy and the accomplishments I want to pursue.  I also know who I want to be at my side during all of it.  I'm old enough and broken enough now to admit that I made mistakes.  I was weak and afraid and didn't follow or listen to what I wanted or what would've made me happy and instead tried to make others happy and avoid anyone being angry or upset.  But I didn't listen to myself.
It hurt.  It hurt a lot and still does.  There is a huge empty void in the middle of me that cries out every single day to take that action and go for exactly what I want.  Exactly what my mind, body, and heart yearn for and scream for and want.  The biggest mistake I made was not fighting to keep the woman that made me know what true love was.  What a life of cooperative interests and support and genuine care felt like.  Someone who would punch someone to prove it and who's heart begged them just as much as mine did me to be closer to that person.
But I made a mistake.  A mistake that cost me more than I care to think about.  In hindsight I know the exact moment I would scream at myself to stop.  To listen.  To reach back out to her already reached out hand and grasp hers in mine with such strength as to never ever let go.  I know the exact moment I would go back to.  But I can't.  If there were any way possible, trust me, I would do it.
It's just not right.
Where I am right now.....It's just not you.
The memories now don't feel the same as the ones with you.  They don't carry any emotional weight the way ours do.  When I think back to the happiest moments of my life they all take place with you.  It's so hard to look in the mirror at myself knowing that I made the choices that I did and I am definitely paying the price for not acting when I should have.  To have something happen for you, you have to act on it and show it that it's what you want and that life just cannot go on without it.  Without you.
There are words and sentences that echo in my head on a daily basis that are a constant reminder of you and have latched on to me in ways that run through my mind monthly, weekly, daily.
There is a story that flows through my mind that I run through when I am feeling down or hopeless and it gives me hope, a smile, and a dream that makes me excited to pursue.
It all started a bit back when I worked at a Giant Eagle in customer service doing my job and hoping for an art job to come around.  I was in the process of starting another animated movie to help me get by and give me something else to market myself.  So, as I did with my first movie, I reached out to people to try and find voice actors for my film.  Not much was coming through but that was okay, there was a lot of time to go.  I had gotten an interview with Giant Eagle for a graphic artist position at another store and didn't get it and had no idea how not getting that position would lead to me being happier than ever.  Then one day.  One day that I later found out was more rare than I could have imagined.  The lining up of events to cause me to not get another job, to work that exact weekend, to work customer service that day, for her to be home from Ohio that weekend, to come in for lottery on a whim on that exact day.  A pretty, short girl came in with her mother to get some lottery and our eyes met.  I knew her.  I recalled her from a job from way earlier.  Ponderosa, yeah.  She was a buffet person and I would regal her with stories of my life and she would listen intently.  She smiled and I said hi and to this day I remember exactly how she said hello back to me.
"Hey, how are ya!"
I can't remember what if anything mumbled out of my mouth but as she left the store I watched her go and just before she turned the corner to be out of my life, she looked back.  Our eyes met and she smiled.  Then she was gone.  Then I had an embarrassing stupid moment, what was her name??
Oh my god, how could I not remember her name!??!
I tried so hard to recall it and racked my brain so hard and eventually it came.  That night I went straight home and using good ol' Facebook, I searched high and low for her.  Then there she was.  Her beautiful eyes looking into mine out of the little profile picture at the corner of the page.  Upon looking at her page I saw that she had been married, might still be married.  Damn.  The one picture that sticks in my head was a picture she posted of a truck with some runners hanging out the back of it and she wrote under it something about the urge to just drive up the runners.
Well, so she was taken.  I still needed voice actors so hey why not, at least I would have someone else to talk to.  So I went for it.  I didn't expect the response back to be what it was.  It was instantly wonderful.  Fun, funny, and just flowed so smoothly you'd think we were speaking with words of butter.  The conversations flowed from such a fun range of subjects that surprisingly we both shared interest in.  Marilyn Monroe, whose book I was reading and we both happened to have read, to Star Wars to video games and more.

 I remember specific pieces of those convos and also later finding out that I took a bit too long to respond back to her messages lol.
She was so jealous I had older Nintendo consoles and was surprised I had never played Yoshi Story.  She watched a lot of Netflix through her Wii and spent a lot of her nights sitting on the couch watching Supernatural, some show I had never heard of which would later become a staple of our interests and viewings.  Our stories were shared and upon finding out that she was in the process of dealing with a break up, my hopes went up a little as here was this beautiful girl who was technically single. I know, I know, too soon, but I had to claim her before someone else in the single world noticed her.
Eventually our talks led to wanting to hang out soon, she was super excited for the animated film and even more so to just hangout.  This was going like magic and like nothing I had ever experienced before.  I was smitten.  We managed a hangout one night and I led her clumsily to my house with the worst directions possible, where I showed her around my room and my art and my heart was on the loudest volume as our arms bumped into each other and our skin touched, you could feel the emotions falling for her already.  We caught up and chatted into the night and it started to develop into more conversations, texts, and hangouts.  I remember discussing Marilyn Monroe and speaking to her about my dad talking forever on the phone with the cable guy while I read a Star Wars book.  I sent her pictures of a drawing in progress I did one afternoon of Angelina Jolie and sent her text pictures  throughout the day and another time on her way back home she was pulled over by the police.

She would lay on my bed while we watched TV and anytime I asked when she needed to go home she would reply with "when do you want me to"
Never
oh my god never.
Then gaming entered the ring and we played Mario on wii along with a few others while I sometimes fed her gummy bears and one night my heart knew she was the one.  She went home for the night to go back to Ohio the next day and I received a text that night from her asking if I worked the next day because she was thinking of staying another day and wanted to use that day to hang out with me.
What?
Me?
This pretty gamer girl??????????
Needless to say it only got better from there and one particular morning before work we played mario and after one level she put down her controller and laid back onto my bed and closed her eyes.  I knew that was the moment and while there was that moment of fear, my heart leapt up into my brain and screamed to not let that moment go by.  So I leaned in and our lips met for the first time.  Her lips were like silk and I felt that butterflies feeling more intensely than I ever had.  You could practically see fireworks and my insides screamed with absolute and total true love.  We got a lot closer but work was calling and she didn't want to go too far, which was understandable.  But I kissed her and I was lit up light a Christmas tree all day.
That was where the best adventure of my life started.
The sheer amount of memories that started after that night are enough to fill pages upon pages of books for a lifetime.  I gave her Animal Crossing early because she said she liked it and I even set us up a Zoo date so I could take her somewhere.  But she did me one better and on my birthday took me to a day of places that hasn't been topped to this day.  From the museum to the incline to the hard rock cafe, I still have a folder on my laptop labeled of just that day.

I still remember her ring tone being the Imperial March from Star Wars and it was awesome.  Her phone case was an old school tape deck that she sometimes swapped out with one that was a little gameboy.  Fun fact, I still have an iphone4 and won't upgrade simply for the fact that I am still using that gameboy as my case and don't want to take it off because it's a way to carry her around with me daily.
There were a small handful of unfortunate times sprinkled in as we spent our beginning days together.  I messed up her birthday shamefully and her full of herself friend didn't help that.  Making up for it the next day with the sims and banjo kazooie helped but I made sure I didn't do it again.  She was beginning to feel bad about her own life and issues and happiness with her job and career and schooling.  I wanted to be there for her the best I could.  I even got us a wii u so that we could experience a new Nintendo console together, us being the nerds that we are.  But, her own personal issues got the better of her and I was let go.  I remember walking her to her car and her stereo playing the song with the lyrics "say something I'm giving up on you" and she drove off into the night as I stood out there, broken.  I couldn't believe the best person to ever walk into my life was now walking out of it.  This would happen again down the line and it hurt just the same.  Needless to say, our hearts were too in love and something would always bring us back.
I remember sleeping on the floor of my room because I didn't want to use the bed unless she was in it.
Another time, I was watching Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back and eating cheez-its and we rekindled a bit over text before facetiming one another 'one last time'.
When we were back together, we began crafting memories and fun nights that make me smile no matter how many times I think about them.  The little Christmas tree that we set up with decorations and took pictures with after we bought it at Home Depot when she napped in my car during lunch.


We began working at the same place, The Limited so that I could make more money and what started as a cute time evolved into a mutual hatred of a job that treated us like we were nothing.  I'll never forget the night of a reset that lasted until the dim dark hours of the night and when we left, we got mcdonalds and sat in my room eating and watching Are You Afraid of the Dark until we slept.  It gave me a great feeling of worth and pride when I would bring her lunch at work.  I would walk in to visit and be greeted by what would come to be my most favorite phrase.
"Hey darlin!"
I never wanted a moment away from her.
But I had a test before me as she went to Mexico for a week and I was without my love.  She was amazing and wrote down her daily adventures for me to read when she returned and even brought me back sand in a bottle that I still keep on my bookshelves every day.  Along with the scientific sand that leaves no grains on your hand at all!  She got someone to airbrush a picture of, now watch me spell this, Chiza Nizu.......yep........which I still have framed.
Visiting her at both Alfred Angelo and Limited were a part of my day that I looked forward to.  If I wasn't at work I was visiting her or finding a way to surprise her like leaving fuzzy flowers in the doorhandle of her car when she left the Limited one night.
Halloween came and we carved pumpkins, Mario and a Ghost, while we watched episodes of Big Bang Theory on my laptop and made love every hour.

Christmas was beautiful because of her from her white hat she would wear while we ate lunch at the mall to our presents that we exchanged, I will never forget the reaction to Supernatural autographs and Luigi's Mansion.  Including a photo of her making it rain with a couple hundred dollar bills.
A few random choice memories that I have in a heart shaped box inside my mind would be:
Seeing Frozen in the theatre and spreading the word of it once it was on DVD.
Watching you beat the boss in your Japanese N64 game and looking back in total surprise when you did it.
The smell of the soup you would always make, even though I hated the smell.
Going to Phipps Conservatory with you and you photobombing the pics I took.
Going to the Aviary with you and comparing pictures we took afterwards.
Being introduced to Supernatural and getting hooked adding in Vampire Diaries, Friends, How I Met Your Mother, Friends, and taking a shot at American Horror Story
Seeing your become addicted to Lego Harry Potter and going to our first comic con together, Black Ranger!

Making cookies at your parents house with Jamie.
You telling me about the ghost that follows you around.
When you wore a sexy outfit under your coat and came over.
Sneaking out of your house once you had fallen asleep and walking home.
Helping you with your homework.
When you got me the Art of Marvel Studios books that I have standing proudly on top of my bookshelves right now as a constant reminder.
Reading your copy of Misery.
Learning that growing up you had a VHS tape of Indiana Jones and Return of the Jedi.
The casino.....I mean what?
Buying me nice shirts and shoes that I still wear to this day and haven't replaced.
Getting the balloons for your idea of a party at Alfred Angelo.
Writing you a poem while you were away.
Going to Art All Night and writing in marker our names on the one display.
When you wore your feety pajamas and ran around and we built a blanket fort in your room, then played Wii.
All the music you listened to while in the car and on your phone.
Watching you scroll through Facebook and Pinterest.
Getting you a special edition of the Notebook with a scrapbook in it just for us.
Watching you put your makeup on in the morning before work.
Watching all the Star Wars movies and making Phantom Menace bearable.
Getting angry with me when I beat mario bros wii after you died but loving hearing you say "weeegeeee"
Spidermonkey holding me while you slept and making breakfast in the morning.
The blanket fort we made in your room.

But, inside the perfect wonder that was her.....she was still unhappy with herself and how she was crafting her future.  It bothered her a lot and the only way she felt that she could make it right and fix her life to the way she wanted was unfortunately to be alone.
I was devastated.
I had managed to get her back and have so many fun times but ended up losing her again.
During this time my family was in the middle of moving houses and I was looking for a new job myself.  I managed to get a new job at an electric company in customer service which was the worst job I've had and my family moved a few streets away.  During this time I tried my hardest to keep together and just work my job and figure out what I was to do.  She stopped talking to me as to actually focus on her life and get to where she needed to be.  This went on for a little but she was always in my head.  I missed her.  I noticed that her friend was moving away and I got a little hopeful because without her friend, she would be a bit open during the day with nothing to really do.
Fingers crossed.
My finger crossing actually worked and one day at work I got a text from her explaining what happened and if I wanted to hang out to help her not be so bored.  I practically screamed yes at my desk.
We got together and it was like a dream.  We went to the zoo again, I still remember what she wore and she told me about the birth control she got and we went to Fridays, I showed her around my new attic room and we began to watch the Lego Movie.  Well, we tried.  It wasn't long before our hearts remembered that special feeling and reached out once again to one another.  We kissed and made love and spent more days together even with her always stating that we couldn't act like that anymore.  She quit her bridal store job due to some shady activity and was growing worried about her financial situation.  Until one day, she made the decision to follow in her friend's footsteps and see what Florida was all about and if that was where she could find what she seeked.
No, no no no, she couldn't leave me yet again.
It was something she was considering that quickly turned to a decision that was a few days away.  She was going for it and it was really scary to be honest.  The night before she left, we snuggled together in her room and I watched Clerks on Netflix while she tried to nap.  She dropped me off at home and with rain beginning to drizzle, I once again watched her drive away, only this time she would be 14 or so hours away from me.  I went into the house, unsure of how I felt.  I wanted her back right away and selfishly didn't want it to work out down there so she could come back and stay with me.  I recall being on the phone the most I could with her as she drove all the while playing Lego Star Wars and trying to get achievements in it.  When she arrived she tried to Facetime the palm trees and then began her time in Florida looking for employment and apartments.  The days went on and she would go to the beach and hang out with her friend and facetime me all she could, it even got dirty some nights.  Her friend began to grate on me as a bad influence and it sadly annoyed me a little much and she was unable to celebrate her school victory the way she wanted.  But out of all of it came a really great thing.
She was able to clear her head and knew where she wanted to be and who she wanted to be with.  She was thinking about us again and wanted it for sure.  I couldn't have heard any better news.  But moving down there?  I had never done anything like that before.  Could I?  I decided that if it was going to be with her as my girl, then it would be more than worth it.  Now how do I explain it to everyone here without causing a massive hatred/depression movement.  Nobody wanted me to go.  Which I didn't understand.  This was something I wanted to do with someone I loved, if it made me happy then why wouldn't they be in support of that?  It became a really rough time with high emotions and more and more arguments.  The day was fast approaching and I was getting very nervous.
She ended up finding a place to live and to be honest, it was amazing.  Not only was that amazing but the fact that she was able to go down there on nothing and get a job and find a place to live in less than a month.  She was proving that anything was possible.  Now I had to do this.  In my head it wasn't as bad as everyone else was taking it.  I could understand it though.  My family liked having me live close so they could see me and vice versa often and I enjoyed doing that too.  This girl meant a lot to me though.  So I packed it up, quit my job, and one night set off for Florida.  My parents cried so hard and I had to leave them there like that.  It was the worst I had felt in my whole life.  The drive down was very difficult.  Not only was I a huge emotional mess, but I couldn't stop crying and was driving to more unknown than I ever thought possible.  I eventually was able to calm with a lot of thanks going to her who would call back to me and be there for me.
We got there the next afternoon and proceeded to check out the apartment and start moving it all in.

 It was hotter than hell and I still haven't sweat more than I did that day.  I can remember all the boxes being in the living room and my tv on top of a tupperware cube with my xbox hooked up to it while we ate Boston Market on the floor and watched Supernatural.  It still felt surreal.  The bed was set up and we slept our first night in our apartment together holding each other like we were all each other had.
And we were.
She would work during the day and I would clean the house, unpack, call places, and just try my best to calm myself down.  She had a perfect dog named Sammy who was my new buddy during this transition and I knew while she was away at work I had a little friend to keep me company while I tried to adjust, even if he acted like a retired old man.

Once we set up all the internet and such, I began my daily search for a job.  I felt terrible even more so because I didn't have much funds to help us out and she paid for a TON of everything for a period of time.
I should have let her know how much I appreciated that more and really gave back on my end because she really went through hell and was the absolute best in keeping us afloat while I looked for employment.  That's one thing I regret not doing.  I should've let her know every single day that she was such an angel and I wasn't going to take her for granted.  It got a little scary sometimes but in the end, she was more than an angel. I had some spending money and I remember going out to the store to get a trash can and some much needed things for the home.  We started to adjust well to living there and I continued to job search while she worked.  I would try and hold up what I could and cook dinner for her to come home to and vacuum and walk the dog.  I did watch movies while I applied to try and catch up on my viewings.  Big Trouble in Little China, Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, Anchorman 2, The Graduate, etc.
She wanted to go through all my DVDs from the beginning and watch all of our movies, she watched me play video games at night and help me out with where to go and what to do if I got stuck.  The Evil Within had a particularly frightening creature that she couldn't even look at the screen for.  I wanted to take us to the movies to see the new Ninja Turtles movie and we started watching through all my Disney movies.  Until we made it to the Lady and the Tramp and she got a phone call from her mother with horrible news.  Her nan had passed away.  I knew the feeling as my grand mother had passed away not too long after we got to Florida.  She managed to have enough money and time for us to drive home and do the funeral and visit home.  Our drives were always fun as we took turns driving and singing to music in the car from Michael Jackson to Journey to Cher.  To stay awake she would ask me to tell her a story or we would listen to podcasts.
I eventually did get a job at Hobby Lobby and that helped with money for a little bit of time during the holiday season as I was there until just after Halloween.  We would order pizza with Fritos on it and chinese food and take so many trips next door for the 2 for $20 meals at Applebees and Chilis.

We tried to watch a scary movie a day in October and managed to pull it off and when she dressed up for the holiday nobody came to the door.  I walked in from work and she was on the couch and looked up and said "nobody caaaame".  She made our place look amazing with decorations.  Once the stress died down and things started to feel a lot better, our relationship started to feel a lot better too.  We made love more and began showering together and feelings of forever together began to really catch fire.  We explored the area and went to the mall.  We found a game store called Blue Dragon and she would always try on the rings at the mall.  Her family came down to visit for a wedding and they decided to go to Universal Studios while down there and I was then invited.  I didn't know it at the time but that would be the bug that bit me to infect me with the virus of never ever ever wanting to ever leave that park ever again.  From Spider-Man to Harry Potter to Jurassic Park, I was in heaven.  To make it even better, it was all her first time too.  We had the most magical fun place on Earth as our place.  She was the perfect angel that just kept getting better.
More specific memories that float around my head constantly would be:
Deeeean?  Sammy!  and Dean screaming in terror in that episode, you know the one.

Dancing to music while cleaning the apartment.
Sitting on the balcony with you listening to the fountain while you smoked.
Waking up in the morning and hearing my xbox turn on and the music of Lego Harry Potter begin to play, putting a huge smile on my face.  My gamer girl.
Her anger when trying to beat the final boss of banjo kazooie.
You doing discussion questions through online school
The continued anger of trying to beat bosses in diddy kong racing
Your delicious Chili you would make and the many ramen recipes we created.
My hallway of art.
Spilling drinks on the carpet.
Cooking Mama in bed and your radio playing while you got ready for work.
The shoes that lined the closet all along the floor.
The bug on the balcony railing that I had to use a broom to push away.
Going to the beach together and trying to throw you in the ocean.
The movie theater to see 50 shades, minions, ant-man, ninja turtles, avengers, cinderella, and how happy you were just to watch the Force Awakens trailer over and over.
The way you would say "into my wallett!" and Juuice!
You gave me the name of my Etsy store that I use now, Geek Sense.
Falling asleep on the couch together while watching TV
Introducing each other to movies the other has seen like Sound of Music and Rocky Horror.
You visiting me at work to get the house key and me turning around so happy.
You breaking said key in door.
The chinese food delivery guy who the dog wanted to meet.
Making you a table with love painted on it and paintings for the walls that were pop art looking and one that said Be-you-tiful.
The lottery ticket scratch off that you won 100 bucks on.

For Christmas we got a real tree and she surprised me with two little nuggets of joy for the holiday.
Two little kittens that we went to go rescue and named Harley and Quinn.  I look at them both now as I write this and they are the only part of her that I can spend every day with.  She would take pictures of them with my camera to try and test the camera and work on her photography skills.

New Years was spent on the beach at a big festival and I was a complete ass and just about ruined it because of her friend once again.  I don't know why I couldn't just enjoy the time with my lady and ignore her friend but it started to seem like our life was just seeing her friend or doing what her friend wanted and it was starting to cause problems in our relationship because of it.
My lady's birthday wasn't full of people like she wanted but I was able to get her wonderful gifts and an ice cream with candles in it because I was not going to forget it again.
Valentines Day came months later and she surprised me this time with the coolest best gift of all.  Passes to Universal.  OMG  We could go whenever we wanted how many times we wanted.
Heaven.  I was now in heaven.
Unfortunately my mother was during this entire time texting and saying things to me to bring me down or feel terrible for leaving and playing the guilt trip like i had never seen before.  She was relentless and just kept getting worse.  It was starting to really affect me and become troubling and dangerous.  I wish I was stronger.  I wish so badly that I didn't let it affect me.  I had everything I had ever wanted and was truly happy.  But it just kept making me feel so so badly.  It was true I missed home and my girl even agreed that after a year we would look at moving back home to be near family again to start out life.
We continued to go to Universal and it was beyond magic.  We were the happiest little kids going through Harry Potter world and riding Spider-Man over and over.

Her favorite ride was the Mummy ride and she even liked to say her favorite quotes on every ride.
"The Magii" - Mummy
"Gonna take a bite out of the big apple" - Spider-Man
The little mouth robot in Transformers
"It's a diverrrrrsion!"
Running around the parade to reach the Terminator show
Eating at every restaurant from the Universal monsters place to all the Harry Potter places and even the place with the big fish tank and the Universal butters
The ducks in the pond
Those long lines.
The scary face I could never find in Harry Potter
My nerves on the Hulk coaster
The drop in the Jurassic Park ride
Getting butter beers and spending too much on food and snacks, I still have the Weasley box that you bought in the other room.
Going on the Popeye ride and getting soaked.
The Suess train in the rain
Cat N the Hat scaring us
Hearing the people talking around us about working on the ride and the british people while in line at Gringotts.
You getting just about sick on the Simpsons ride.
Turkey Leg
Getting me to go on the Triwizard Dragon coaster
The refillable cup that sits in my cupboard still
Seeing the GooGoo Dolls play
The amazing Shrek "ride"
The makeup show where the werewolf scared you
Yelling thank you to spider-man
The Universal history movie that they showed on the water on the lake.

My favorite of all though, was walking along the lake holding hands at the end of the day with the nice music playing and just being in that moment with you.  I don't know if I ever said it but it was the one moment I always looked forward to.  I knew I had achieved everything I wanted in life as we walked hand in hand, you in your white star wars backpack and me just basking in love.
No ride or rush of anything that day could top the feeling of walking that path with you.  The music and the quiet of the end of the night.  If there were any time when I was reminded of how special you are and just how in love I am with you, it would be that moment.
Then the unimaginable happened.  First her friend had to live with us for a month which put a lot of strain on our relationship.  I do understand that her friend was in need and had nowhere else to go and I did let it get to me a bit much but the friend was a handful most of the time and wasn't a very great influence on my girl.  But, looking back I was very crappy about it and her friend did help her out during her life a lot and let her stay with her for a month while she looking for places in Florida for us.  It was very difficult for me because I didn't feel like I had my place or was able to be me and enjoy my relationship.  Then once that was over, her family decided to yes move down and the thoughts of being near my family and hers at once started to drift away.  So we went from that to now someone else living with us and I couldn't be me like we were because this was her father living with us.  It became really uncomfortable and started to really harm my relationship.  I shouldn't have let it but it was tough to be in love the way we were with a family member there.  It sounds terrible because family members will always be around but it started to seem like the idea that I wanted for us didn't matter or hold any value.  My fears and worries began to creep in.  I was used to being naked and being naughty to my girl and just being fun and silly and falling asleep on the couch while watching netflix and us being two silly in love nerds, but now it was just too awkward.
We went home for Easter to visit family and I saw that I did miss them a lot and it started to mess with my head and I let it overtake me way too much and my girl began to start to show second thoughts after our months of love together.  I was stuck and unsure of what to do.  I didn't want to lose her at all.  The thing that really got me was that she had picked out her ring.  I was fully on board and even had an idea of how I was going to propose to her.  The happily ever after was within reach.  Every time we went to the mall we stopped at the rings and the same nice old gentleman waited on us wondering when I was going to put a ring on her.  I wanted to that year my good sir.  That was the plan. Instead of calling her darlin, I'd be calling her wife.  But I had a fear and anxiety issue and was too heavily influenced and swayed by my own family.  I was weak and didn't have the balls to fight for what I wanted.  What made me happy.  I was too worried about upsetting them than getting what I had been dreaming for my whole life.  She was right there in front of me.  Her beautiful eyes looking into mine every day.  When I made her eggs before work and made sure to walk the dog while she was gone.  Cleaned the place up so she didn't have to when she got home from work.  Played with her hair while she laid her head in my lap and looked up things on Pinterest and Facebook all the while we watched Supernatural or How I Met Your Mother.
Haaaaave you met Ted?
Pivot!!
Deeeean
Sammy!
Family business and Dean dancing to Eye of the Tiger.
Our experimentation watch of American Horror Story and laughing at the man getting squirted in the face from a broken faucet on AFV.  From going through all Marvel movies and X-Men movies to White Christmas, Rocky Horror, I Dream of Jeannie, Big Bang Theory, Vampire Diaries, Pretty Little Liars, and the bunches in between.
I found my lobster.
I found my princess peach
I found my other.
Yet there I was, letting it go down the drain and letting too many things influence me and bring me down and bring her down.  I wasn't myself anymore.  I'm ashamed and embarrassed with myself because given the chance, I would go back and slap the shit out of myself.  She was an angel incarnate and proved every day that we were partners to the end, hand in hand, heart with heart.
She told her family to get ready for the wedding and was in the best spirits.
And I crushed it.
Not on purpose mind you, not even in the same star system of on purpose.
But I did crush it.
It's a pain I still feel to this day and would give anything to make it right and bring it back like a phoenix from the ashes, full of renewed life and splendor.
When we got back to Florida with her father, it was only a matter of time before our perfect kingdom began to crumble due to my unresolved anxiety.  I asked her father permission for her hand in marriage and he gave it.  But I had not created stable ground for us at that point and when she came home, it was over.
I'll never forget that night.  I couldn't believe it.  I was beyond shocked.  She was going to be my wife, this was it, this was our life!  But I let the stupid small things and the mother and family issues become something toxic in my head and wasn't thinking for me anymore.  The honest truth of what made me happy inside and truly complete, was living with her and being with her and being able to call her mine.
Just like the photograph in Back to the Future, everything was fading.
I panicked a lot and was beyond sad.  Her reasons had made sense though and I did understand but I was and still am willing to work through and fix and do whatever it takes to make right.  It very quickly became the saddest time of my life as I had to sleep on the couch every night alone, away from her.  Not kiss her when she got from work and couldn't have her hold me at night or even snuggle on the couch.  I spent my nights after she went to sleep, quietly crying and praying that it was all a dream and that I could fix it.  I played games at night because I could not sleep and looked to the hallway every chance I could hoping I would look over and see her standing there telling me to come back to bed.  The pain never went away and our hearts were still meant for one another, she was hurt and I was in no position to show her that she was my world and I didn't want to be without her.
After a bit she did invite me back to bed so I wouldn't have to sleep on the couch and like an idiot, I finally started to do what I should've done months ago and without being told.  I painted the furniture and cooked dinner and did everything I could to try and show that I wanted to be hers.  But, I hurt her too badly.  Slowly we became our super close loving selves again but the relationship wasn't being allowed to move forward.  I tried every chance I could to feel her, be near her, steal a hug or a quick kiss.  Bought her movies and flowers and whatever I could.  The end of my time there was coming close and I was really starting to get depressed about what was coming.  Near the end we decided to have a weekend to ourselves at Universal Studios and I honestly thought this was a good chance to try and bring us back.
The hotel adventure became a memory that I will never ever forget and hope it's something we can do again.

To start with, once we got to the hotel, the rooms weren't available and they sent us to another hotel and gave us some cookies....like that was going to help the situation.
I ate the cookies
Once we got to the other hotel, we checked in and noticed something amazing was going on.  There was a little comic/anime con going on at the hotel.  Once there she said something that made my day and quickly made me happier than I'd been lately.  She said that that weekend, as a one time thing, she was my girl again.  We had a fantastic weekend with all the cosplayers and even an interesting dance party going on with them all dressed up.  Universal was fun as always, well, there was some anger when looking for somewhere to eat but we ended up going to the Hard Rock both days.  I remember a moment right before we left the hotel where I saw her looking off into nowhere, deep in her own head and she said that it would be so easy to go back.  To be together.
We continued to have good times together and it only made the oncoming day of leaving hurt that much more.  The job I worked at had a little going away party for me at a restaurant and I even got a card from one of my coworkers.  Afterwards I went out to my car and cried because I had made a bunch of new friends that I would never see anymore.  Even my replacement only looked forward to coming to work because of me and quit soon after I left because it wasn't the same without me.  While she went to work I would do whatever and go to the beach and think of any way I could to cope or try and save things but in the end she stuck with her decision.
I traded my seasons of Big Bang Theory and a Paper Mario game for some love making and I haven't watched an episode of that show since....nor of Supernatural....or How I Met Your Mother....those were ours.
We took a last trip to Universal.  One last walk down that river and we even held for the water show.  Then the day came and to this day it was the hardest, saddest, most heart wrenching thing I have ever done in my life.  I had to say goodbye to my life with her.  Say goodbye to little Sammy.  Look at our place one last time and step out that door.  The drive home being the most depressing experience, I don't think I'll ever cry that much again.  There were so so so so so many times I just wanted to turn right back and run to her, but when she called she made sure I didn't.
I moved into an apartment owned by my mom's friend and I got a really good deal on rent, I tried to set myself up with a new life and my new start but all I could day dream about was living there with her.  I got a job and we began talking on the phone and texting and eventually facetiming more often.  I was still head over heels.
What started to happen was she began to miss me and put it out there that sometime in the future there may be a change with things.  But the moving back idea was still something that bothered me, especially because I moved for her and us and then back home and was out of money and could't find it in myself to move all my stuff again and put my family through that.
She made it hard to resist though.
I never thought there would be a time of me moving back down so I just tried to go day to day all the while keeping her near so I would at least have her as mine virtually.
Then I met someone at my new job that began the most difficult, stressful, regretful, depressing, painful, upsetting, and draining year and a half of my life.
I remember every moment as it hurt because I knew it wasn't right.  Nothing felt right or the way it was supposed to be.
My soul mate had decided that she was going to try and reconcile and bring us back and I dropped the bombshell that destroyed the first of many moments.  From the beginning there were issues and problems and I had to let the new girl know that I still had feelings for someone else.  She was upset and angry and because I hadn't learned from my past, I felt bad that I upset someone and did what I could to make them happy, instead of what would make me happy.
One night there was a phone call made to my true girl and she was in bed crying and the words she said have echoed in my head every single day, every single day since then and have never left.  They ring true to this day and have always stuck in my head and I've thought of them at least once every single day since.
She said:
You're my Edward.
She said she wanted to be there when I succeeded and be by my side as time went on.
You're my Edward, nobody elses.
And she was right.
Still is.
I don't want to be anyone else's Edward but hers.
I never left.  I never stopped.  It was incredibly unfair to all involved and I only let it get worse due to fear.
We continued to have problems and trust was called into question because I was still talking to my real love.  Out of fear and intimidation I did things that I regret and am not proud of and if I were in the mind that I am now, would never have done.  I made a terrible phone call to prove to the new girl that it was over between me and my love and i made her cry.
That night I cried all night and was inconsolable.  I had never acted like that and had never had someone able to do that to me.
The days continued and I tried to move on with the new person that I thought I wanted to be with.  I was told by all that it wasn't right and they weren't good people.  If only I listened.
The times weren't all bad and there were some good times in there but overall it was a slow toxic poisoning that I didn't notice until things got really bad.  I began to lose jobs, my money, my confidence.  She started to become more rude and yell and treat me like I was her misbehaving child to the point where I wasn't sure how to act like me anymore when I saw a friend.  To her credit she did help me a lot when I was unemployed and I do owe her that but when it wasn't those times, I just began to break down.  I tried to reach out to my real love but I was still living in fear and was caught by the new girlfriend which began a trust issue that escalated to levels that I don't even know I can recover from.  Due to not being able to trust me by talking to anyone behind her back, she erased all of the contacts in my phone that were female, linked my emails to her phone so she saw every single one that came in, took over my facebook and ran it herself and deleted all shared and tagged moments that I had with my real love.
That was what finally set something off in my head.
Those were cherished memories I had and never wanted to lose.  All of our posts together were memories I never wanted to forget.  Then one person comes along and destroys it all.
I can still see them in my head: The picture of me drawing that you took and wrote that you could watch me draw all day.  All of our movies and dates we went on.
My family then became annoyed with her and she began creating a lot of drama putting me at odds with every family member to the point where now my sisters don't speak to me and my parents wonder if I'll ever be their son again.
I lost most of my friends due to not speaking or hanging out and I became someone who only associated with her.  Never did anything I wanted and had to make sure I showed her attention.
It didn't hit right away but as time went on I began to actually see what everyone meant and notice just how bad things were getting.
At this moment in time I don't remember the last time I laughed.  I miss movies I want to see because she doesn't want to.  She doesn't like fiction.
She doesn't like fiction.
She calls it nerdy stuff and has made fun of it on many occasions, I have to play games when she is at work or asleep, I never get to watch a movie I want to so I just buy them and put them on the shelf for one day, the same with video games.  I have started to feel bad about liking what I do, my health has gone downhill, I lost most of my money to which I am finally now getting back on my feet by working two jobs 7 days a week.  I'm constantly being yelled at and made to feel bad for making her waste time in a relationship going nowhere.
It just all hit a fever pitch that is just about to destroy me.
So I work.
I work at Cigna during the week and on weekends I work at Half Price Books.  For some crazy reason, every single time i work on the weekends, as I put books away on the shelves, I day dream that I look down the aisle and there you are, my soul mate, standing at the other end.  Our eyes meet and we run down the aisle to each other in a huge embrace.  Tears running I say that I missed her so much, she says the same and we hug and hold like we never have before.
I had a chance too.
I had a really good chance.
She moved back home for a bit and she was literally right down the street from me.  She was right there.  And I didn't go for it.  Because I was afraid of what would happen with the new person.  My fear for the last time wiped out all hope to be with my soul mate.
I saw her with someone new and my heart broke.  What did I expect?  If you don't make a move then someone else will.  It reminded me of that Bruno Mars song.
I should've brought you flowers
and held your hand
should have gave you all my hours
when i had the chance
take you to every party cause all you wanted to do was dance
now my babys dancing
but she's dancing with another man.

I remember her playing that song in her car and telling me to listen to the lyrics.  I had no idea how those lyrics were warning me of so much.
I would walk up the street on my days off while the new girl was at work and look at her house and one day I did see her.  She wore a red dress almost like a strawberry and she looked beautiful.  I wanted to run over with all the roses I could and kiss her, hold her, hug her.  But I couldn't.  We were both with people now.  But it wasn't right.  It wasn't her.
She has now moved back away and my love is no longer down the street.  All I have to blame is me.  She tried, I've never had someone try that hard and so persistently.  Nobody has ever served it in front of me on a silver platter.  She has been beyond amazing and proved just how much she wants us to try again.  I know that I have hit the point of where I am, that I know exactly what I want.
I'm ashamed that it took so long and I made so many mistakes and I hurt so much.
This isn't right.  I'm not happy and we have no common interests and fight more than get along these days.  There have been so many bad moments and I can't deny that my heart was never with it and always with someone else.
She doesn't hold a candle to you.
No, I'm in love with someone that makes me feel complete.  Like I can achieve anything.  Like I can be me and really know what love feels like.
I want my Ramona, not my Knives.
I want the girl who can kick my butt at Mario Kart.
I want the girl who sings at the top of her lungs in the car to Journey, Cher, Pitch Perfect, and Barry Manilow.
I want the girl who goes to comic cons and not concerts.
I want the girl who can actually be herself.
I want my wizard woman with her wand and Gryffindor robes yelling Expecto Patronum around the house.
I want the girl who laughs when Sherlock Holmes asks Watson if he wants some tea and Watson replies in the smallest voice "noo"
I want the girl who knows to say "the river" when I play the lego lord of the rings disco song.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P21wZlVNQc8
I want the girl who wants to watch the trailer to force awakens over and over
I want the girl who pushes me to make art and do whatever it takes to make it my career.
I want the girl who games because she wants to and knows about gaming.
I want the girl who sings songs from White Christmas and is just as big a nerd that likes Star Wars as I do.
I want the girl who wants a family.
I want the girl who I can have a daughter with and name her Layla.
I want the girl who I can say I love you to and she will say I know.....then maybe be placed into Carbonite...in which she will be in perfect hibernation until we can deliver her safely to Jabba for payment.
I want the girl who understands exactly every reference I mean like:
The zelda to my Link
The Peach to my Mario
The Leia to my Han
The Sam to my Dean
The Mary Jane to my Peter
The Lois to my Clark
The Hermione to my Ron
The Ramona to my Scott
The turtle who sings to Coldplay


I've made a lot of mistakes and let too many things run my life for me.  I've let too many people influence me instead of having confidence in what I wanted.  I've paid the price for letting all of this fear get to me and I'm of sound mind now to know and see it.  I wish I could go back and change a lot but also I don't because it made me realize a lot and grow up a lot.
There is a perfect girl who I know is my soul mate.  I've never clicked with someone so fast and so well and wanted to make someone my partner for life more than anyone.
It's to the point where I am buying things and saving things with the sole purpose of it being for us to share and for me to show her or do/play with her.  I've collected up a ton of things and have so much I want to share with her.  A lot I know she will love so much.
There is a little blue box full of memories and momentos that I save upstairs and can look in whenever my heart requests.  Nothing will ever make me get rid of that box.  That box represents the life I want.  As stated before, I didn't upgrade my phone so I could continue to use her phone case, I use the wallet she got me for Christmas and almost brings a tear to my eye because she picked it out special so that it was made so my identity couldn't be taken.  Star Wars magnets still adorn my fridge and a DVD called Trojan War sits on my shelves as the most amazingly remembered gift I've ever gotten.  Two kinds of bottled sands are on my shelves along with a Marvel art book.  All sorts of tokens, trinkets, memories, and shared love litter my place and wherever I look there is something to make me smile.
This current relationship doesn't work and never worked because my heart was never into it.  My heart was always with someone else.  It made me learn a lot and realize a lot and there's nothing I want more than a life with my one true love.
Love is about knowing who you want to be and becoming that person to make you a better person and a better partner.
Love is about making sure that your special someone knows that they are appreciated and loved every damn day of the week.
Love is doing things not because you were told but because you want to do it for them.
Love is knowing when you are wrong and admitting it and working to fix it.
Love is someone who you would die for and whose smile could brighten an entire sky devoid of all stars.
Love is sharing interests and adventures and not wanting to go or be anywhere without that person.
Love is those butterflies in your tummy that flutter to life when that person just looks at you.
Love is being the best most positive you that you can and bringing that other person up with you and not bringing them down or being a downer.
Love is providing and not relying
Love is hard working, inspiring, and pushes you to be your best
Love is brown eyes, short, dark hair, aspires to be a princess, loves Reisling wine by Barefoot, watches Breakfast at Tiffany's, plays Yoshi's Story, and is responsible for making me believe in love.
Love is you.
Love is this:

You don't marry the girl who you fight with, you marry the one who when you shout Wingardium Leviosa.....she in her best Hermione voice corrects your pronunciation.
You have to show and fight for and take action for what you want in life.  You have to make them know that there is no other girl out there that makes you feel like you do.  The one person in the whole world that there is no other.  That special unique one of a kind butterfly with the most beautiful wings.  You only get one heart and one life and when you meet someone like her, you never feel that feeling again and you know.  You know that it's her.
I want her
I miss her
I need her
I love her
It's time for me to conquer my fears, pull the real me back together, and get what I want to make me happy and make sure that she is the one smiling next to me the entire time.  If she is taken then I will wait all the years that the Earth has left in it for her because she is worth it.  If she isn't then I am going to do everything it takes to bring myself back and go find her.  The world ceases to turn unless I'm holding you in my arms.  I've never felt so truly that I have to make my changes and do what I need to do to get back to who I used to be, the real me, and pursue what makes me happy.
You are the one true reason for waking up every day with a sense of purpose.
You are the one true reason for spending every day with the biggest smile.
You are the one true reason that love feels the way it does when it's at its absolute best.
You are the one.
Now the road to that situation has started and while it won't be instant, it is on its way.  The light at the end of the tunnel is coming closer and while pains still remain and painful measures must be taken, certain things must be done in order for one to achieve what one wants to be happy.

11 comments:

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  6. I am so so so so sorry, it has been a bit difficult to get to the computer lately with so much going on but there's no way I've forgotten you at all. Things are going the way they should, I know it's a little slower than everyone would like but it's going. You are still the plan for me and yes break ups do suck a lot and hurt no matter what or who but it does give me a great amount of excitement knowing that soon I will be able to share all that I've been excited about and building up. I didn't ditch dinner, my mom has a reputation of being way too dramatic and assuming things and making me feel like the worst person. I was under the impression that I was having Mother's Day over their house this Sunday and they were just going to a regular dinner tonight and if I wanted I could've joined. I ended up feeling really sick and burned out and had too much to do so I stuck with the orignal Sunday plans. It is so depressing working as much as I do and still not seeing a financial profit and just getting more and more tired as I struggle to pay things down.
    But.
    She is looking for apartments every day and still is planning on leaving. I don't mean for you to lose your mind or panic, honestly. It's all going to work out.
    I do want to get some time here to write/discuss a bunch of random things like star wars, spider-man, comic cons, harry potter, video games, art, and more. I don't want you to think silence is something really bad, a lot of the time I either don't get the chance or pass out. It's not the easiest thing to do but I do want to assure you that you have nothing to worry about.
    It's been a particularly bad busy week and I apologize for that.
    So to try and get some of the old me back again....edward has lost his mind upon seeing the trailers for spider-man homecoming and star wars episode 8. Seen Logan in the theaters twice, missed the power rangers movie and fantastic beasts and where to find them as well.
    Sorry, 2 am blah, point is, you have nothing to worry about and I am staying on course. Please don't worry, lord knows I do enough of that as it is for a small country. I am handling it the way I want to and you can rest easy knowing that it's all going to work out.
    I shall post again tomorrow, I promise. I love you too and remember.....don't talk to strangers

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  9. I hate that I have to write in little chunks and promise that I will write a much bigger hardier post soon. Time sucks anymore but I try and get in what I can when I can. I know this will work out and things are in the depressed sad not great end of it phase of the relationship here. I know everyone wants rush rush rush but for me personally with my anxiety and really fragile emotions and burned out self, I am doing this the best way I can handle.
    Regarding the house, I"m not sure because I've grown very fond of the place I have here. Yeah it's just an apartment but you've been here and seen it and I know how I want to redo a few of the rooms, plus I like the window view lol.
    I ran out of money and things got crappy here so the remodeling stopped and things are piling up here and there and I don't like a cluttery look so it's bothering me a lot.
    Weird how you would then be in the situation I was in down in Florida with no family but I can assure you that given the time and chance, my family is very great. My mom pisses me off so so so so so so much anymore but I do understand why, I just wish she wouldn't attack me verbally and make me feel so terrible a lot of the time.
    I can't promise the Memorial Day move out but she is looking for places and I promise you and all that I won't drag it out or let you feel like it was last summer. That was no fun and I feel very ashamed.
    The financial burden is crazy bad and I now know a lot more of how you felt when you were way low on funds and had to budget with a chart like crazy to just go check to check. It's making me lose my mind because of all the things I personally want to buy and can't.
    I can catch you up on all kinds of movies from all eras and I wanted to do a sort of catch up with video games too. Almost like a greatest hits and classics through the years because I don't think you've gotten the chance to play a lot of the "classics" that all gamers should, IE: super metroid, mario galaxy, bioshock, starfox, metal gear, etc.... I think it would be insanely fun.
    I haven't seen beauty and the beast or kong and I did see Gone Girl but the subject matter upset me and really made me feel bad. Don't want to say too much about it, I preferred Girl on a Train much more.
    I'm going to detail a lot more of this in a blog post about all the books, movies, games, and such that have accumulated in the past year.
    What really depresses me is that because of all the unemployments and bills and cards and awfulness.....my Etsy store has made 10K so far and I don't have a penny of it. Really upsetting. Who knew I'd sell over a hundred of those coffee tables!?
    My mom may know we are talking a little but I just feel like she is going to rush me and push me and I'm going to get all axietied out and break down. All is good I swear. I don't want her trying to sabotage and upset everything while she is here just to get the ball moving faster. I've got all of it being handled.
    I'm so proud that you've quit smoking and handled a lot of your addictions! And writing too! I've been thinking of posting the script to Maniac Mansion on here, not sure. That's something you can read and see what you think. I'm still going to make that movie damn it!
    Running out of time and I may may may have time tonight if she falls asleep early, same goes for the weekend since I work and she doesn't but after work on the weekdays or when she falls asleep I usually have some time to jump on here.
    Miss you a lot and again I apologize to all that this isn't a quick thing but at least we know how it's going to end.
    And watch the star wars trailer for gods sake lol, it's short and not much so don't worry lol
    love and will type more soon!!!!

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  11. I will respond to this one on its own, just too tired tonight but I shall get to that within the next day or so! Just wanted to let you know

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