I Miss You So So Much

I miss you so much, Megels.  Every day just seems to feel worse than the last.
I'm so sad and depressed and I try everything I can but nothing seems to work.  This position in life that I've gotten myself into has just torn me down so far that I have trouble even seeing the future.  Making the mistakes I made have haunted me to the point of sleepless nights anymore.  They are so difficult to live with.  I know it's probably crazy to think that late at night when you are awake by yourself, you may check in on this to see if I've written anything.
But I always hope so.
The thoughts of you and how our life was down there are a double edged sword.  They are without a doubt the happiest times of my life.  I was truly happy.  The happy that I always dreamed about and wished for growing up.  I was utterly convinced that a soul mate was a real thing.  My chest hurts when I think that I let homesickness and weakness ruin it all.
I should have been stronger for you, took more charge and expanded myself for you.  Let me tell you, being with someone who isn't your soul mate and doesn't share anything in common with you.....it's a nightmare.  Toss in verbal abuses and confidence destroying things....I feel like just a shell of who I once was.
With you I felt like I was the luckiest person in the world and could succeed at anything I put my mind to.  My movies, my etsy store, just life in general.  It's all because of you.
I'm tired of crying myself to sleep or having anxiety attacks every day.  It's like a broken record of the same week over and over.
I found that I have a PTSD-like reaction to everything that I miss and have lost with us.  I can't think about Universal, the things we'd say in line, the walk back to the car afterwards, our apartment and the music filled cleaning days, holding hands on the beach, watching our favorite shows, helping each other play video games and your lego potter addiction.  I can't think about or hear the music from Harry Potter without wanting to cry.
There's so much I want to share with you, so much I want to do with you.  I messed it up so badly and dealing with it here.....it's just getting darker.
You are the one person I would do anything for.  The one person I would wait this lifetime and the next just for one more chance with.
You said you could be your real self with me, the singing in the car at the top of her lungs, mario kart beating, supernatural loving, star wars quoting, nerdy tshirt wearing, video game sharing, funny, beautiful self.
I still read that hand written letter you sent me.  The words are my lifeline to keep me getting through every day. Our blue box still sitting with me holding a treasure trove of memories accentuating the definition of happiness.
I'm not happy at all and I think of you every single day.  Whatever meaning the word has left.....I'm sorry.  I'm so so sorry.  That day I packed up the uhaul....I should've unpacked it all while you were at work.  That was the biggest mistake I've ever made.  I want to be down there with you, living our cute little life that we had.  I want to make you my wife and have beautiful children.  I don't want to drag my feet or settle. 
We share so much in common and always got along.  We appreciated each other and knew the other inside and out.  I don't believe that what you are doing now or living now is the real you.  The beautiful soul who didn't let money change them or forget about who they were.  You're the girl who sings sisters and spice girls while wearing a chewbacca shirt and a darth vader ringtone. 
I miss you
I miss us
If these words manage to reach you or something in the middle of the night reminds you of us.....I hope they reach your heart.  I don't belong here.
I miss home
I miss you.
Whatever this crazy disease filled world is turning into....I know the one person I want by my side through every second of it.  And that's you, Megels.

Always

Love, Your Edward
no matter when or how long
You are who I want to grow old with

xoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxxo