Goodnight to you Beautiful

Goodnight to you out there who I dream of every night.
Goodnight to you who would latch on to me like a spider monkey.
Goodnight to you who I would make sure I said good night to even if you were asleep.
Goodnight to you, the girl that makes me want more adventures.
Goodnight to the girl who invented the turkey leg motion between us.
Goodnight to you who would fall asleep on facetime and I would always keep company.
Goodnight to the girl who looked back over before turning the corner at Giant Eagle.
Goodnight to the girl who got me two kittens for Christmas.
Goodnight to you who wears her Hey Listen T-shirt and tries to convince me it's a good game.
Goodnight to you who always called me darlin every time she saw me.
Goodnight to the girl who wanted to go through all my DVDs in order.
Goodnight to the girl who introduced me to Mystical Ninja and Yoshi's Story.
Goodnight to the girl who kicks my butt in Mario Kart.
Goodnight to the girl who tried out baby names in the car while we drove late at night.
Goodnight to you in the best ways possible so you have the sweetest dreams.
Goodnight to the girl that always left me smiling before I fell asleep.
Goodnight to the girl who warmed every bed we slept in.
Goodnight to the girl who showed me the best apartment and new life ever.
Goodnight to you with the beautiful brown eyes and softest hair.
Goodnight to you who was excited for my animation projects and wanted to be a part of them.
Goodnight to the love of my life that I want to share every moment of my life with.
Goodnight to the girl who suggested I draw Day of the Dead canvas pieces that she kept.
Goodnight to you who hearing your laugh was the sweetest music to my ears.
Goodnight to the girl I scared to death watching Sinister for Halloween.
Goodnight to the girl that I can't let a day go by without thinking of.
Goodnight to you who I think of constantly and send love to every single night.
Goodnight to the girl who sings to me in the car with every single song.
Goodnight to the girl who always reached out even when I shamefully didn't reach back.
Goodnight to you who watched me play games whether in person or streaming.
Goodnight to the girl who called me her Edward.
Goodnight to you who feels like an angel in my arms.
Goodnight to my partner to go to comic cons with.
Goodnight to the girl who holds my hand on every ride at Universal.
Goodnight to the best friend I have ever had in my entire life, no contest.
Goodnight to the one person I could tell or share anything with.
Goodnight to the only person to make my butterflies go crazy in my stomach.
Goodnight to the girl who popped a hole in my back from an infection that was apparently just me whining.
Goodnight to the one person who no matter what nightmare I fell into, was the one light I could always look to.
Goodnight to the prettiest girl in the room.
Goodnight to you who said yes even before I began to plan a proposal.
Goodnight to the only person I ever want to call my Megels.
Goodnight to you sweet darlin dew drop
Goodnight from the boy who is standing in front of you.
Goodnight to the only love of my life who means the most above anything.
Goodnight to my one.
Goodnight Megels darlin, I miss you like crazy and our adventures and memories.
Goodnight from the boy who loves you so very much and will be here waiting to hold you again no matter what it takes.
Always.

Love, Your Edward
xooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxox

Missing You in Abundance

Missing you a lot today, more than usual.
Missing the way you bring sunshine to my life.
Remembering our adventures and everything around them.
The place we lived and how I never seemed to be able to remember the street names.
The post office next door that had stray cats wandering the parking lot.
Wearing my blue scrubs for my job and them being a little too big for me.
The cat litter box being right under my side of the bed's side table.
Our closet full of tupperware bins of all of our things that didn't fit anywhere else.
I miss the way Sammy would come walking out from the bedroom hallway and look at us to make sure we weren't paying attention to what he was doing.....(eating the cat litter).
Hearing your on call phone go off in the middle of the night and annoying you like crazy.
You loving the idea of that custom video game at the one con where you could play mario with different Nintendo characters.
The ocapella group at that con that sang cartoon and nostalgic tunes.
The tattoos on your back of the angel and devil that you wanted me to redraw for you to get redone.
I even miss that air conditioner you had in your room at your parents house that froze us at night and the heater that made us sweat.
I miss your adorable Marvel shoes as you stepped out of your car that day I finally got to see you again.
I miss feeling you next to me on the couch as we watched a movie.
The way I still haven't watched my DVDs of Doug or Rocko's Modern Life without you.
I miss your crazy memory of little things from Are you afraid of the dark.
Going to that animal shelter down the road and looking at the animals and you telling me what kind of dog to look for to find one like Sammy.
Missing how your closet was set up, from my stuff to your shirts and then pants to the back with the shelves where you made little boxes for things and the one dress hanging on a pin on the right wall as a goal to fit into.
The Marilyn Monroe frame with her in a red dress that was in the bathroom.
You reading my Maniac Mansion script and loving it and trying to prepare a voice for Razor.
I miss walking down your street to see you on the porch in that chair waiting for me.
Going to the gas station to get scratch off tickets in hopes that we hit it big.
When we started to watch I Dream of Jeannie from the box set.
I miss getting you Supernatural and Vampire Diaries sets every Christmas.
Still gives me butterflies thinking about how we did it on the balcony that one night.
I miss the little shorts you wore to bed.
Work becomes a toned out reflex to just get through the day while every song that plays I think of a scenario with you.
I miss seeing you with your coat and white hat while we ate lunch at the mall.
I miss showing you things and sharing hobbies.  You actually cared and were interested.
I miss how real you are.
Someone who doesn't need any makeup to touch up your face, you're so beautiful naturally that I could look at you for years.
Bed is spacious and cold and I miss having you next to me and feeling your body close.
Days are empty and quiet without the magic that is you in them.
I miss joining you in every adventure and laughing every day.
My love misses you and waits and hopes every moment as it dances through the memories.
Every day made perfect just by your smile.
Always.

Love, Your Edward
xoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxox

Love Shines Through Darkness

I walk along the road and it is dominated by grays and clouds.  What once was warm is now cold to the touch but walk I must as I hope that the warmth is not too far from where I am.  My footsteps make no noise as they hit the pavement in front of me.  I'd think I was wandering aimlessly if not for my heart beating a direction to my body as to which way to go.  The beats form words and connect my feet to a specific direction.  The words say your name and push the blood through my veins at a speed that makes my whole body feel like I have you in my arms again.  As I walk I hope and wish that you are close, saying aloud that I will do whatever it takes to make up for my mistakes.  My heart hangs low upon these words as it knows the pain that I have inflicted not just on myself but to the one that means the most to my heart.  It sends me jolts of pain as a reminder that I deserve that pain in response to what I have done.  I look to the left and right of me for some kind of time machine or object to take me back to a point where I could avoid those mistakes and instead grab a hold of you and not let you go.  To respond as loud as possible that I love you and nothing could ever get in the way of that.  Nobody could ever replace that and nobody deserves that.  The heart beats that it is incapable of anything but you and the greatest of happiness.   The clouds are so dense that it seems almost like a fog ahead of me but I push on as I must persevere if I am to see you again.  I never give up, I couldn't ever give up, not when there is any chance that at the end of this dark nightmare, I could hear your voice once again.  My footsteps are a little louder now, echoing through the dark and giving me a sense of location.  I let myself drift to be completely enveloped by my heart's intentions and wants and feel the warmth of you all over me.  Memories and adventures flood through my head and give my feet a renewed vigor and I begin running through the dark.  The crazy weird scenarios you would come up with just to ask me at the end if I would still love you if you had one arm that was mutated into a lobster claw or had an eye in a weird spot.  The pictures you loved to take with me and your favorite being the one on my birthday with you in the yellow dress and my head real big in the top corner.  The fog was beginning to clear now, I could see some light coming my way and it excited me.  I hadn't felt this kind of excitement or happiness in a few years and it was something of a euphoric feeling making me jog in a new direction.  The farther I ran the clearer I began to hear your voice, that familiar sound that reminded me of home so much.  The tried and true words that made butterflies flutter in my stomach every time you said them.
Darlin
Dew Drop
Hearing them my ears perked up and when I glanced upwards I saw that the sky had begun to become blue with the most beautiful clouds surrounding it.  I could suddenly hear birds chirping and hearing your voice was electrifying my heart.  I called out to you that I  missed you so much Megels and outstretched my arms hoping to catch you and hug you.  I pictured your smile that you gave only me where you crinkled your nose as a silent I love you that only me and you shared.  The feel of your hair through my fingers as I played with your hair and watched you fall asleep in my lap.  Your body against mine as if we were crafted from the same material and joined together in perfect harmony.  Colors were beginning to materialize all around me as the world came into focus.  I wasn't cold anymore and everywhere I looked I saw brighter and more vibrant colors on everything.  When I ran I didn't feel winded and the sun shot its rays down on me giving me the energy I needed.  Nothing was going to stop me from running to reach you, nothing was going to take me away, not this time.  Tears in my eyes I vowed to never make those mistakes again and to do whatever it took to make you the happiest girl in the world.  As I ran I saw something in front of me, a door.  There was someone in front of it holding it open just slightly.  The closer I got the clearer it all became.  It was you.  Beautiful, short, smiling but scared.  I stopped in my tracks and poured my heart out to you.  The awful feeling I felt for betraying you and hurting you, the nightmare I had to live through and get out of for years, the absolute true without a doubt love I have for you.  There was nobody I wanted to spend every day of the rest of my life with.  Except you.  I reached out my hand and you took it, our fingers holding like long lost lovers.  That moment I vowed that my dream in life would be to make you smile every single day and never let you down again.  I love you with everything inside me and miss you with that much more.  You are the love of my life and no matter how dark and difficult it is, I will be right at that door, waiting for your hand and that amazingly wonderful beautiful smile.
Always.

Love, Your Edward
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxo

Megels is My Favorite Everything

More and more memories flood in to my head as I go through every day wanting to spend them with you.  Missing you being close and seeing your pretty face. There are little touches here and there that carry a memory or feeling of you from little to huge.  I miss you so much and my heart will never give up writing you every day in hopes that serendipity will line up again and I can prove my love to you for the rest of my life. 
Standing at the dresser you painted getting my clothes out and you stood next to it and started suggesting names for a company where I sell my art.
Watching Jersey Boys on the couch while Ellen was on the floor doing whatever and chiming in on which songs she knew when they started in the movie.
Going to visit you at Love foods when you worked there and it was so interesting to see you in a manager type role in such a little store right across the street.
Shopping around Publix looking for chicken wings and just groceries, even the one where Rob worked.
Looking at your blonde colored hair when you dyed it while laying in bed with you in the morning.
Taking Sammy on a walk over to where my family was looking at a new house to maybe move into near the boulevard on the street that the pet vet is on.
When you wanted to try the flushing portion of your diet and drank that stuff that had you running to the bathroom every five minutes.
Watching me continuously die in Bloodrayne on playstation while I tried over and over to get farther in the level while you said that you wouldn't have the patience to keep going because you'd break the controller.
When you tried to get a new dog for Sammy to have a friend and sort of take my place and it turned into a nightmare monster of a beast that drove us both up the walls.
Sending you a picture of the first NES table I made and your response coming back saying 'now that's something I'd buy!"
I love how much you liked having my art on the walls and the books that I got you laying either on your night table or on the shelf.
The way you decorated the apartment and had photos of us and families and the things I made you up.
Poking fun at how tiny the nail was on your pinky toe.
Our experiments with chicken from leaving it in the crock pot too long or trying to infuse it with ramen to create new dishes.
Watching you getting real interested in figuring out the puzzles and rooms in Portal and the ah ha moments when you do.
The pictures you took of the cats when you experimented with my camera to do some photography.
The Lion King Christmas ornament that is ours and only used on our trees for our Christmas' and how you kept the pictures.
On my birthday after taking the incline we found the grafitti saying Love is Key and that's the only time we saw it.
Laughing at any videos that incorporated the little turtle making the little ahhh noise.
Watching the top 50 facts you didn't know youtube series together.
I remember when you sent me a picture of you sweaty in your car after a trip to the gym and finding you crazy attractive.
Getting the box of tacos at the taco bell near the apartment after a day at Universal.
Holding on to my Universal pass and lanyard still and unable to wear my Universal shirts without you.
Running to get you either milkshakes from Steak N Shake or ice cream at Walmart at night.
Exercising in that super hot room on our apartment grounds right next to the pool trying to make ourselves extra sexy.
Dealing with all the fleas that the cats got and tweezering them off the cats and going crazy.
You are the person who got me to sing for real in the car to show you how I was and it being a nervous experience but I wanted to hear your opinion.
I miss hearing your wooooo when you would shave and have me feel your arms and legs.
Not understanding how you could like Ninja Turtles 3 out of all the movies.
Shopping for a new rug for the apartment and you being very careful about what went near it.
Sending you pictures of me trying on new glasses at the eye doctor to get your approval and choosing the ones you liked best.
I loved how you always looked around for what was around for new things to do.  I want to do so many more new things with you and have a new place that's ours again.  I loved the feeling of knowing everything was ours and we crafted it.  Just being with you was like winning the lottery.
My heart misses you so much and I'm bursting to experience so much more and share so much more with you.  I will continue to wish upon every star I see and hope that one day I can hold you again.  My love for you is a flame that will stay ignited with the biggest flame.
Always.

Love, Your Edward
xoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxooxoxx

The One Dew Drop Worth it All

For you I would get only the reddest of roses
The absolute best of flowers to stand next to your bed
The biggest umbrella to keep away every drop of rain off of you
Make sure every night you are tucked in as comfy as possible
Your ears will hear goodnight before you fall asleep every night
To that same point, a good morning every time the sun rises
Your hand will never be alone, mine snuggled around yours
Every season a joy to be with you in celebrations of it all
Not a day would go by without you knowing you are beautiful
Making sure you laugh at least once a day to keep the doctor away
Creating art for your eyes to be delighted with frequently
Challenged in the best of ways with every video game we share
For you I would dress up like James Bond to take you on every date I could
Woo you every weekend like I was trying to get your attention for the first time
I would hide love notes around the house for you to find randomly
Each one leading to the next, the final one making your heart dance
I will join you in the toughest songs to sing in the car
Dance my cheesiest while we clean the apartment
Hold you the best I can in the night so you felt safe
Attack any bug that dares try and invade our space
Making you breakfast in the morning so you could get that extra little rest
Visit you at work so any tough day could have a little smile
Plan out the funnest trips around the globe together
Run every field with Sammy so he could be the happiest little pup
I would make snow angels for you to see if they matched what you look like
Fight off every Death Eater so our lives were never in danger
Blindfold you and feed you sweets on a romantic night alone
Make sure every night your back is massaged until you fall asleep
Fill your day with random fun texts so the work day goes by easier
Let naked man join you in the shower
Join your toes in the sand as we walk the beach pointing out the seagulls
Brag about how amazing you are to all my friends
I would always make sure you were happier than the last day
Show your heart that mine feels true for yours
Love you like nobody else has ever done so
Kiss you like nothing else could ever dream to
Missing you now like the deepest dreams could ever fathom to
For you I would give it all
For my heart knows one dew drop that is worth it all
Always

Love, Your Edward
xoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Love in Every Frame

Movies are a way to escape.  Escape the stress of life, escape from where you are and be transported somewhere else where you don't have to be you.  A new environment or land of fantasy where the pressures of life can't hurt you and for just that span of time you can become somebody else and experiences adventures that you could never have in your own life.  There are so many movies that I relate to and ones that carry more than a memory when I watch or even just look at them.  The long list of films that remind me of you are a list of ones that I can always remember the memory of.  Alternatively, there is a list of films that I want to see with you and share new memories with and also hear your opinion on.  From that first time we watched something over text on our Netflix to going to the theaters and in our own homes.  Movies were a great way for us to connect on something and share an experience together from fun and happy to scary or sad.  Going through the movies I remember us seeing together I get excited to see more and share more and it is intoxicating the way you take certain ones and the reaction it gives you.  There is no particular order to any of these but these are the ones that stand out the most to me.
Cinderella the live action one that we saw in the theater near our place and you loving it, later I would get you the DVD for you sent through the mail.
Me not sure if I liked Avengers Age of Ultron or not after we saw it and you saying you liked it.  I still prefer the first Avengers over that one but it was always so neat seeing those movies with you.
Batman the Dark Knight Returns animated movie and how I had us watch it when you were a little busy with things and was a little annoyed at how long it was because you had things to do.
Walking along the beach before going in and watching Minions, there was a post it note mural made to look like Yoshi outside the theater doors inside.  Bob was your favorite Minion and why he is my profile pic for you.
After watching Fault in Our Stars at home and we had a little fight beforehand and by the time it was over it made us closer and I got up and hugged you and never wanted to have that fighting feeling again.
Taking you to see 50 Shades of Grey on our day off and going home afterwards to make love after being in the mood during it and that moment when he was taking his pants down and the scene cut just seconds before his penis was shown and hearing you make an audible gasp out loud next to me.
Showing you Fanboys for the first time forgetting about it for so long and you falling in love with it, another gift I would send you in the mail.  I can't even look at that movie without wishing you were in my arms.
Being unsure of what Guardians of the Galaxy was going to be like.  Having it make us cry within the first five minutes and showing us how great Groot was as a character.
Hearing the story of how when growing up you had a VHS tape of Indiana Jones and Return of the Jedi on it that made you have the biggest crush on Harrison Ford, later to be replaced by Joseph Gordon Levitt.
Watching Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back in my room being away from you for a time and getting your text.  I was eating Cheez-Its and alone and you said it sounded like a wonderful place to be.
The Lego Movie being our first get back together sort of moment in my new room.  Trying to figure out how we were going to watch it together and halfway through just kissing.
Your hilarious responds back and forth to Tyler making your case at how much better Star Wars is to the Lord of the Rings.
Watching a Million Ways to Die in the West with you and Rob and him being high out of his mind so much that he laughed way too hard at every single thing that happened.
Watching Netflix synched up to yours over the phone so we could have dates when we weren't close to one another.  Watching Paranorman, Coraline, The Artist, and Addams Family.
You remembered how long I was looking for Trojan War and could never find it and you remembered, you remembered it and got it for me.  I haven't watched it because that's something I want to share with you, too much of my heart associates it with you to watch it without you.
All the Harry Potter movies are like  a Megels greatest hits with every quote reminding me of you and all of our trips to Universal.  I still think of you quoting Hermoine all the time.
Every Star Wars movie and how we would watch the series starting at part one.  Us making love making the Phantom Menace tolerable and watching a New Hope on May 4th.  The way you sent me gasping Obi-Wan pictures through text when I wasn't sure I liked the Force Awakens.
Going through the Marvel movies starting with the first in the series and going in order.
You introducing me to White Christmas, Sound of Music, and the mother of all movies...Spice World.
Going to the theater to see Frozen for the first time and immediately feeling like this was going to be something very huge.  Your favorite being Olaf trying to stifle a sneeze and rocketing his head off his body.
Watching Spider-Man 2 in your family's living room and you really liking it but a shame that they weren't going to make any more sequels.
Our October Halloween month of scary movies where we watched familiar classics and introduced you to many you had never seen before.  Best part being you gave every single one a shot and ended up liking most of them.  From the original classics like Frankenstein to the weirder ones like Rocky Horror Picture Show to locally filmed ones like Night of the Living Dead.
Christmas being the same and getting into the spirit while watching Christmas Vacation, Scrooged, the Grinch, and holiday specials of shows.
Your VHS tape of the holiday specials including Garfield, California Raisins and the way you remembered it so well.
Our disappointment in the theater with Deliver Us from Evil and thinking the end dragged on way too long.
The guy messing with the seat while we watched Insidious 3 and the ending scaring the mother out of me.

I miss watching movies with you so much and there are so many that I want to share with you now.  The feeling of you next to me with your arm wrapped around mine is a heaven that no movie can match.  The biggest one is Scott Pilgrim vs. the World.   That one holds the most special place in my heart because you are my Ramona.  The girl who skates through my dreams.  I don't want Knives, I want you.   The movies can take you on the most wonderous of adventures but the best adventure of all was the one holding your hand and being yours.  I love you with so much of my heart and wish upon every star I see at night that I can be forgiven for my mistakes and one day be lucky enough to have that adventure with you again.  With every laugh, every smile, every movie, every game, every trip, and every day.  You are my darlin dew drop and my heart is yours.
Always.

Love, Your Edward
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxo

Paris Lovers in the Rain

The rain drizzled through the air as a couple walked between the lamp posts.  Each post cutting its way through the water with its own glow.  The sounds of shoes plodding on each cobble stone added in with the sound of the rain water hitting the ground was all the sound the night needed.  On the ground, the water pooled together to form a mirror of what was above it and pillars of light in all different colors grew from the bottom up.  She clutched his hand tightly as their bodies stuck to one another closely under the one umbrella they shared.  Her jacket clung to her keeping her warm while his provided the extra softness needed for the both of them as they huddled under the umbrella.  Both being short they fit under the object almost fully the both of them.  It was hard to keep an eye on where they were going as they kept stealing glances at one another to see how the light was revealing them in the night.  Her skin took on everything that night from rain  to wind and it managed to look even more beautiful with each element.  Dinner was calm and you could tell they were both looking forward to finishing up so they could go outside and walk home arm in arm.  She called him darling so many times he wasn't sure if his heart would ever be able to calm the butterflies that swarmed around it.  Fall had begun recently so every tree they passed contained the colors of the season with a large volume of leaves either falling or sticking to the ground motioning towards what lay ahead.  Oranges and yellows covered the tree branches with the ground providing the browns and what was left of the greens.  He tripped over a pile of wet leaves and made a little yelp that made her giggle for a few moments before letting out a sigh of love and batting her eyes at him.  The rain didn't get any worse and only once had they heard a small rumble of thunder that made them both jump a little.  The decision to take this vacation was the best idea they had ever come up with and even though the weather would have it otherwise, neither of them regretted the decision at all.  Her hand wrapped around his and she gave it a small squeeze to get his attention.
"Usually I can't stand rain and my feet are drenched but I could walk these streets with you forever."
"This moment may be my most favorite moment I've ever experienced.  The city is beautiful, you are gorgeous, and for the first time in my life I actually feel truly completely happy."
"Me too."
They smiled at one another, her giving her signature nose crinkling smile that made him weak in the knees every single time and they kissed one another in the middle of the park pathway.  If anyone had been walking by they would have thought they were looking at a famous painting.  He had wanted to take her to Paris for quite some time, finally being able to do it he was glad that it delivered on everything he thought it would be.  The flight was calm and fast and their hotel was almost better than their home.  A balcony that they could go out to looked out over the small city and they could see the tower quite clearly, that alone was worth it.  There was just something about walking those streets and being out there with the love of their lives that escalated it to a level you just wouldn't get when visiting yourself or with family.  The kid in them bubbled up to the surface and they soon found themselves seeing who could splash the biggest puddle, hopping here and there around the deserted street.  She found herself laughing more than she had remembered ever in her past and he was doing everything he could to be her jester that night.  Her smile was the biggest reward and was in a battle for the city of Paris of which was the more beautiful sight.  In his mind, she won out no contest.
"What if we moved here?"
"We can't move here, it'd be way too hard to see family and I don't think we could afford it."
"True, true.  I guess we'll just have to come back."
"I do love it here though."
"Why don't we make it our special place."
She kissed him.
"I won't argue with that."
He took her hand and they took off running through the rain, the umbrella left discarded behind them somewhere on the ground.  She couldn't help but laugh and imagine her favorite romantic movie where the lead man did something crazy in the rain.  She didn't know where he was taking her but it didn't matter, as long as they were together.
They reached an overlook near some restaurants that saw out over the entire city with the tower prominently in the center.  The lights looked like it was all one big Christmas display and her eyes didn't want to close or blink as they might miss a second of it.
"All my life I've wanted to bring someone here and be in love in the most in love place in the world.  I'm so happy it was you Megels.  If there is anyone I would want to spend these moments with, it would be you.  So I say we make this our special place and spend more of these moments together for the rest of our lives."
It didn't hit her right away but when she looked over at him he was on one knee, the rain slowing down for what seemed like supreme importance for the moment.
"Megels will you make me the luckiest man in the world and be my wife?"
She gasped and tried so hard to hide the biggest smile, tears mixed with rain in her eyes.  Unable to speak she nodded yes so fast her head looked like it could fall off.  He leapt up and took her in his arms, clapping was heard from the restaurant nearby and they both kissed, the biggest smiles on their faces.
"I'll do everything I can to make sure that that smile never leaves your face darlin.  Always."

Love, Your Edward
oxoxoxxoooxoxoxxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxo

She's Two Steps Beyond Perfection

Have I told you lately that I love you.

I love how so many songs remind me of you and hold a special place in my heart full of memories.  Just a tune or some lyrics and I am transported to a specific feeling and moment.

The way songs in movies perfectly encapsulate a scene or make you feel what the characters are feeling.  You are always that song and anytime I hear them I am taken to you.

Art plays a big part of that too.  You are my muse and inspire me in more ways than just fueling my creativity and desires.  The way you are pushes me to be the best I can and when I'm with you it's like my brain is having the best winning streak of ideas.  That feeling of being so in love and knowing that you have found that perfect someone just gets all of your insides firing on all cylinders.

Rains finally caught up to the area yesterday and I couldn't help but look out the window for a while and into all of the puddles and growing little streams of water running down the roads.  The reflections of all the lights whether from the cars or streetlights.  The sounds of the tires driving through the water and splashing all over.  It reminded me of the painting that I painted you of the couple walking through the rainy path of streetlights surrounded by trees.  I could actually feel myself in that moment, holding your hand, sharing that umbrella, the lights reflecting off of the puddles and lighting us up in the night.

The same way the lights would light up your face as you drove home from work while I was on facetime or lit up your sleeping body next to mine while we drove home from visiting PA or going to Universal.  You are always the light to any rainy day I may have.

Today was a particularly downer of a day and what got me through was thinking of my favorite thoughts of you.  What's even crazier is a new employee was hired and I helped with some things today, guess what her name was.

So one job had someone who looked just like you move back to Florida and the other job hires someone with your name.

The rain also reminded me of the lonely times without you.  Especially my birthday.  The first one I had when I got here I was taken to Dave and Buster's with my sisters and they each brought their significant other.  After we ate, they both went off with their others and I was left walking around by myself between all the games just missing you.  What I would have given to have shared that night with you.  The trend continued with each birthday after that and each one getting gradually worse until this year where I think I can honestly say was the worst I ever had.  The only people that even wished me a happy birthday was my parents, that's it.  Ended up doing nothing that day and ending it in bed with tears in my eyes.  I would have given all the rest of my birthdays just to spend just one with you.

I miss you so much I almost feel like I am reliving the same day over and over only it gets colder and quieter each time.  I miss making you laugh most of all, you have the most adorable laugh that is like candy to me.  

My favorite times I made you laugh was when I mistakenly called him Frank Wizowski.

Bouncing around in our bed at night before we fell asleep getting you laughing so hard.

When you ran past the bathroom down the hall giggling thinking I was going to jump out and tickle you.

Even if it was the cheesiest thing ever, you'd still giggle at the sheer crappiness of it.

I miss you darlin dew drop.

I want to be with you, holding you tightly and warm right now.  Feeling your head on my chest and falling asleep to some television.  I want to lose to you at Harry Potter Scene It and try the Disney Infinity kart racing with you.  I want to take an afternoon date to the beach with a little picnic basket and sit on a blanket and just be together.  I want to create things and show you to see that little twinkle in your eye when I know I've done something unique.   I want to make you breakfast and actually be proud of the person I'm with.  I want to brag to everyone I work with and put pictures of us up at my desk.  Is that your girlfriend?  Yes, yes indeed that's her.  She's beautiful.  I know, pictures don't do her justice.  What's her name?  Megels. Is she spanish?  No, no that's just my nickname for her.  What's she like?  Picture the most perfect person in the world, someone who is smart and clever and funny and beautiful, shares all of the same interests and makes you feel like you belong on this planet. 

She's two steps beyond that.

Wow, she sounds wonderful, you must really love her

I do, more than I could possibly ever show her in one lifetime.  The one person who I can without any hesitation say that I cannot wait to grow older with her.  I love her with every heart from every life I'll ever have.

Always.

Love, Your Edward

xoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

You Are the Colors of my World

That beautiful girl from across the room that fills my head with the best memories someone could ever be so lucky to share with.
Being without you is like a Picasso with all of the colors taken out.
A symphony with the volume turned all the way down.
Going to see Wicked and Suessical with you thanks to a very lucky family member who was full of pep and fun even to his final days.
That day I drew Sebastian from Little Mermaid in the sand while we were at the beach with Ellen and Rob.
Doing my best to join you so we could work out together when you posted up the weekly exercise goals to the wall.
Playing Words with Friends with you and being beaten in Trivia Crack against your amazing brain.
I miss my clothes being in the dresser that you painted so wonderfully white and did such a good job with it.
Even though you wish to forget it, I always hold a little special place in my heart for that Christmas night when your cold medication did not mix well with alcohol.  My favorite part being when you got offended that I had no idea just how much you loved me and that you went and read all the Scott Pilgrim books because it was my favorite series.
When the air conditioning stopped working at the apartment and we had to sweat through a night with just fans and the next day the worker showed us that it was just some water that needed dumped out.
Sending me a photo of all the TV dinners in the freezer on my way home on lunch and asking me which one I'd like made.
One of the first nights in Florida when we went to the store to get some necessities like a garbage can and some food.
The way you decorated for Halloween, the big window cling on the balcony doors and the tupperware bins full of decorations.
The pink little bucket that came with the flowers I ordered to be sent to you that you kept.
You had a nightmare the one night and it woke me up beforehand and I saw you sit up in bed so fast in fright and wanted to hold you to let you know it was just a dream.
The little speaker you synced with your phone to play music even better in the house while you got ready for work.
Loving the end of the night in our own place.  There was something that felt so good and fantastic for inner peace.  You would go down the hall and into bed and I would get all the dishes into the dishwasher, tidy up the couch, turn everything off and make sure the front door was locked.  Brush my teeth and join your most of the time already sleeping self under the sheets.  Just that night ritual was so calming.
That smile you would give me when you saw me just looking at you while we drove somewhere.
How much you liked my NOW CD to the point where you kept it and would play it for some quick nostalgia.
When we tried sleeping naked for a few nights because you read it was better and healthier for us, like I was going to argue sleeping naked with you.
The letters on the fridge spelling out how much you loved naked man or how much we loved each other.
Just how open you were to trying things and watching things, it was one of the most attractive qualities of you.  From giving the Simpsons a shot from the beginning to giving any movie or game a try after I described it to you.  So rare and unique to find someone so open to new things.
Visiting your mom at the Target on Mt.Nebo and the day you told her that we were looking to find a place together.
When you walked to my house drunk one night and called me half way, meeting you and you blowing the dandelion for me.
The way you would tell me the stories of your jobs and the ghost that followed you around but never did anything to you.  Just glimpses of the ends of a dress.
I love so much about you so very much.
I miss so much about you like crazy.
Days without you are like fields of roses that never bloom.
The brightest sun in the sky but provides no warmth.
The greatest band in the world without their instruments.
I want more than anything in the world to continue our memories and adventures.  Creating more and laughing and smiling our way to the happiest ever after you could possibly imagine.
The happiest life I can think of is one where I'm with you.
Loving you with every ounce of my being.
Sharing our life in the best way possible.
Always.

Love, Your Edward
xoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxox

Wishing every night to hold you again Megels.

Love for My Player Two

The best person to go through any adventure of fantasy with is you darlin dew drop.
The many different titles and experiences had together just through gaming are ones that are the reasons why games are so much fun in the first place.
You have been the engine of so many memories through so many games that any time I pick up a new title I save the best ones to play for when you are available to join or watch.
The generations of consoles have evolved and branched out into many genres over the years and with each one, there are specific games and memories attached to each one.
Being with you opens up those experiences to new heights and introduces us both to stories, games, and moments that only the two of us could enjoy.
Growing up at the beginning with the NES was a perfect place to start our gaming journeys.
We shared our gaming memories of Mario Bros whether it be the first one or the interesting second one and the fun of getting the raccoon tail for the first time in the third game.
You had a special place in your memories for Ducktales and I tracked that game down through many different Exchanges so that you would be able to play it again.
You wowed me with how much you remembered in the game, where every crystal was and how quickly you could get through the game with no problem.
Your face lit up when I revealed that I had bought you the remastered version with redone graphics and music taking you on an alternate nostalgic time jump back to the old days when you played the original.
We shared each other's different paths of Nintendo growing up, each of us playing through different sets of games but enjoying the console just the same.
You with Little Mermaid, Duck Tales, Mario, and the ever brutal Bart vs. The World and Dr. Mario.
The joy of being able to share new games like they had just come out when I offered in Maniac Mansion, Ninja Turtles, Batman, Chip N' Dale, and Fester's Quest.
Being able to share such childhood memories and years later creating new ones with that same old hardware brought me so much closer to you and so much more in love with you.
We bonded with more games in the future of the video game lore, each one of us offering up a game to counter the other, introducing each other to things that we either missed or maybe wouldn't try otherwise.
Your shock when I said I had never played Yoshi's Story.
Your fright when I played Evil Within and the girl with the long hair covering her face was chasing me.
Us playing through Mario Bros Wii and making each other laugh by bubbling up and hearing the creepy voices come through the controllers.
When you came down to my room to see me after helping Ellen with wedding cards and I was playing the Last of Us, roaming an empty college campus on a horse.
I couldn't believe your memory and how much fun you still had with Mystical Ninja after I was able to find it online and get it for you.
I'll never forget watching your red painted nails on the N64 controller.  There was just something about that sight that was beautiful to me.
It wasn't until two certain games did I realize that there was a hidden serious gamer girl hidden in that beautiful body of yours.
Banjo-Kazooie and Luigi's Mansion.  The way you knew those games and were able to play them over and over was a masterpiece of love that always caught my eye.
Luigi's Mansion always reminds me of when I had a terrible cold and you gave me Nyquil and it knocked me out harder than anything I had ever taken and I was trying so hard to watch you play.  Ultimately giving you the strategy guide I had for the game.
The Mario Bros wii has my favorite memory attached to it.  Our first kiss.  You set down your controller after a level and laid back and closed your eyes.  I had never felt my heart beat so hard out of my chest like that before.
It was adorable to no end watching you decide to get the Retron so you could play older games and showing it off to anyone who could understand what it meant.
I saw your gamer rage when Diddy Kong racing pissed you off to no end to where you instructed me to turn the game off before something bad happened to it.
The final boss of Banjo being so difficult we had to switch over to the xbox HD version for an easier time with it.
You got too frustrated with controlling the camera in the ninja turtles xbox game and gave up in anger after five minutes.
But you also had wonderful new moments that I brought you new experiences with.
Portal 2 and trying to figure out all the puzzles of each room.
The wonderful world of Lego games of Star Wars and Harry Potter.
I love playing games with you.
I don't have as much fun with games myself when you aren't close by or playing with me.
You bring a special feeling to the games and a real closeness to my heart.
There are days when I would give anything to watch you play your Sims family, build up your home in Animal Crossing, or take on the heartless in Kingdom Hearts.
Video games are a big hobby of mine and when that hobby makes me feel the best and happiest is always when I am sharing it with you.
I miss you watching me and getting interested in games you've never seen before.
I miss the way you would lay with me or sit next to me with your head on my shoulder while I played.
I miss sitting by you and watching your fingers work the controls as you played your favorite game.
I miss the way you'd call out your favorite game quotes from the games like:
Ouch my balls hurt
Weegee needs your help
The SIM garbled language.
Practically every line in Mystical Ninja
I miss spending that time with you and experiencing something new and immersive together.
But most of all I miss my player 2.
I miss my partner.
The games are still there but the most important part of the experience is missing.
You.
Every console I have I made sure to get a second controller for you.
That start button waiting every time.
When I find myself gaming on a night alone like this, I fantasize that you are watching me, right by my side.
I lean over and kiss you and hand you the controller.
You smile and excitedly get ready for a new experience together.
I love you my beautiful player 2.
I wish and hope to the stars above that I can once again see you press start to join the game.
My heart will be waiting there for you, truly in love.
Always.

Love, Your Edward
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Night Time full of Memories of Dew Drop

Days without you are the hardest days of all.  I would give it all just to spend a night with you.  Talk to you and work out anything and everything so we can have fun again.  Living a shell of who I really am was a stupid and damaging experience that I am ashamed was a hurdle I had to overcome.  I promise you that whatever it takes to have you in my arms again, I will make sure it is done to the best of abilities.  When something works and is meant to be it is the craziest feeling, a feeling that you just know and feel in the deepest part of your soul.  When just the mere thought of someone puts an extra perk in your step and a flurry of memories fly all around your head.  All day I relive more memories that we created, getting me through the day until night when I pray to the stars that my mistakes can be forgiven and worked through for us to be again.  I don't share this many happy memories with anyone I am even close with.  I can't remember the last time I laughed really hard or felt like I was truly appreciated.  I recognize that my mistakes are my doing and there isn't a day that goes by where I don't talk to God about what I have done and feel the pain of losing the one thing I want in life.  My favorite thing to do is recollect all the little memories and moments that showed me that happiness isn't an object or money but a short nerdy girl named Megels who carries the brightest sunshine in her pocket.
I still feel bad about continuing on and beating Mario Bros wii after you died fighting the final boss.
The power points that I helped you with during your online schooling.
Showing you the Walking Dead for the first time and you always getting reeled in by the cliffhangers at the end of each episode.
I love how the things you owned always had the same color scheme.  Black, white, pink.  From your bed sheets to your side lamp to how you colored your room.
Those cold winter mornings where I would sit behind you and watch you apply your makeup before you left for work.
The little gift things I gave you to try and make you smile.  The Notebook dvd with the scrapbook with it.   The little carrot guy dish scrubber that I messed up and replaced.
The painting I made of the couple walking down the rainy park path, making them look like us and how you said it was your favorite thing I ever made you.
The Nicole Kidman and Day of the Dead art you kept on your walls to be close to you at night.
Anytime I would fart you would always say 'Did you shit yourself?" with a sly smile on your face.
How spontaneous of a gamer you are, wanting to play Mortal Kombat one night and commenting on how realistic the graphics were in Beyond Two Souls.
I love how much you liked Spider-Man 2 and watched it again at your house with your sister one night, liking it just as much as the first time.
Taking me to Kohls where you got me three pairs of the same shoes that I wore forever until they just completely fell apart.
When I got bit by something and my shoulder hurt and you said to quit whining and it'll go away......which then got really infected and huge and the glee you had when you were tasked to pop it and do some excavation.  I still have a calloused spot there.
Calling me from work the minute after you got there so I could take you to the dentist because your tooth broke.
The way your eyes hurt after playing a game for a few minutes at night and how you'd push them up in the middle with your one finger.
When driving home from somewhere you just out of the blue said I was a really good driver.
Pulling through Wendy's at night and asking you to push up your cleavage to distract the worker.
Helping me through the dark caves of the Harry Potter ride with my glasses off so I wouldn't lose them on the coaster.
All the movie experiences at home that ran the gamut of emotions.  Fault in our Stars making us cry and hug at the end, Guardians of the Galaxy making us cry right away, you leaving a few minutes into Tusk hating it, how much Rob laughed during a Million Ways to Die in the West, our horror month in October, and you wanting to watch all my movies starting with the top and working your way down.
Lotioning up your back at night to give you a massage that made you fall asleep.
Going to eat at TGI Fridays after going to the zoo with you and the tube top you had worn that I couldn't keep my eyes off of.
The child like excitement we had watching you pick out the ring you wanted at the mall jewelers.
You singing to me in the car and in the apartment and me wishing I knew more of the words to join.
Banging the steering wheel when Journey came on.
I love how supportive and interested you are in my art and what I create and my future dreams.  Nobody has ever been my biggest cheerleader in that way.
Managing to find two kitties for us to raise and let me name them Harley and Quinn.
When we would come home from shopping, putting the bags everywhere and putting stuff away bag by bag.
My heart aches for us to be again.
Laying in bed is the loneliest place in the world without you next to me.
I want to share more and do more and experience more with you.
I know you shouldn't say what you wish for because then it won't come true but when I blew out my birthday candles I wished that we were able to work it out and really give it a chance for us.  I miss you in ways I have never felt before.  I feel like I don't belong and I'm not myself.  You are the special girl that brought out the real me, the one who has the dreams and ambitions to really make it big. 
Quoting Supernatural and Star Wars and Harry Potter.   To hear you say Wingardium Leviosa again.
Sending me that text picture of when the Cher song came on to your radio.
Tonight I pray to hear your voice again.
I lay here holding the pillow the same way I would hold you and promise to every single night.
Love is the most powerful feeling I have ever felt.
There's a lot of love out in the world and people throw it around a lot.
But true love....that's one of a kind.  Lightning in a bottle.
When I saw you, I saw that lightning.
Being with you I would marvel at the bottle full of lightning.
You're my true love darlin.
Always.

Love, Your Edward
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxo

Would You Be Mine

Would you take my hand again if I reached out for yours.
Would you smile when I made a corny joke.
Would you be the one to share in inside jokes like turkey leg and ouch my balls hurt.
Would you walk through the fields of flowers with the wind in your hair.
Would you forgive me for the mistakes that I've made.
Would you let me kiss you goodnight and be your pillow through the night.
Would you be my player two for any and every game adventure.
Would you wear my clothes so that our connection was that much closer.
Would you read the notes I leave you in the morning on the fridge.
Would you join me on our lunches to eat together and spend time with each other.
Would you celebrate Halloween with me dressed as a pair in matching costumes.
Would you let me hold you again knowing I'll never let you go ever again.
Would you feel my fingers on your skin tracing all their favorite paths.
Would you let me call you just to hear your voice and tell you about my day.
Would you talk it all through so our future can be shared together.
Would you cross off moments on your bucket list with me by your side.
Would you be my muse in every project that comes to mind.
Would you join me in a new apartment to make it ours all over again.
Would you entwine our pinkies together while we lay on the sand under the sun.
Would you cosplay with me to comic cons as our favorite characters.
Would you laugh with me at all the videos in line for rides at Universal.
Would you go through baby names with me while I secretly agree on Layla.
Would you accept every flower I could ever find to give to you.
Would you be the one I get down on one knee for to be mine forever.
Would you let me show you that I am the man you fell for all those times.
Would you sing for me in the car while I danced next to you in awe.
Would you play games in the morning so I could hear them and wake up smiling.
Would you call me dew drop every chance you got to feed my tummy butterflies.
Would you read every post I write to you smiling in your heart inside.
Would you giggle when I send you a photo of hiding little Wolverine.
Would you quote Harry Potter to me and have me guess which movie it was from.
Would you tell me you would punch a guy in the face to prove your love to me.
Would you let me prove to you my love and complete devotion to you.
Would you think of me and be reminded of us by certain objects or music.
Would you sing one half of our Cher song while I sung the other half to you.
Would you let me save you from any villain trying to cause you harm in any way.
Would you let me draw you more art that captures your imagination.
Would you accept my apologies and allow me to show you how true I am.
Would you travel the world with me keeping a scrapbook of each destination.
Would you dress in nerdy shirts and shoes so I can love you even more than ever.
Would you dine with me on as many dates as we can fit into a lifetime.
Would you hide under blankets with me when we watch scary movies.
Would you play Mario Kart with me so you can kick my butt up and down.
Would you be the one person in my life that I will do anything for.
Would you forgive me for allowing myself to become tainted by toxicity.
Would you let me make sure I say good night to you every night followed by a kiss.
Would you watch and debate all the Star Wars movies with me from best to worst.
Would you let me sit with you in my arms watching the sunset on the beach.
Would you walk the lake at night at Universal after a day of rides.
Would you let me come back to you with more love than ever.
Would you be mine.
Would you know that I miss you like crazy.
Would you believe I loved you even before you called me darlin that first time.
Would you believe I danced and jumped up and down the night you said I love you.
You have no idea how sorry I am for the things I've done.  You're the love of my life and the best friend I've ever had.  I don't want to live my life without you.  You have no idea how miserable I've been.  I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but you make me feel like the most important.
I love you Megels darlin.
Would you feel that love every single night that I send it your way.
Would you know I love you more than life itself.
Always.

Love, Your Edward
xoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxxooxoxoxoxoxo

At Night I Dream of You

When I think of things associated with you I am filled with love that knows no definition.
The way a new shirt feels on my skin, how you look in one of my shirts.
Your favorite being my Fight Club shirt or the way your hair falls over one of my hoodies.
I'll never forget the feeling of pure joy I get inside me when I see you wearing my clothes.
Laying on the couch with you while you did your discussion questions or scrolled Pinterest.
The couch that you eventually replaced with a new one but wanted my input on it as well.
You always valued my opinions and asked me about things that you were going to purchase.
How I hoped and prayed every night out on that sofa that you would come down that hall.
Then one night you did and I was one more step convinced in the higher power.
I could hear your footsteps coming down our little hallway and your voice in the darkness.
Joining you in bed is the single greatest feeling I have ever felt in my living life.
Your skin is unbelievably soft, you take great care of your body.
I could run my fingers over your body constantly all day and night, especially for massages.
Rubbing your back and trying to get peeks at your butt while I did it.
You would fall asleep after a few moments but I would keep on rubbing for a long time.
I never wanted to stop touching you, whether it be your hair or your hands.
Covering you with the blanket and moving enough hoping it would wake you just a little.
Just a little so that you would roll over and hold on to me like you always did in bed.
The way our legs entangled under the sheets was a dream before actually dreaming.
A knot of bodies in love with a feeling of relaxation that was contagious.
I tend to try and recreate that feeling at night alone here with pillows and blankets.
It's just not the same without you, nothing is at all.
The way you would be making dinner in the kitchen and us sharing duties.
My hands would wander and make their way to your hips or spank your butt.
You got so sick of me doing that but would later tell me you missed it so much.
You were a master chef of chili and a creator of a million dishes with just ramen noodles.
We had so many taco nights once we discovered how to make them ourselves.
That little log of meat that we fried piece by piece, the seasoning added last.
How we both had a unique cup to drink out of, yours being Barney from How I Met Your Mother.
I would kill just to hear your voice again, phone or in person.
It is the sweetest, kindest, and most stress reducing voice that reaches my heart.
I never minded when there were long stretches of nobody talking while Facetiming.
Just seeing you there was all I needed, your eyes the medicine to any pain.
They say the eyes are the windows to the soul, yours must be the most elegant glass crafted.
I would call them Bambi eyes, big and caring and with a sense of heart.
Your heart is the biggest of anyone I know.
You demonstrated it on an almost constant basis to not only myself but to friends and family.
Even so far as to help out with food to a homeless man and his dog.
I miss you so much I'm in almost constant agony.
My days at work are spent in an almost alternate reality while I think of you with every tick of the clock.
Scenarios and conversations with God on what I must atone for and what would be my dream.
A dream that has many different versions but all end up with the same outcomes.
I'm at work and putting things away when I look up and see you standing at the end of the aisle.
My heart stops  not ready to believe something like this is actually happening.
I drop what I'm doing and we run to one another into a hug that almost knocks us over.
I'm invited to my parents house for an evening for dinner and a movie.
I am depressed and barely make myself go and once I arrive they let me inside.
They say they have a surprise for me that they know I'll like and out you walk from the kitchen.
I begin to cry as I take you in my arms and inside thank God and say I'll never let him down again.
I take a few days off of work and drive down to where our apartment was and stay in the hotel nearby.
I put a message online that it's where I'll be and if you truly believe deep in your heart that our love is pure, meet me at the hotel.
I wait there going out of my mind hoping and praying that I hear a knock.
Just when I am about to give up hope and spend the night in sadness I hear that knock.
Opening the door to see you there, you say you can't believe you're doing this and we embrace.
We kiss and talk like we thought the other one had died horrifically but are found to be alive.
Making love and talking it out that night we make amends and promise never to be without the other.
Every day I make new scenarios while I work and while I lay in bed at night alone under the moonlight.
Each one ending the same way, me with tears in my eyes and my heart leaping out of my chest.
I say i'm so sorry and I love you so so much into your ear, squeezing you ever so tightly.
Holding proof in my arms that miracles do exist and that God is real and does listen.
If you mean it and prove it and are true, then he will listen.
Every day I continue to think of you and hope and pray every minute I have free.
I wasn't the best person and must live with the past that has darkened so much.
But every night I look up and ask for the light, ask to hold you again.
There is nobody in the world like you, you're truly one of a kind.
Whatever mountain it takes to climb to be yours again, consider me packed and ready.
I miss you Megels, I want to go on this journey with you, holding your hand.
It would be a million dreams come true to be yours again and put on that ring.
I love you with the greatest of passion, growing stronger every day.
Tonight I lay in bed, quiet and alone, but my heart beats a little quicker because I know.
I know that my dreams will involve you, and that's reason enough to hope and dream.
You are who I lay down my heart for.
Unconditionally.
Always.

Love, Your Edward
oxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

What I Would Give to Be With You

When I lay in bed I night I see your face.  Whatever it takes I want to do it to be with you.  In the evenings I miss the times when it was just us.  You on the couch with your laptop in your lap and me either next to you or on the floor playing a game.  You would watch and make comments on how scary the one enemy was or do your very best to help me out of a jam.  It felt so good to know that all I had to do was look behind me and there you were.  Your beautiful eyes watching me and throwing me a smile anytime I looked back.  You would share what you found on your pinterest and get up every so often to refill our drinks.  I leave the window open next to the bed so that I can hear the cars drive by as it reminds me of the sounds of the freeway that was behind our apartment and how I could hear them go by as well.  Birthday week came and went and I can honestly say it was the worst I have ever had.  Almost like it didn't exist really and it only pushed harder on the fact of how much I miss you.  Being with you there was always an adventure to be had.  Every day I wake up I kick myself in anger every minute I'm awake for the choices I made and how I let it all slip through my fingers.  My fingers are stiff from being crossed in hopes that one day I will be given one last chance to prove myself and pick up where we left off to forge ahead with new chapters together that are even more wonderful than the last.  My mistakes haunt me, every day and reliving the very best of our memories in my head.  What I would give for that weekend together.  Going to Universal, hearing your voice, meeting your eyes, holding your hand, just feeling you next to me.  What I would give to just sit and talk it out to craft any possible way we can to work it out and reclaim our adventures.  What I would give to wake up in the morning to see you and having our own place together that you would decorate for Halloween again.  To watch movies with you and hear your opinions afterwards.  What I would give to see you playing a game again, taking your contacts out and putting your glasses on because after playing for a certain amount of time the screen begins to hurt your eyes.  I miss planning with you and looking forward to thing with you.  I miss loving you.  I hate the life that I fell into and am not myself in the slightest.  That person messed everything up and I let fear and confusion let it happen.  What I would give to share every single little thing with you.  I want you to sing to me from the bathroom as you get ready for work.  I want you to fall asleep in my lap as we watch television at night.  I want to make you breakfast and eat all the chili you make and all the tacos we can craft together.  I want to make you more art that you hang on your walls.  I want to take a few days off of work and come visit you and spend time with you.  I want to lay on the beach with you holding our pinkies together in the sand.  I want to be there for your birthday and hope that when you blow out the candles you make the same wish I did when I blew out mine.  I want to make faces at you over facetime and have you guess more music.  I want to make you laugh as we drive to new destinations to take pictures of us together.  I don't want to go to sleep alone without you anymore.  I don't want to experience anything new without you by my side.  I don't want anymore time to be wasted unless I'm having fun with you.  I don't want to go to any comic cons unless I'm holding your hand.  I don't want to celebrate anymore holidays unless I can turn to my side and see you right there.  You reminded me what love and happiness was and never let me forget it.  You changed my life in ways that I never ever got tired of.  You are always the one constant that just seeing your smile either in person or in a photo puts me right up to the moon.  You are why love feels the way it does.  I miss you so much and want to work things out and be together.  I know I've made a mountain ahead of me that seems impossible to climb but I'll take on Armageddon itself if it meant being able to hold you again.  You are my favorite darlin dew drop.  The love of my life.  I love you Megels sweetness.  Always.

Love, Your Edward
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A Day with You is the Best Day of the Week

I thought of you today, everything I did had a small piece of you with it.
When I woke in the morning I looked over to see you lying there next to me.
Getting ready for work recalling the music playing while you got dressed.
I took a shower looking through the doors to find the silhouette of you putting your makeup on.
Eating breakfast remembering how you liked your eggs and making toast in our toaster.
The many outfits you had and the line of shoes that decorated the bottom of the closet.
You'd blow dry your hair and look out at me through it as you cooled every strand.
Dressing I made sure to wear shirts you personally liked and how you'd look at my butt whenever I'd take my pants off.
So sue me if I couldn't hide a little smile that popped onto my face.
I miss taking little Sammy out for a walk around the sidewalks outside.
He'd let me know when he was all tuckered out and hot by taking a seat in the grass under the shade.
Walking out of the door there isn't a time when I don't look left expecting to see you.
Walking the dog or coming down just to see me before I left.
The car is hot but quickly fills with tunes that you would sing at the top of your lungs.
I add a slow head bang to christen the drive.
Work is tedious but the hours go by quickly as I cycle through my favorite moments with you.
I'd be lieing if I didn't say I fantasized during the day of seeing your face down an aisle.
Visiting on lunch and eating together outside under the shade of a nearby tree.
The best is when it rains.
It's soothing and I want to walk out into it and let every drop hit me.
Like when we got stuck in the rain that one day at Universal.
Smart of us to bring our flip flops.
There was something truly special about being caught in the rain with you.
Sharing in that moment and being drenched.
Your hair wet and stuck to parts of your face and the water drops sliding down your nose.
The way your skin shined under the moisture and small bubbles of water resting here and there.
Every so often a song would come on the radio at work and I would daydream a scene with us.
Ballroom dancing under tiki lights on the back porch near the beach.
Discovering new sights as we traveled up and down the cobble stone streets of Rome.
You'd look beautiful with your sun dress on under a big hat that shielded your face.
The drive home being the same, filled with our songs but this time the moon is listening.
Recalled times of watching the street lights light up your face while you drove home from work.
The times you were on facetime with me on your way while I started dinner.
The perfect passenger who made me feel like a superstar just being next to me.
The rain wasn't so hard now, making just enough noise to calm any afterwork feelings.
Coming home, the house is quiet and just for the hell of it I say darlin I'm home.
Only two cats answer the call but my heart prays that one day the answer will be you.
I don't play the best games I own, saving them for your eyes and ears.
Instead I pen to you and make sure that all chores and necessities are taken care of.
The end of the night beckons with the moon brightly shining through the windows.
The sheets are cool but the bed seems a lot larger than it ever has.
Miles away with the impossibility of hearing me, I still say it out in hopes it reaches you.
Nighty night Megels, I say with the pillows holding me softly.
It isn't long before my head is filled with dreams full of you.
Looking, waiting, holding, and loving you.
Each one unique and just as real as the next.
While looking at my video game news I saw that they revealed Luigi's Mansion 3 for the switch.
I don't have to tell you that I immediately thought of you and the fun you'd have with it.
While thoughts of you calm me to a deep sleep.
My heart races through fields of butterflies with visions of you abound.
If I had a flower for every time I thought of you
I could walk through my garden forever.
There is nothing more powerful than love
Love for you
Always.

Love, Your Edward
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Happy Batman Day

Missing you so much, After All

I wake up to your smiling face, so peaceful and so relaxed
The times you aren't there I hear the Lego Harry Potter game turn on
I come out and there you are, still looking a little sleepy but so beautiful
I make you the eggs you like and fill up your drink
Sitting next to you while you play is the best way to start any day
I open the balcony door and let in the breeze and warm morning
Your smile is all I need to make it the best day ever.

Well, here we are again
I guess it must be fate
We've tried it on our own
But deep inside we've known
We'd be back to set things straight
I still remember when your kiss was so brand new
Every memory repeats
Every step I take retreats
Every journey always brings me back to you

Thinking of you all day is the thing I'm best at
So many memories that cycle through my head at high speeds
When you broke the key to the apartment door and sent me a picture
Feeding you gummy bears while we played Little Big Planet
The way it made me feel when you watched me draw and encouraged me on
The empty rolls of toilet paper you were collecting up for a project of your own

After all the stops and starts
We keep comin' back to these two hearts
Two angels who've been rescued from the fall
After all that we've been through
It all comes down to me and you
I guess it's meant to be, forever you and me, after all

I miss you more and more as each sunrise and sunset goes through its daily routine
Getting the funny pictures you would text and sending you hiding little Wolverine
You make my heart skip a beat every single time I hear your voice
It's so melodic and wonderful woven with the most precious sounds
I was more thankful than you know when you would call before the weekend with your parents
Sitting on the floor with you and building our Mario puzzle in the heat
Planning on one day actually making it to Harry Potter World

When love is truly right
(This time it's truly right)
It lives from year to year
It changes as it goes
Oh, and on the way it grows
But it never disappears

You're the best partner in the world and the best player two
I want to travel the world holding your hand while we see every single sight and sound
Never want to let you never smile again, take away all pain that I've caused
I always remember dinner at the mexican restaurant when you told me your bucket list
The many different things you had already checked off and ones you wanted most
You are my constant muse, always making me be the best me I ever could be
The one person who could make me smile no matter how bad things got

After all the stops and starts
We keep comin' back to these two hearts
Two angels who've been rescued from the fall
After all that we've been through
It all comes down to me and you
I guess it's meant to be, forever you and me, after all

I love you with all of my heart and know that life is perfect when you are in it
Your voice singing all the lyrics in the car, one hand out the window
Jumping up and down in your feety pajamas and laughing until we cried
Sharing our days together and new projects and future plans
The way your face lit up when you were trying out rings at the Ormond mall
The way I still think about you laying next to me at night.

Always just beyond my touch
You know I needed you so much
After all, what else is livin' for?

Every single day my thoughts are for you Megels, every single minute
My heart took a beating and pushed that pain to others unfairly
No matter what it takes and no matter how long, I know the future is you
You're an amazing person and the most beautiful nerdy girl I've ever met
You know just how to make someone feel like they mean the world

After all the stops and starts
We keep comin' back to these two hearts
Two angels who've been rescued from the fall
After all that we've been through
It all comes down to me and you
I guess it's meant to be, forever you and me, after all

I miss you so much darlin dew drop
I love you so much that when I look into the sky I see the clouds writing your name
There's nobody I would want to spend the rest of my life with
Nobody as special and perfect and unique and beautiful as you
Whatever it takes to make up for it all
I'll be right here willing to do it all and more
Always

Love, Your Edward
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Losing Toxicity Breeds Pure Love

Being in what is most commonly called a toxic relationship has taught me a great number of things.  For one, you don't know you are in one until you notice one day that you have lost or destroyed all of that around you.  The things that you used to enjoy and pursue as a passion have lost their luster and have lost what made you interested.  It wasn't that they were grown out of, it's that because of the toxicity around you, negative things crop up in your head that taint all that you enjoy.  It is on the same level as starting a drug, it's new at first and different but after a time it has poisoned you and begun to take effects on you that you don't even notice.  A growing sense of depression and low self worth are the biggest side affects of this.  I didn't feel like I was worth anything at all and a monumental failure.  It didn't help anything that I kept getting fired from jobs and losing more and more money.  There was some sort of mental abuse and situational play going on that when someone becomes desperate or depressed enough, they will believe no matter how crazy the idea is. I soon believed that unless I made a crazy amount of money, I wouldn't be worth being with by anyone.  That my art talents were a dead end and not something to rely on or pursue for long because it would be a waste of my time and effort in the long run.  Things that I had overcome in the past began to rear their ugly heads and bother me a lot more again.  Also because they were being pointed out all the time and made fun of.  My height was a big one.  I know I'm short but until that toxic relationship happened, I was okay with it and almost had forgotten.  The kinds of interests I have felt like they were under scrutiny and that I was doing things that children would do and once reaching adulthood should probably have been left behind.  Then why did you stay as long as you did?  Why when the opportunities came along did you not just run to those and sever the ties of what was killing you from the inside out?  Like I said, your mind plays tricks on you after a while and you start to believe and fear things that ultimately aren't even there.  Fear became huge again.  The beast that took me years to defeat and become the master of had come back stronger and I was failing the battle. 

Now that I am out of that toxicity it is with great clarity that I can actually see the kind of person I was becoming and the choices I was making.  I am speechless and cannot even believe I acted the way I did.  Anyone that knows me even a  little bit knows that I wasn't myself.  But the one thing that kept running through my mind through it all was that there was someone out there who was the complete opposite of all of this.  The light over the darkness, the kindness over the hate, the love over the fear.  That was Megels.  You never made me feel less that I was.  You always supported my ideas and my dreams no matter what they were and offered any way you could to help those dreams.  You were more than my best friend, you were the soul mate that dreams are fueled by.  We didn't meet for no reason or by happen stance.  If everything happens for a reason then I believe that I had to go through all of this to truly know the value of the love of one person who means the world to me.  To give myself some grounding and maturity and see my life through eyes of someone who saw what the other side was like.  It is with great difficulty and sadness that I can even look in the mirror anymore because I see the person who ruined everything I have ever wanted.  I learned a great many lessons being in a toxic relationship.  Lessons that haunt my every night dreams.  I know I bring it up a lot but I read your letter on a daily basis and there are times when that is all that got me through a day or a night.  You mean the absolute world to me.  If there were a price on taking back mistakes and pain I would pay it no matter how high the cost.  I'm in love with a girl who I hurt because I was afraid and confused into believing I didn't deserve anything.  When days would get bad enough where I worried about myself, all I had to do was think of key moments that made me happier than I had ever felt.  Hearing your voice.

Holding your hand.

Laying with you.

Making you laugh.

Feeling your love.

You watching me create.

Gaming with you.

Eating a meal with you and watching TV.

Driving with you anywhere.

When you told me you hit a guy at the bar to prove to him you loved me.

Wanting to get me a month's worth of birthday gifts one day at a time.

Just tonight I put on Beat Shazam and could not think of anyone but you.  That night we played guess the song and I drove to Walmart to get a coffee table and kept you on facetime while I did it.

I've never missed someone this much.

I know I was a terrible person and really hurt you.  I pray every night for forgiveness for that.  There's nothing I would rather do than be with you and spend the rest of my life having the adventure of a lifetime with you.  The girl who wrote me that letter.  The girl who misses our music in the car.  The girl who is my gaming wing man.  The girl who holds on to me while we sleep.  The girl who quotes White Christmas, Supernatural, and Friends.  The girl who proved her love to me every way she could and more.  The girl who shares all of our same interests.  The girl who always peeked in at my blog and facebook and twitch even when she said she was done with them. The girl who still has some of my art.  The girl who gave me her heart.

I never ever meant to break it.

I always meant to give it the happily ever after part two.

I paid the price and shattered my reality.

But my heart still beats for yours.

Every day I daydream about being at work or visiting my parents or getting that call or message and there you are.  Looking unsure but hopeful.  Running into your arms, tears in my eyes and apologizing for every single little thing.  And never letting you go.  I know what love is.  The toxic relationship wasn't love no matter how I could try and spin it.  It never was.  Love is a short brunette with brown eyes and a crinkly nose smile who calls me dew drop and celebrates Star Wars with me.  Love is a girl I devote the rest of my life, promises, and self to, to show that I am for real and my love is real.  I refuse to let my mistakes define me and I refuse to deny my heart.  Love is the girl who looked me in the eyes and said I do miss you.

Love is Megels.

Always.

Love, Your Edward

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