My Heart Misses You Constantly Darlin

 Megels, I'm so so miserable.  I read your letter again and it pained me so much I could barely get through the rest of the day.  Even over Easter weekend, my mom showed me a text you sent her about how much you love me and how much you wanted it to be me.  I feel like I'm just going through the days and weeks outside of my body just watching it pass before me.  I don't have the passion or drive for anything like I used to and all I can think about day and night is you.  I miss you so much.  I spend most of my mornings in bed daydreaming what it would be like still being with you.  I cry so hard hoping that one day I'm going to wake up and I'll be in our bed in our apartment and there you'll be asleep next to me, the last few years just a dream.  I can still remember how it smelled in there and how it felt and what it sounded like.  You holding on to me like a spider monkey, sammy at our feet, the sound of the fountain outside splashing.  

I'm worried, this depression being without you is getting so bad I don't know what to do anymore.  I hate the realization that you really don't ever and won't ever read any of these posts.  The pain of knowing this was all my fault will never stop running through my head.  You were here.  You were right here ready.  I blew it all and let fear and someone else control what I really wanted.  And now what?  

I remember something you said a while ago, you left someone down there because you said they weren't me.  In your letter you were hoping it was me and said you would always be there for me.  I know this was all before I messed everything up royally, but I know you and I know your heart.  You're a short nerdy girl who loves supernatural, video games, movies, going to Universal, and would never let money change who she was.  I miss your laugh, the way you'd hold my hand, how we would joke with all of our inside jokes.

And how you would tell me that with me you could be your real self.

I still believe we are soul mates.  There is something I can't explain, a feeling, that I don't and haven't felt with anything or anyone else.  Just the thought of you brings those feelings.   Something truly special.

However long it takes, whatever it takes, I will wait and hope that one day I can be yours again.

Always

Love, YOUR Edward

xoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxo

My Heart Misses You So So Much darlin

 My darling Megels,

It's been a while and you still inhabit all of my thoughts and dreams.  So many nights I sleep and in my dreams you are there.  Sometimes we are together somewhere or you are a vision or the other night I was able to propose to you.  My dreams while I'm asleep torment me.  While during the day all I seem to be able to think about is you.  No matter how long you are away or I try and distract my thoughts, all I ever seem to think about is you.  If you still think about us or me and if anything is a reminder to any of our memories.  Do you lay in bed at night wondering if you will truly be happy with them or will it become boring, the same things over and over, no shared interests that take its toll, or if he truly appreciates you and will do whatever it takes so you have a smile on your face.  I haven't seen much, I'll admit, but from what I have seen....he isn't your shared other half.  Would he take you to Universal or Disney to share in the same likes and quote the rides and see all the little details of harry potter and the like?  Or would he take you because you brought it up enough that he takes you just so you stop asking like he's doing you a favor out of his kindness.  I doubt he would go every weekend like we did.  
I don't want to sound bitter or angry, I'm the last person that even deserves to be in such a place.  I messed up the most and damaged just about everything.  I broke your heart and I let  myself become overtaken by fear, anxiety, and someone who was very good at manipulation.  All the while the woman of my dreams was right in front of me waving the brightest lights for me to come take her away to the happiest life I could dream of.  No amount of sorries can take back the pain I've caused.  I live in constant pain about it every single day.  It hurts the most knowing that I practially pushed you into the arms of someone who doesn't share most of what you are.  Take it from someone who has lived a few years with someone who doesn't share interests.....it becomes a caged prison cell in hell.  It doesn;t take long before you yearn to share something, anything about what you like with someone.  Either giving up, hiding, or just hiding what you like and enjoy because they aren't into it too and can't converse with you about it.  It gets very boring, very frustrating and ultimately extremely depressing.  I still have the handwritten letter that you sent me and I read it almost as often as I breathe.  That was one of the big things you wrote in there.  That we shared so many interests and you could be your real self with me.
Could you write that exact same letter to him?
We share something truly special and it is my fault that I muddied the waters.  I don't feel like I'm myself but someone living a false life in disguise until the real person comes back.  Like I"m holding the place of someone else and trying to be like them instead of me.  I'd kill to talk star wars, marvel, video games, harry potter, supernatural, anything with you.  I can't get rid of the depression, it is eating me alive.
You were right that night so many years ago.  You said she wouldn't be anything but drama and bad and you cried and said I was your Edward.  You were right darlin, so so so right.  I let myself fall in and didn't listen to you and if I did could have saved years of abuse, pain, sadness, and depression.
I know you don't read this but it is the only way that I feel like you're still there.  You said in the past that you read it every day even when I didnt' post anything for years.  I'm hoping you still do, even if it isn't every day.  I know I don't deserve it, I was a terrible person to what you were offering me.
My biggest regret was leaving to move back that last day.  While you were at work I should have moved it all back, bought all the flowers I could and came to your job to apologize and devote my eternal love to you.  For you are the only one that has made me feel like I belonged.  When I think of you I feel like I"m home, all my anxiety feelings go away and I feel safe and warm and right.  Anytime I'm having a bad day or feeling terrible, I think of you and feel a rush of happiness.
I understand I'm biased but I do not think he is your true other half.  Not surprising coming from someone who wants to be with you too.  It pains me more because it is hard to compete.  I don't have tons of money or a huge family.  You never struck me as the money kind of person.
The Megels I know is a nerd, a pop culture, music, game loving nerd.  She wears star wars shirts, uses ninja turtle pencils, watches star wars trailers over and over, plays diddy kong racing with me, knows everything about harry potter, sings white christmas songs, and has the most beatuiful laugh.  One I can get by slow head banging in the car.
Would he cook you dinner, bring you lunch to work, stay up with your drunk self on the occasional nights so you were okay, buy you your childhood games, move states to be with you, sing to you, dance with you, game with you, watch every movie with you, run to the terminator show at universal with you, quote all the in line videos.
He wouldn't hurt you though.  Which I went wrong so badly.
I miss you darlin.  I miss you so damn much.
I can't compete against money but you never seem to be doing anything that shows you.  The nerdy you.  How often does he share you online, do the things you want to do, or massage your back before bed like I was oh so good at.
I've tried everything but at the end of everyday I sit up crying, missing you so much.
You are my darlin dew, my other half, my lobster.
I broke our special bond and will do whatever time it takes to regain that back.
I hope one night, when he doesn't do what you want and goes to sleep before you.  You maybe see what the future could hold and come here and check.  You deleted yourself everywhere but here and there has to be a reason.
I'd better try and get some sleep.  Goodnight darlin
I miss you so much and I hope one day, whenever that may be, I can hold you again.  Feel you against me and know what it's like to be happy and whole again.

Always

Love, Your Edward

xoxoxoxoxxxxxxoxoxoxooxoxo

I Miss You So So Much

I miss you so much, Megels.  Every day just seems to feel worse than the last.
I'm so sad and depressed and I try everything I can but nothing seems to work.  This position in life that I've gotten myself into has just torn me down so far that I have trouble even seeing the future.  Making the mistakes I made have haunted me to the point of sleepless nights anymore.  They are so difficult to live with.  I know it's probably crazy to think that late at night when you are awake by yourself, you may check in on this to see if I've written anything.
But I always hope so.
The thoughts of you and how our life was down there are a double edged sword.  They are without a doubt the happiest times of my life.  I was truly happy.  The happy that I always dreamed about and wished for growing up.  I was utterly convinced that a soul mate was a real thing.  My chest hurts when I think that I let homesickness and weakness ruin it all.
I should have been stronger for you, took more charge and expanded myself for you.  Let me tell you, being with someone who isn't your soul mate and doesn't share anything in common with you.....it's a nightmare.  Toss in verbal abuses and confidence destroying things....I feel like just a shell of who I once was.
With you I felt like I was the luckiest person in the world and could succeed at anything I put my mind to.  My movies, my etsy store, just life in general.  It's all because of you.
I'm tired of crying myself to sleep or having anxiety attacks every day.  It's like a broken record of the same week over and over.
I found that I have a PTSD-like reaction to everything that I miss and have lost with us.  I can't think about Universal, the things we'd say in line, the walk back to the car afterwards, our apartment and the music filled cleaning days, holding hands on the beach, watching our favorite shows, helping each other play video games and your lego potter addiction.  I can't think about or hear the music from Harry Potter without wanting to cry.
There's so much I want to share with you, so much I want to do with you.  I messed it up so badly and dealing with it here.....it's just getting darker.
You are the one person I would do anything for.  The one person I would wait this lifetime and the next just for one more chance with.
You said you could be your real self with me, the singing in the car at the top of her lungs, mario kart beating, supernatural loving, star wars quoting, nerdy tshirt wearing, video game sharing, funny, beautiful self.
I still read that hand written letter you sent me.  The words are my lifeline to keep me getting through every day. Our blue box still sitting with me holding a treasure trove of memories accentuating the definition of happiness.
I'm not happy at all and I think of you every single day.  Whatever meaning the word has left.....I'm sorry.  I'm so so sorry.  That day I packed up the uhaul....I should've unpacked it all while you were at work.  That was the biggest mistake I've ever made.  I want to be down there with you, living our cute little life that we had.  I want to make you my wife and have beautiful children.  I don't want to drag my feet or settle. 
We share so much in common and always got along.  We appreciated each other and knew the other inside and out.  I don't believe that what you are doing now or living now is the real you.  The beautiful soul who didn't let money change them or forget about who they were.  You're the girl who sings sisters and spice girls while wearing a chewbacca shirt and a darth vader ringtone. 
I miss you
I miss us
If these words manage to reach you or something in the middle of the night reminds you of us.....I hope they reach your heart.  I don't belong here.
I miss home
I miss you.
Whatever this crazy disease filled world is turning into....I know the one person I want by my side through every second of it.  And that's you, Megels.

Always

Love, Your Edward
no matter when or how long
You are who I want to grow old with

xoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxxo

Be Safe My Beautiful Soul Mate xoxox

I don't think you will
Ever fully understand
How you've touched my life, Megels
And made me who I am

I don't think you could ever know
Just how truly special you are
That even on the darkest nights
You are my brightest star

I don't think you will ever fully comprehend
How you've made my dreams come true
Or how you've opened my heart
To love and the wonders it can do

You've allowed me to experience
Something very hard to find
Unconditional love that exists
In my body, soul, and mind

I don't think you could ever feel
All the love I have to give
And I'm sure you'll never realize
You've been my will to live

You are an amazing person, Megels
And without you I don't know where I would've been
Having you in my live
Completed and fulfilled every part of me

All I ever wanted was to be part of your heart
And for us to be together, never to be apart
No one else in the world can even compare
You're perfect and so is this love that we shared

We had so much more than I ever thought we would
I love you more than I ever thought I could
I promise to give you all I have to give
I'll do anything for you as long as I live

In your eyes I see our present, our future and past
By the way you look at me I know we will last
I hope that one day you'll come to realize
How perfect you are when seen through my eyes

Be very safe darlin dew
This is a scary time with the end in mystery
I wish I was stuck in with you
Just being near you is the best adventure

Missing you so very much
Loving you every single day more
Be safe while the world around us becomes poisoned
Know that you are on my mind
Every second that I am awake

Always

Love, Your Edward
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

In That One Special Place

These are such crazy and unknown times
I'm scared and don't know what to expect
The one constant I have is writing to you, Megels
I know you probably haven't read these in months
Months and months
But I can't stop
Something in my heart keeps pushing me
Even if the hope of one day  with you
Is just a flicker in the dark

I lie on the ground
And stare into space
The stars start to move
Into the shape of your face

I see you there now
Looking down at me
With that cute little smile
That I like to see

You say close your eyes
Tell me what you see
I see only two people
Just you and me

We're walking the shoreline
With our feet getting wet
The horizon turns pink
As the sun starts to set

We make love through the night
On that white sandy shore
Then I hold you while thinking
I could want nothing more

Oh I wish I could be
In that one special place
As I lie on the ground
And I stare into space

I pray you are safe and not affected by the virus
You never deserve to feel sickness
Only love and sweetness
I miss you darlin dew
Every day I replay our days together in my head
No matter how depressed I get over them
I hope one day we can make more

Always

Love, Your Edward
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxxo

You Are The Most Important Part

Sometimes at night
When I look to the sky
I start thinking of you, Megels
And then I ask myself, why?

Why do I love you
I think and smile
Because I know the list could run on
On and on for miles

The whisper of your voice
The warmth of your touch
So many little things
That make me love you so much

The way you supported me
Helped with my emotions
The way that you cared
And showed such devotion

The way that you kissed
It filled me with desire
How you held me with warmth
Like that of a blazing fire

The way your eyes shined
When you looked at me
Lost with you forever
Is where I want to be

The way that I feel
When you're by my side
A sense of completion
And overflowing pride

The dreams that I dream
That all involve you
The possibilities I see
And the things we can do

How you finish the puzzle
That lies inside my heart
How that deep in my soul
You are the most important part darlin

I could go on for days
Telling of what I feel
But all you really must know
Is my love for you is real, Megels

Always

Love, Your Edward
xoxoxoxooxoxoxxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

In Your Soul I Found My Home

The sparkle in your eye
The warmth of your skin
Your breath on my neck
That quivers within

The touch of your hand
The smell of your hair
The kindness in your smile
That strength in your stare

Your kiss on my lips
Your body near mine
The stroke of your touch
That feeling inside

The sound of your voice
Compassion in your embrace
The serenity in your stride
The power in your face

The calming of your presence
The beating of your heart
The promise of tomorrow
That we may never part

The beauty of your kiss
And that magic in your touch
It is for all these reasons and more
Why I love you so much, Megels

So as the candles flicker softly
On the table set for two
There's no one on the Earth tonight
Except for me and you

A nice romantic dinner
A bottle of chilled wine
We would be there together
In a moment stopped in time

A love so few have ever known
This is its birth night
Alone within our little world
You and I and candle light

So soon we will set free the feelings
That we want to share
And I am held here spellbound
By your laughter in the air

Thoughts of love like falling leaves
Swirling in the autumn breeze
Flow in our minds and in our eyes
A tender look and longing sighs

We touch and as the fire starts
That we have kindled in our hearts
We kiss and hear the angels sing
As heavens gift to me you bring

No more to live my life alone
And in your soul I found my home
At peace within your loving arms
Captivated by your charms

And happily I'd die for you
Here at this table set for two

Always

Love, Your Edward
xoxoxoxooxooxoxoxoxooxxxxxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxox