My darling Megels,
It's been a while and you still inhabit all of my thoughts and dreams. So many nights I sleep and in my dreams you are there. Sometimes we are together somewhere or you are a vision or the other night I was able to propose to you. My dreams while I'm asleep torment me. While during the day all I seem to be able to think about is you. No matter how long you are away or I try and distract my thoughts, all I ever seem to think about is you. If you still think about us or me and if anything is a reminder to any of our memories. Do you lay in bed at night wondering if you will truly be happy with them or will it become boring, the same things over and over, no shared interests that take its toll, or if he truly appreciates you and will do whatever it takes so you have a smile on your face. I haven't seen much, I'll admit, but from what I have seen....he isn't your shared other half. Would he take you to Universal or Disney to share in the same likes and quote the rides and see all the little details of harry potter and the like? Or would he take you because you brought it up enough that he takes you just so you stop asking like he's doing you a favor out of his kindness. I doubt he would go every weekend like we did.
I don't want to sound bitter or angry, I'm the last person that even deserves to be in such a place. I messed up the most and damaged just about everything. I broke your heart and I let myself become overtaken by fear, anxiety, and someone who was very good at manipulation. All the while the woman of my dreams was right in front of me waving the brightest lights for me to come take her away to the happiest life I could dream of. No amount of sorries can take back the pain I've caused. I live in constant pain about it every single day. It hurts the most knowing that I practially pushed you into the arms of someone who doesn't share most of what you are. Take it from someone who has lived a few years with someone who doesn't share interests.....it becomes a caged prison cell in hell. It doesn;t take long before you yearn to share something, anything about what you like with someone. Either giving up, hiding, or just hiding what you like and enjoy because they aren't into it too and can't converse with you about it. It gets very boring, very frustrating and ultimately extremely depressing. I still have the handwritten letter that you sent me and I read it almost as often as I breathe. That was one of the big things you wrote in there. That we shared so many interests and you could be your real self with me.
Could you write that exact same letter to him?
We share something truly special and it is my fault that I muddied the waters. I don't feel like I'm myself but someone living a false life in disguise until the real person comes back. Like I"m holding the place of someone else and trying to be like them instead of me. I'd kill to talk star wars, marvel, video games, harry potter, supernatural, anything with you. I can't get rid of the depression, it is eating me alive.
You were right that night so many years ago. You said she wouldn't be anything but drama and bad and you cried and said I was your Edward. You were right darlin, so so so right. I let myself fall in and didn't listen to you and if I did could have saved years of abuse, pain, sadness, and depression.
I know you don't read this but it is the only way that I feel like you're still there. You said in the past that you read it every day even when I didnt' post anything for years. I'm hoping you still do, even if it isn't every day. I know I don't deserve it, I was a terrible person to what you were offering me.
My biggest regret was leaving to move back that last day. While you were at work I should have moved it all back, bought all the flowers I could and came to your job to apologize and devote my eternal love to you. For you are the only one that has made me feel like I belonged. When I think of you I feel like I"m home, all my anxiety feelings go away and I feel safe and warm and right. Anytime I'm having a bad day or feeling terrible, I think of you and feel a rush of happiness.
I understand I'm biased but I do not think he is your true other half. Not surprising coming from someone who wants to be with you too. It pains me more because it is hard to compete. I don't have tons of money or a huge family. You never struck me as the money kind of person.
The Megels I know is a nerd, a pop culture, music, game loving nerd. She wears star wars shirts, uses ninja turtle pencils, watches star wars trailers over and over, plays diddy kong racing with me, knows everything about harry potter, sings white christmas songs, and has the most beatuiful laugh. One I can get by slow head banging in the car.
Would he cook you dinner, bring you lunch to work, stay up with your drunk self on the occasional nights so you were okay, buy you your childhood games, move states to be with you, sing to you, dance with you, game with you, watch every movie with you, run to the terminator show at universal with you, quote all the in line videos.
He wouldn't hurt you though. Which I went wrong so badly.
I miss you darlin. I miss you so damn much.
I can't compete against money but you never seem to be doing anything that shows you. The nerdy you. How often does he share you online, do the things you want to do, or massage your back before bed like I was oh so good at.
I've tried everything but at the end of everyday I sit up crying, missing you so much.
You are my darlin dew, my other half, my lobster.
I broke our special bond and will do whatever time it takes to regain that back.
I hope one night, when he doesn't do what you want and goes to sleep before you. You maybe see what the future could hold and come here and check. You deleted yourself everywhere but here and there has to be a reason.
I'd better try and get some sleep. Goodnight darlin
I miss you so much and I hope one day, whenever that may be, I can hold you again. Feel you against me and know what it's like to be happy and whole again.
Always
Love, Your Edward
xoxoxoxoxxxxxxoxoxoxooxoxo
