Conquering the Seas for My True Love

I pick up the anchor as the boat rocks to and fro, placing the weight inside to balance the wooden transport.

The sun has already set making the view of all around me more difficult to see.

Finishing off the last of dinner, I go inside to take a look at the current course.

Above the maps and compasses there are photos of you, of us.  Smiling.  Happy.

The boat rolls overtop of the water in such a way that it makes the photos look like we are dancing.

Being lost at sea looking for my love was a quest worth taking on no matter what the cost.

Days would go by but I knew she was out there.  The brunette maiden of my heart.

Storms would pass every now and again, each one threatening to wipe me out.

To throw me off course.

To turn me around.

But it wouldn't matter if God himself threw the worst tsunami he had at me, my heart would still right the way and steer me towards you.

I had named the boat Megels, after you.  Both of you keeping me going in your own ways.

As the sky got darker, the stars began to spread themselves out over the canopy of space above me.

The compass shown where I should be going and I corrected the wheel to ensure my way.

Being without you is not easy, nothing seemed right.

The home felt bigger, the days filling with nothing.

My thoughts of you excited me and made me yearn to have you in my arms again.

I could hear the dolphins splashing nearby.  Having fun and inviting others to join them.

They dove above the water as if silently telling me that I was on the right course.

The sea would be my enemy but the if the reward was you then I would fight until the end.

I stepped out onto the deck and made my way to the front of the ship.

Holding the rail I steadied myself and looked off to the horizon.

I whispered into the night for any and all that could hear me.

Megels, my love, guide me.  Lead me to you so that I may be with you.

Above me in the sky there was a glint that was brighter than the others.

One of the stars began to shone with a brilliance bringing all attention to it.

There you are my darling.

I ran back inside and adjusted the course so that my boat was now following the glistening sky jewel.

The sea got rougher as if to try its best to keep me away.

Turning the wheel I took it on with determination, keeping one eye on the star in the sky.

You were leading me to you, the star making me feel the way your heart does to mine.

As the hours went on I finally saw through the mist a large dark mass slowly approaching.

There was a sound softly carrying over the breeze that I could barely hear.

It was beautiful and had an effect that was instantly calming.

It was your voice.

I could hear you singing and enticing me closer to where you were.

My seafaring vehicle made it to the dark cave and I guiding my way inside.

It was dark all except a light shining in the back.

The closer I got the clearer it was and right  at the back I saw you.

You were gorgeous.

Your beautiful brown hair dancing in the breeze and your body beckoning me forward.

I parked the ship and made my way on foot to be near you.

All that time at sea and I had finally found you.

Your beauty was more than I could have ever remembered and I reached out my hand to you.

Your voice calming every nerve in my body and your hand reached back out to mine.

When our fingers touched I knew that I had found the best treasure in all of the land.

I had found my one.

I would be the luckiest man in the world being able to call myself yours.

The sea had tried to stop me that day but nothing could stop my love for the siren of the sea.

The beautiful dew drop that was you.

Missing you tons darling.  Thinking of you so much and laying in bed fantasizing of you next to me.  I miss your voice, your touch, your laugh.  My heart beats continuously to be yours and to be your happily ever after part two.  No rough seas, no dangerous storms, no adventure too tough to not be worth being next to you.  I love you with all of my heart darlin, always.


Love, Your Edward
xoxoxoxxxxxxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

A Weekend Deal of Love

The way things work out have a way of making you truly believe that there is someone watching over your life.  The lining up of events and even so far as to how certain things play out can seem almost too good to be true when they happen to you.  There is a special girl that has my heart and a special weekend was planned out for us to go spend two days at a hotel close to where Universal was and then spend time during the day at Universal.  I booked the place and was excited to be spending time in a hotel room with the beautiful Megels.  The weekend came quickly and we got ourselves ready and everything we would need for the two days we would be away.  Sure it was just an hour away but still, there is something about being in a hotel room that makes you feel a certain way.  We did our usual drive towards Universal and seeing the sights along the way including Jesus' house and any and all accidents we'd have to go around.  The hotel was near a different smaller amusement park that we were curious about and then we parked in the parking lot.  We went in and up to the counter and were informed that our room wasn't available.  Something happened and they overbooked and didn't have a room for us.  I was devastated because I was looking forward to this weekend with Megels because it was a chance to be with her more.  The person in charge was doing everything he could to help the situation and they were sending people to a different hotel on the house to make up for the mess up.  I wasn't sure if this hotel was farther away or if it was even going to work but he assured us that everything would be taken care of.  He gave us a card with information on it and a name and said that when we get there to give them the name and explain the situation and it should be okay.  Then he gave us some cookies.  Like that was going to make everything alright.  So I ate the cookies and we got back in the car and made our way to the other new hotel.  Doubletree.  This one looked a lot better and I pulled into the parking lot out front while Megels waited in the car just in case this also didn't work, she didn't waste more of day coming in to be let down.  Inside I explained it all and it went okay because I wasn't the first person sent over I guess and everything was set up.  I went back out to the car and we parked and brought our luggage to the one entrance.  As we were walking we noticed that there were people coming in and out of the hotel in costumes.  I started to recognize some of the characters and the thought started to turn some gears in our heads.  Were we somehow stumbling upon a comic con in the area?  As we walked through the main lobby we saw more and more people cosplaying as various characters and started to name the ones we recognized.  It was really exciting and really helped aleviate the feelings of the hotel mix up and we were really pleased that we upgraded to one with a con happening.  Near the elevators we saw that the con was being held in that hotel!  Everything worked out perfectly.  We went up to our room and while walking down the hall were scared by someone dressed as a Five Nights at Freddy's character coming out of their room.  Our room was really nice with a gorgeous shower and a nice bed and that hotel feeling started coursing through my bones.  Just being there with her I was so incredibly happy.  The view out of the window you could see Universal very close by and the whole thing was turning out wonderful.  We put all of our stuff down and made our way down to the lobby to check out more of the con that was happening.  Once downstairs we walked out to the patio of the hotel and walked over to look at our surroundings.  Megels got close and smiled and offered me a proposition.  During this weekend, we could be together and she'd be my girlfriend again.  But just that weekend.  It was an unfortunately timed offer but I took it without hesitation.  Any chance I could have to hold her, kiss her, touch her, be with her I will take without question.  My lips met hers and if you'd have asked anyone walking around at that time they would swear they saw fireworks in the sky.
We went into the con and looked around at all of the tables and people and she pointed out that it was something I could use to promote my art and what I could do to get myself out there.  We had a wonderful walk around and then got ourselves ready to go to Universal for the rest of the day.
Being at Universal with her and having the status of being together again was more than a dream come true.  Every ride seemed just that much more exciting and I could barely contain my adrenaline as we stood in line for every ride.  This was a weekend I would do anything and everything I could so that it would never be able to end.  Waiting in line for the rides I would steal every kiss I could and hold her hand on every single ride we went on.  All of our familiar tried and true inside jokes were on full display from turkey leg to little mouth to it's a diversion to taking a bite out of the big apple.  I could see the smile on her face matching mine and as we strolled around the park hand in hand it was like the magic of our special place was fueling us in our hearts.  I fell in love with Megels harder than ever and hated myself for ever letting things get the best of me and put our relationship in jeopardy.  The truth was that she was my one and I would do anything in the world to keep that.
We tried to eat a dinner at one of the many restaurants there but the wait times were crazy and we began to get frustrated looking for somewhere to eat.  Emotions got a little tense but we finally we able to decide on the Hard Rock Cafe, of which we managed to eat dinner there both days of the weekend.  The walk along the lake at the end of the day was especially wonderful because I was able to proudly display my love for her and see her right next to me.  It was always that moment that meant the most to me and made me feel the best I had ever felt.  When we got back to the hotel, we discovered that the con had turned into a little end of the night rave party and we took a look inside before deciding it wasn't for us and went to our room where we laid together in bed with the television on before falling asleep on each other faster than we ever had before.  The next morning we woke up the best way I could ever imagine waking up.  Seeing her laying next to me, her beautiful hair fallen perfectly over her pretty face was like waking up in heaven.  I would look at her and wonder how someone who fit my wishes so perfectly managed to walk into my life.  We made love that morning before going back to Universal for part two and enjoying it more than the day before.  I didn't want the day to end because then our deal would end and going back to our reality back at the apartment would come back.  I didn't want to think about it.  That night when we got back to the hotel and on our way out to leave the hotel, we sat at a table and watched the cosplayers walking around.  Megels sat and stared and didn't say anything for a long time.  Sadness was taking me over as I didn't want to go back home or even think about the fact that we weren't together.  I asked her what she was thinking and she said.....it would be so easy.  It would be so easy to stay together.
My heart stopped.
We fit together so well and had so much fun together and were made for one another.  But she couldn't change her decision.  I pleaded my case but she was sticking with her choice.  But in that moment I saw her mulling it over and love was pushing through.  The weekend was what we needed but unfortunately it may have come too late.  My heart felt like it was ripped out of my chest and the only one to blame for that was me.  We packed up the car and began our drive back home. 
There was no couch sleeping after that.  The bed was once again shared but taking me back still wasn't in the cards.  I didn't have a ton of days left until I had things ready to go back home.  Depression started to reach into my body as I still couldn't imagine a day not being with her.  The next few days I would try what I could to appeal to her and show that I truly did love and want to be with her.  Moments here and there you could tell I was getting through but ultimately, her mind was set.  The day of me leaving was approaching and I would do anything to make it never show up.

The story continues in part 19....................

My heart pains me to be away from you dew drop.  I miss you like crazy and want to share with you all the nerdy fun adventures we can have together.  Being away from you is like being in jail, not that i'd know what that was like but it is torture none the less.  I would give anything to be near you, to hold you in my arms again and feel your body against mine.  To talk to you every day about all things pop culture and to have you latch on to me like a spider monkey in bed.  I still have dreams that involve you.  Life lacks electricity without you and I know that we are our best true selves when we are with each other.  I miss you turkey leg and I love you with all of me.  My heart and my entire being is yours and will have your hand the second you give the word.  You are the most special person God could have ever created and I will continue to hope and pray that I can be yours again.  My heart is forever yours, always.

Love, your Edward
xoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxox

I would give anything to lay with you and watch this darlin, this one is for us

Miss you so much my darlin

xoxox

A World Without You is a Painting with No Color

She opened up her heart and tore down her walls. She let me in to her most private of sanctums and let me wander the halls taking in everything that she had held close.  She set up residence with me, allowing us both to entertain a future together full of happiness.  Fear and worry and guilt began to rot those walls until the heart had to protect itself and close off the privilege of the inner halls of her heart.  Just hearing the words coming out of her mouth that it was all over was like being shot and knowing that it was a fatal wound that you wouldn't be walking away from.  What hurt worst was that it was my fault, I had let the fear bleed its way in and wasn't strong enough to stop it.  The one person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with closed off that chance.  I sat there not knowing what to do at all, tears welling up in my eyes.  Never did I ever have any thought of my future not including her and us together.  My mind was reeling and full of blanks and a complete sense of being lost immediately.  No matter how badly the parental guilt was and the homesick feeling was, it never was strong enough to override my feelings of love and wanting to be with her.  But, she had reached a point where she couldn't have faith in it anymore.  Could you blame her?  With every week that went by I felt more and more like a complete family destroying asshole because of the messages I was getting from back home.  It wasn't fair to me and it wasn't fair to Megels because all she was guilty of was being a loving girlfriend who wanted to get married and start a life together.  There was no reason at all for her to be hurt over this or not be the one I could go to to talk about how I was feeling and how to fix it.  I was immediately from that moment not allowed to sleep in the bed or kiss her, touch her, hold her, or anything of the sort.  I could barely believe it was all crashing down around me and spent all night on the couch crying and continued into the next day.  The next few days were extremely upsetting and awkward because we had never been like this before and now that we were on a separation field, it was very strange after being so close for so long.  Nights were more lonely than ever as I laid on the couch in the dark watching the moon and listening to the water fountain outside.  I could hear her sleeping from down the hall and sometimes would go to the doorway and look in to see her in that bed curled up under the blankets sleeping away.  The apartment seemed insanely quiet and the amount of thoughts that went through my head were like a rapid firing machine gun.  All of them were hopes and wishes that this would and could be fixed.  A few more nights went by and I began to get very depressed, I didn't want to leave or go home, I wanted to be with her.  I wanted to be in that bed again with her holding on to me and being able to kiss her in the morning before work and greet her happily when she got home.  I wanted her head in my lap at night while I played with her hair and I wanted to hold her hand again.  But I laid on that couch alone, in the dark, with just my hopes and wishing every night that I could be forgiven for being weak and losing what I wanted most.  I would try to fight for it and want to stay but she wasn't giving in and I was worried about pushing too much that it would only make things worse off.
One night, I laid in the dark upset and heard her walk down the hall.  She stood at the entryway to the hallway and asked if I wanted to sleep in the bed that night.  It was difficult not to jump for joy and get on my knees and thank the man upstairs but I didn't want to take it for granted or assume anything that wasn't actually happening.  She explained that she felt bad that I was out there and we could share the bed that night and then switch off every other night of who would sleep in the bed.  I pleaded we both could but she stuck to her guns.  It was something at least. 
As the days went on I was reminded of just how much our hearts were connected and how special our relationship was.  We were still in love and wanting to be together but she was hurt and it was understandable how she was reacting to it.   The days went on and things were less heated and we started to drift back a little and being more friendly towards one another.  Started eating together again, going out places, and when she would go out with her friend she would come back a little drunk and when she was like that she would be a bit more intimate with me.  I wouldn't stop her but I wouldn't let her go too far.  I would hope she would want to be held and sleep next to and kissed but felt unright to pursue anything sexual if she was drunk.  I didn't want to take advantage of her even though if she would've been okay with anyone doing anything at all it would have been with me anyways.  I would continue to try and push and reconsider and try and get things back but she would still hold firm to her decision.  We began to drift back towards one another but she would never let it go all the way or change her mind on her decision.  We continued to take our trips to Universal and having good days and went to a comic con one weekend with which we were a little late to and missed seeing Stan Lee.  Visited the beach a few times and saw some more movies and if you would have spent time around us you would have guessed that we were together. 
When we were out at the comic con, we had dinner together and found ourselves right near a ripley's believe it or not and went on it so I could spend some more time with her and do something else fun that might try and change her mind a little bit.  It was a fun experience and I could not imagine myself having fun with anyone more than her.

The days after almost a month had started to almost become like they were.  We got along very well and the walls were taken down a little bit but she was still sticking to her guns.  I would lay awake at night still hoping the next day would be the day that she reconsidered and we talked it out.  The days never seemed to come and soon I would have to make plans to actually go back home, leaving behind the happiest chapter of my life.  I did everything I could to make sure those thoughts were never on my mind.  I tried everything I could to convince her and show that I wanted to stay with her but she was already making plans to change the apartment and start anew.  Little pieces of our love would squeeze out every so often and we would share the bed and most mornings I would watch her get up in the morning through our mirrors and see her drying off her wet naked body out of the shower.  The time would eventually come where I would have to put my time in at my job and get ready to quit there so that I was free up for my upcoming move back home.  My job was a great place with the best people I've ever worked with.  Everyone was friendly like a big family and treated me very well.  They seemed sad that I was leaving and even put together a going away dinner at a nearby restaurant for me.  Everybody was there and said their goodbyes and one of them got me a card and it was the best I had ever been treated at a job.  When I left the restaurant I went and sat in my car, storm clouds were rolling in and the drops of rain began to hit my car.  And I cried.  I just sat in my car in the rain and I just cried.  I felt like I had lost my own family.
Megels and I were still being pretty close and getting along very well.  We had started to act a little more intimately as well and would absentmindedly hold hands, kiss her, or do other things while we were around Universal or in bed, etc.  For a moment I almost convinced myself that our love could be brought back and I forgiven.  We took the cats to the vet one morning and on the way taking me to work we decided I would stay for another month.  She said she could use the help with the bills but that she also would like me to be there for a little longer.  My heart was reaching out and screaming to be holding her again and this was taken as hope even though it wasn't said specifically.  I had no problem agreeing to that.  I wanted to do something that would be a very great gesture of love and something I wanted us to do together to hopefully rekindle what I had broken and show her that I truly did care and want to be with her forever.  I had signed up for a new credit card so that I had something open for the moving and I used a portion of that to rent a hotel next to Universal for a weekend for us.  We would stay in the hotel and go to Universal during the day and I hoped this would be the linchpin that would secure her heart.  She loved the idea and the date was set.
The following events to get to A hotel would be an adventure to say the least and a weekend that a certain rule was given that almost brought our love to where it always was.

The story continues in part 18......................

I love you more and more every day dew drop.  I miss you like crazy and think of you all the time.  I watched Spider-Man Homecoming and it made me think of you when you would say 'but i like spider-man too'.  Missing the feeling of you in my arms is like missing a limb.  Your voice calming every bone in my body.  Your touch exciting all the adrenaline my body is capable of.  Your eyes looking at me so beautifully telling me that I can achieve greatness.  I want to tell you you're beautiful every morning and kiss you every night before bed so you have the sweetest of dreams.  I want to read to you my favorite books and game with you the best of games.   I want to hold your hand and walk along the beach, our toes splashing through the water as we leave footprints in the sand.  The setting sun warming us up as we kiss in its rays.  I miss you darlin.  My love radiates through every star above, shining only for you Megels, always.

Love, Your Edward
xooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

By Your Side

When the sun goes down and the sky turns in for the night, my thoughts are on you.
The clouds comb the sky tucking it in for the day.  The birds settling in their nests.
My eyes scan the skyline to the horizon and what I see through it all is you.
The two of us on a beautiful landscape made of the those rays of light just before the night swallows it up.
Our feet keeping in tune with one another as we sway this way and that, each step igniting a star in the sky.

You think I'd leave your side baby

You know me better than that

You think I'd leave you down when you're down on your knees

I wouldn't do that

Cause I'll tell you you're right when you want

And if only you could see into me

When we turn, your dress splashes over the twinkling jewels in the sky, sweeping them down into the oceans beneath us.
They scatter overtop of every way so that in the moonlight, it lights up the sea like a shimmering road down the center of the deep blues.
My hand is in yours holding tightly as a guide and each finger having its own personal dance with each one of yours.
We don't miss a beat and our eyes lock with a love and feeling that is so wonderful that all down in the sand below us look up in awe.

Oh when you're cold, I'll be there

Hold you tight to me

When you're on the outside baby and you can't get in

I will show you, you're so much better than you know

When you're lost and you're alone and you can't get back again

I will find you darling and I will bring you home

A shooting star streaks by your hair and catches a few strands blowing it up like a breeze coming off of a guiding lighthouse standing proud at the sea bank.
Your waist moves with the harmony as my hand tries its best to contain its wonder and follow it with each thrust.
Your eyes are beautiful, the only thing I can gaze into and never want to look away.
The sky is an immense playground for our dancefloor, not a single disruption no matter how I turn you so.

And if you want to cry

I am here to dry your eyes

And in time, you'll be fine

You think I'd leave your side baby

You know me better than that

You think id leave you down when you're down on your knees

I wouldn't do that

The two of us light up the sky as our own aurora, the only person in the world that matters most in every moment is you.
My hand touches the glass of my window as I gaze outwardly hoping your heart can feel my yearning from afar.
You are truly the most unique special person I have ever met in my entire life, a final missing piece to the completion of the puzzle that is life.
You have an aura about you that defies words and description but carries with it a beauty that no art in any museum in history has been able to capture.

I'll tell you you're right when you want

And if only you could see into me

Oh when you're cold, I'll be there

Hold you tight to me

Oh when you're low

I'll be there by your side baby

As I sit here missing you with all of my heart, I listen to a certain song that holds a special meaning to me.
One that has stuck with me for so many years and every time I hear it I think of you.
Holding you on a cold night, wrapped warmly in a blanket.  Our bodies together and you laying your head on my shoulder.
Spending the moments of my life with you and feeling like I can beat any odds.
Looking at you wondering how someone so pretty even exists in this world.
The song reminds me of you also because of where I heard it first.
For you are the Ramona to my Scott.
And am in such lesbians with you it's crazy.

Oh when you're cold, I'll be there

Hold you tight to me

Oh when you're low

I'll be there by your side baby

My love for you is pure and true, on this night this song fills my ears and my dreams coast along those stars over to you.  Missing you more than ever and sending my love over the atmosphere to your dreams.
Love is the greatest most powerful meaning of life.
Especially towards someone as special and amazing as you.
My love will be yours, always.

Love, Your Edward
xoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxxoxoxoxooxxo

The Emotional Dam Breaks

Family is the one group of people that you don't choose who you are born to.  You spend the beginning of your life with these people and it is up to them to take care of you and make sure you are healthy, wise, and prepared for the world ahead of you out there.  How they choose to do it and how much of their time they choose to devote to it is up to them.  During this time they can become your best friend, your enemy, your role models, your keeper, or a combination of them all.  It is understandable when they leave the nest that you feel some sort of sadness as the person you've been living with and raising for over a decade is now spreading their wings to fly on their own in their own life where you may not see them every day.  This time is important as you want to be supportive and not negative and be proud of your offspring and their decisions.  Unfortunately my parents were not strong enough to do the latter.  My mother wanted to have her own family as close as possible and never apart because when she was growing up hers always was the opposite so it was something she wanted to make for her own.  It's understandable but it also limits what your children can do and when they do choose something that breaks from that mold it isn't necessarily fair to them to make them feel badly about their choice.  Surprise, mine did.  Once me and Megels got home to visit you could feel in the air that there was a certain feeling of darkness or anxiety.  Like I was returning somewhere that had bad clouds around it that I hadn't noticed before.  For the first time in my life I felt uneasy and sad about being at home.  Granted there was always the homesick sense but this was different, this was a feeling I had never felt before that I didn't like.  I felt like an outsider who was visiting people who secretly didn't like me anymore but were making a good effort to be nice and welcoming while I stayed at their home.   Guilty.  I felt extremely guilty.  And for what?  I had moved somewhere that I was really liking, doing things I loved, being with someone I wanted to marry, and getting track laid for plans to pursue what I really wanted to in life.  How was that a bad thing?  They continued to pull out the guilt card and how they really wanted me to come back and were we really planning on staying down there forever and it was really upsetting and they cried daily, etc.  How was I supposed to enjoy my visit to my family when all I felt was an overwhelming feeling of being the worst person in the world?  Then they tell me my one sister has a problem with her body or cells or something, to be honest I don't remember.....nothing came of it..... and it made me feel even worse for not being around my sisters of which now one may have some health issues.  It was all just too much to take in and put me in a state that I felt extremely lost and unsure of everything I was doing in life.  This was the worst thing that could have possibly happened.  Mixed with the anxiety of Megel's father going to come live with us and now all of this, it just became too much for me and without anyone to really go to I didn't handle it well at all.  True I could have gone to Megels but, and nothing against her, she was sort of on a biased end of it.  I'm sure she would understand but there wasn't a lot that could have been done.  Megels was excited for us to be married and was telling her family all about it that weekend and then mine went out to a Chinese buffet to eat and while I was there I was getting pictures sent to me from my love of her making faces at me.  It was all that was keeping me going and keeping me smiling while out with the people that were bringing me down.  But without any kind of outlet for my emotions, I began to hit bottom.  And my darling dew drop noticed.
That night we facetimed on the phone and I told her what all I was feeling and how it was making me unsure about what to do in Florida.  You could see on her face that it wasn't what she wanted to hear and upset her.  I didn't say or do or decide anything and tried to keep my chin up but the oil was in the water and fears and doubt began to take up residence in my girl's head.  When the weekend was over we packed back up and with her father choosing to drive down, we took the long drive back down to Florida.  When I think of certain things I've done I become really embarrassed and ashamed of so many of them.  During the car ride down, I laid in the backseat and wallowed in my anxiety filled worries and just tried to sleep my way down.  All it did was give the impression of anger and hate and temper tantrum to two people who did nothing wrong at all.  Her father was being nice and choosing to drive the way down so we didn't have to and Megel's was the girl I was head over heels in love with.  I guess I was just passive aggressively taking out my frustrations with my own family to anyone around me.  I had never seen my family act the way they were my entire time alive so it was something I wasn't sure how to react to and I took it the worst way possible.  If I could go back I would open up more on that car ride and try to make it easier on those that were traveling with me.  I hate the way I acted.  When we got back home I helped everyone inside and then went to bed with tears in my eyes and anger towards my family for messing up what I was truly happy with.
Having just gotten her friend out of the house so that we had our time together back, it wasn't easy for me to have someone else back in there now and now feeling even more worried and uncomfortable.  It's one thing having a friend live with you, it's another to have the father of the woman you love living with you.  I was very worried about what he would do or say involving anything really.  Playing video games felt uncomfortable, when we watched movies he would explain the ending first once we started it, and trying to have sex was nerve wracking.  How do you pleasure your girl when her father is 15 feet away?  Another instance that I could have taken better.  To be fair, all he was doing was trying to find a job so that he could move somewhere with his wife.  Same thing Megels did for me.  Honestly it really wasn't that bad, he did try and stay out of the way and went out a lot and did manage to get a job pretty quickly.  I never had a real place to go or a real outlet for my worries during this time which was very unhealthy.  You cannot be uncomfortable or hold in emotions like that without risk of them poisoning you from the inside out.  My mother didn't give up and I became scared to look at my phone in the morning or feel a text vibration in my pocket for fear it was her sending me a message on how awful a person I was for leaving the family behind.  So, I had to just not answer or block it out for a while, just to get back on my happy feet.  Me and Megels continued to go to Universal, took some trips to the beach, which were my favorite with her.  I loved seeing her in her swimming suit, the way her hair fell over the strings of the bathing suit top.  I would still try and catch a peek at her naked breasts if she leaned forward in a way that her suit separated from her body even though all I had to do was ask to see her boobs.  We would hold hands while we laid on the sand and played around splashing cold water on each other in the ocean.  When the sun tanned her face enough, she would get little freckles on her face that went over her nose and it was so incredibly attractive and cute.  We went to a comic con where we saw a Lego section where they recreated famous architecture from Star Wars to Resident Evil, saw the many things on sale including a 2D looking purse that she liked and some interestingly made clocks that looked like pop culture icons.  My love for her never wavered and I was trying to think of a way to sneak off one day to get the ring in order.  The pestering and negativity from my family continued and Megel's doubts started to rise along with them.  It was becoming more obvious that I was debating on whether I should give in  and go home, leaving her down there, or stay and just deal with a family that would never be able to cope.  She soon gave me an ultimatum.  One that my hesitation showed that her doubts were very strong now.  She definitely had a point, how could she continue to and marry someone who might run back home any day because his family guilted him into it.  But, and what I should have explained clearer and more confidently, I never wanted to leave her.  She was my new family and they would have to do with me being happy and with the person I was truly in love with.  I should have talked to Megels more and reassured her and asked her for help.  Instead I let my fears and anxieties take over and didn't make the choice.  It was all becoming too much and one night, the worst fear of my life came true.  She sat me down and said that she was ending the relationship.

The story continues in part 17.........................

I miss you so so much dew drop.  Had a nightmare tonight that involved you and was unable to get back to sleep.  I wish so much that I was with you, in our own place, holding you tightly at night excited for what the new day would bring.  I want to quiz you on more music and hear you quote Harry Potter.  I want to game with you and take you out to dinner wearing your most beautiful dress.  I want to create for you and travel with you.  Your smile is the fuel for my heart.  I love you with every ounce of my being darlin, not a single day goes by where I wish you were by my side experiencing it together.  I will continue to wish out upon all the stars and the moon of every night away from you.  As my heart continues to beat your name and hope to hears yours again, always.

Love, Your Edward
xoxoxoxoxoxxoxooxxooxoxxoxoxoxoxoxxoo

Morning Love Poem to You

You are the one person to make me feel in ways I didn't know existed.

Just thoughts of you lift me up out of my troubles.

You were the sunshine anytime I was drenched in rain

You are my laughter anytime I have to handle pain.

We share a connection that most people spend a lifetime trying to find.

No matter what room we may share no matter where we are

You are the most beautiful person every time I look across it.

When I am with you I can feel myself becoming the person I always dreamed myself of becoming.

We were destined to meet

No matter the distance we always return to each other time after time

It's that once in a lifetime connection

The one that makes you feel truly alive just sitting next to you

Even the silence is comfortable

Because I feel more complete just being in your presence

When I look into your eyes I see a reflection of my future looking back at me.

It's amazing that with just a bat of your eyes you can make me feel better.

The way your hand wraps around mine giving me life.

The perfect match of the two of us sitting together sharing an experience.

If anytime you were ever cold I would wrap myself around you.

If any thirst would become of you I would fetch you any ocean.

If darkness should shade your light I would lasso every star and woo the sunrise.

Every day my heart fills itself with images and memories of you.

Your laughter filling the air like the soundtrack to the perfect moment.

Your smile is an example of healing without touching.

When I look out of the window my words are sent out over the clouds to you.

My dreams filled with fantasies of holding you again and making you smile.

I miss you more and more over every mile of distance apart.

There are very few people int he world that are capable of being just so special.

I want to hold you in my arms

Close enough for you to feel what you do to my heart

I want to take your hand and walk you through my dreams

Just to show you that what I live for is you and me

Love is the most beautiful of all emotions

The way it makes you feel and the things it makes you do

It's crazy and wonderful and all life strives to feel it

You are the personification of that feeling in the best package imaginable.

I miss you darlin dew drop.

My heart loves you with the best of those crazy and wonderfuls

You are the best gift this world could ever be given.

Love guides the heart in many ways to keep it beating day after day.

My love for you guides every sunrise of every day 

Every love story is beautiful

But ours is my favorite

My hand will reach out for more chapters every single starry night.

Always

Love, Your Edward

xoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxxooxoxoxox

Love Drops the Ball

Life is made of unpredictable wonderful moments that you could never plan but savor when they do.  Moments become memories and angelic instances when you are with the right person.  Your heart beats harder and with more life than it ever has before.  The world opens its arms with possibilities you didn't see before, the air a rarefied life giving force.  Any day spent with Megels was one of those gifts wrapped in love that was delivered straight from heaven itself.  No better person exists with a bigger heart, more beautiful soul, and most amazing aura around her.  She makes me feel like I have the ability to create and inspire people to achieve their dreams.  When her friend left there was a sense that I could breathe better.  It sounds insensitive but I did feel a little cramped and for a little bit there I felt like I didn't have a voice that mattered.  But, Megels is a darling that you couldn't ask for a better person.  The clearer days sprouted back up again and me and darling dew drop experienced more of the greatest and funnest times of our adventure.  We investigated a nearby flea market that was set up inside and out and connected inside that almost was like a maze.   There were more people there with tables selling things than I had ever seen at any market that I had ever been to.  Each pathway led to more setups and more paths that led around and around with people selling everything from clothes and old records to video games.  We got on a small kick of getting ice cream and she got a taste of wanting to try milkshakes from steak and shake often.  When I was at work one day I was sent a picture from her of a broken key with the included text saying 'so this happened.'  When she was turning the key in our apartment door, the key had snapped off and she was able to get the key piece out of the lock, she did need a key to operate the rest of her day.  This was my opportunity to show off my beautiful girl to the coworkers at my job.  I was very excited and told her she could stop there and take my key so that she had one.  I could barely pay attention to what I was doing at work and every time I heard the door open my heart jumped up into my throat.  Suddenly I heard the door open and when I looked back I saw the face of the woman I had fallen in love with.  I was so excited to see her and when I whipped around to meet her eyes, according to her later, she was smitten all over again.  What had started to worry me was the fact that she continued to try and convince her family to move down there to live.  I was only against this because having the families all in one place worked well so that when we visited home we could see our families at the same time and when we tied the knot and wanted to start a family we could move back up and be around both of our families instead of having to travel so far with the baby.  She was okay with this until her family took her up on her offer and started to talk about it actually happening.  I was hurt inside because a part of me took it as her knowing that it was something important to me that I wanted and still pushing ahead to bring her family down and not thinking about how I felt about mine.  I know she wasn't doing it to spite me or not take my feelings into account but it still felt that way.  My parents were far less likely to visit or even travel and I didn't think it was fair.  She assured me that they would never actually move because they would never do something like that anyways but with every week that went by they would say they were going to do it and she backed them up.  What didn't help was that the entire time I would always get a text from my mom that was the most negative awful guilt tripping terrible thing I had ever read.  She would say that I tore the family apart and ruined the family and she was incapable of getting out of depression and everyone just cries all the time.  It was really starting to give me anxiety and worries that weren't fair because I was happy and they didn't see to care about that.  The worst was when I got a text from my mother while me and Megels were on our way to Universal and it said 'sometimes I wish I had a gun so I could just end it all.'  What could I even say to that or enjoy my day at Universal??  I felt like I was in the worst possible position because I was happy with Megels and wanted to be there and marry her but then my family would be destroyed and hate me and make me feel horrible all the time.  But I didn't want to move back because I really was happy there with Megels.  They kept it up so much and the combination of that and with her family actually really considering coming down, I started to have a panic attack and my thoughts got muddied.  I felt like I wasn't allowed to be happy.  I had everything I had ever wanted and I was still being made to feel bad about anything I did.  Thankfully Megels was a sweetheart and we had our minds and hearts occupied with other things.  She wanted to start an exercise and work out routine to get in better shape and I promised to help and do it with her.  She put up print outs of weekly ab workouts and how much weight she wanted to have lost in however many days/weeks.  We kept it up alright for a bit, even going to the apartment complex's gym and using the machines in the super hot room with no fans.  We tried to eat better but that was always our weakness and first thing to break.  I ran at night for an hour also to try and get better as well.  This was interrupted when the cats got fleas and we had to take time every evening to sit in the bathroom and using tweezers, pick off the fleas from the cats which got to a boiling point because I should have just gotten Frontline in the first place.  I drew some more art and one she even had put on our wall of Nicole Kidman taking off her shirt.  Our weekend continued to be Universal weekends as we tried to experience everything the place had to offer.  One morning I remember going to a new restaurant beforehand and she split her pants while out and we had to stop at a store to buy new pants before we left for the park.  We had lovely times at the park and the nights ended with her in bed asking for a back massage.  I would lotion her up and rub her back until I heard her quiet snores to signify that she had fallen asleep.  There wasn't a night that went by where I wasn't excited to have her sleeping next to me.  It is and still is the best sleep I have ever gotten.  Being near her calms my mind and strips away all of my stress.  Some nights she would play cooking mama and some nights we would just lay together while we both read our books.  The spring had shown up and things were going alright albeit my shaky worries about what to do about my family and my worries were being picked up by Megels and it was worrying her.  How could she put her faith in someone who was having trouble on the ground that he was on about being down there.  My brain was going through troubles and I didn't open up to my love and that was a big mistake.  Not only did it not put trust in my girlfriend, but it let the problem fester and grow inside of me without properly being addressed. 

Megels is the smartest person I know and she tried her best to help me out but my anxiety with my family was not getting addressed so she hit me hard with the loves.  It did feel better and I called my friend the one afternoon and he really helped me focus to the point where I felt stupid for even questioning any inch of being with Megels down in a place that I had also fallen in love with.  She continued to be adorable and we planned a trip home for the Easter holiday.  When I got home from work one night I saw that she had redone the apartment and set up more pictures of us and it looked really well done.  I loved it and holding her I gave her a kiss and we were back on cloud 9.  Then she said that on our trip back, her dad would be joining us and living with us while he found a job and then her family was moving down.  The thing she promised me wouldn't happen and would take my side into account was happening.  I felt hurt and a little betrayed.  I know she meant no harm in it whatsoever and even promised me that if they ended up really moving that she would do what it took to make sure I was able to see my family often as well.  I appreciated it but I still felt like she wasn't taking my position into account.  We drove back home and you could tell there was some anger in the air but we did have some levity to it all.  Anytime we drove to and from there was a big sense of togetherness.  Being in that car with just the two of us driving in the dark late hours created a bond that I wish I could experience again.  You don't see how much you love that drive and being with that person one on one alone.  We talked about what to name our child and when we wanted to plan our marriage.  I would try every baby name by yelling for it to get out of the dish washer and she would laugh.  I was excited that the girl I prayed for every night wanted to marry me.  She made me feel a hell of a lot better and it wasn't long before I was back to my old feeling self.  When we arrived home, my family pulled out every guilt card and managed to crack my shell.  I broke.

The story continues in part 16......................

I really miss you Megels darlin.  Being up here without you is just not the same.  I would give anything to be with you down there again in our own place.  You complete me in ways I can't even begin to describe.  Just hearing your voice makes my day and our conversations are missed so so much.  My heart yearns to be with you again and I know we can have the best fun ever together.  I've never met someone more perfect with as much in common.  You are the constant light that keeps me going every day.  The beauty that gets me up in the morning and the love that guides my dreams at night.  I love you with all of my heart and want to be yours again.  I will be right here for you sweetness, no matter what it takes, no matter how long, always.

Love, Your Edward
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo