New Year and the biggest most important resolution of my life

This New Year is the most important of all.  The year ends and brings with it the relief of knowing that the worst is over.  It was a tough tough year, well, past two years...and I for one am glad that the new year is coming with the feeling of excitement.  A new time for a fresh start and to pursue what I want and what and who truly makes me happy.
This was something I should have said before to you and even though it's a little late, I am going to take now to say it.
I am sadly not holding you in my arms at the moment but believe me I am doing everything I can to feel like I am.  We celebrated the new year down there together and at the time I was grumpy and messed it up and I feel so bad because your big beautiful eyes were looking up at me with such love. Well darlin, I want to say all of this to you now.
This New Year I promise to be the best me that I can possibly be.  I know that I am capable of so much and can accomplish anything that I put my mind to.  I am talented and creative and will always shoot for the stars no matter how many people tell me it's crazy.  This new year I vow to grow and follow my heart.  There is a beautiful brunette with the prettiest eyes.  She is a cute shortie who is smart, educated, funny, and is the only person who has truly made me feel not only like I could do anything, but that I was cherished and wanted.  Someone who actually made you feel like a team and work at making the other have a great day no matter how cloudy.
I haven't been myself for a little bit and have tarnished a reputation that I was proud of.  I'm in love with a girl who to this day makes me feel like I'm the luckiest person in the world.  I hurt her and not a day goes by that I don't regret that and feel terrible about.  She is so kind and caring and the exact angel that I prayed for.  I don't want to be without her and know that she is out there still thinking and hoping and I am too.  This new year I don't want to go without her and my resolution is to make her happy.  I've messed up too much and don't deserve someone as special as her but if given the opportunity, my resolution is to make sure she smiles every day and laughs more than she ever did.  I wasn't grateful enough for the things she did when we lived together and acted like a child throwing a tantrum when I wasn't comfortable or liked what was going on around me.  Through the thick and thin and the worst of times she still believed it was us until the end, forever soul mates.
I believe it too.
My resolution is to make things right.  Correct all the wrongs that I have done and be the man I was always meant to be.  I know she is still hoping, the same way I know she still looks and waits and hopes.  Two lovers miles apart looking out at the sunset wondering if the other is doing the same and mentally talking to the other in hopes that they hear.
I was terrible.
I feel bad about being so rude and not helping enough and not doing everything and more in my power to take advantage of the gift that was presented to me when she was here right in front of me ready.  It's hard to get up in the morning knowing the pain I've caused and the things I've messed up.  But I can always sleep with a smile in the back of my mind knowing that she is still out there and one phrase keeps going through my head.
The door will never close.
A simple phrase from a hand written letter that I look at almost every day.
That is my hope and what keeps me going.  The end is so close that it can happen any time now and it's about time.
My new years resolution is to love you like nobody else ever has.
I still believe it is us and love you so much it's crazy.
I'm making everything right and the light at the end of the tunnel is right there.  The wait has been unfair and greedy and well, just plain shitty.  But, I promise with all my being that I will make it worth it and spend the rest of my life making you the happiest girl, woman, wife, mother that I can possible manage.

Still true to this day.
Happy New Year dew drop Megels
It is closer than every before and my new years resolution is to make everything right and finish all of this as fast as I can so that you are in my arms.
I hope your New Years was nice and sweet and I cannot wait to take the next steps.  Have a very wonderful night and Happy New Year,   I love you dew drop  <3 p="">

The Oncoming of New

The New Year is quickly approaching and brings forth the most exciting time for me.  The plan and path ahead has been going better than ever and the upcoming new years eve will see me spending it with my parents by myself for the first time in a few years and it provides a nice open space of breathing air that labels yet another step to the immediate future.  Christmas came and went rather quickly and as posted before, felt a little empty and just not the same.  True it was spent with the family...sans one...and there was dinner and gifts and a general cheer but the feeling of you by my side had never felt more missed.  I stand by my Christmas wish and am so close to putting it into action I find myself having a giggle here and there throughout the day.  Making sure nobody sees me, short nerd giggling to himself looks oddly suspicious.  The Christmas gifts went off well with the ever present double gift rearing its head.  I had bought a new Tim Burton book at half price and was excited to show it to the parents and halfway through my gift opening lo and behold I open that Tim Burton book.  I always feel bad when that happens because the person is so excited for the reaction of the giftee and I felt like the wind was taken out of the sails with that one.  The rest of the gifts were great from a small little tin Star Wars lunch box to various video games and movies, one of note being the remastered all on one disc Lego Harry Potter saga for Playstation 4....I maaaay have asked for that one specifically for you to play  :)
There is a girl who sits in the cube next to mine who looks just like you and came from Florida, her boyfriend is here with her up here and it is just so crazy how all of that is and right there next to me as a sign.  I've had a number of dreams that involved you with a few notables being me at some sort of banquet and I didn't want it to start because I didn't know where you were.  The seat in front of me was empty and all I could think was where are you?  We can't start the dinner without Megels.  A more recent one I can't remember but the one thing that did stick was I asked you what you thought about what we were looking at.  No idea what we were looking at but I wanted your opinion.  They range from us going somewhere or me looking for you, every time.
The dreadful cold stinks and I've just been head over heels for you more than ever.  The year is just about over and I couldn't be happier.  I want it out of the way and the new one to come.  New everything and the long awaited super excited can't wait to start it end of this ridiculous path that I"ve been working through.  I want to show you the world and have a blast making every day something you look forward to.  The only time I feel butterflies in my tummy is when I think of you.  What I would give to have the spider monkey maneuver happening on me right now.   You really make me happy, in a way that is true and real.  There's just so much about you that is real.  I keep thinking about that image you took of me drawing while we watched tv and you wrote that you could watch me draw forever.  Or that night we spontaneously played a bunch of rounds of old school Mortal Kombat.  Or when we watched Under the Stars and the ending made us hug with serious love.  Being with you made me feel accomplished, like I had the most gorgeous award and that I had a worth.  The only thing I love more than you is making you smile and feel that love.  It's so close it hurts.
You are what happens when a shooting star lights up a sky.
You are the inspiration that fuels the creative fire in an artist like me.
You are what happens when love becomes tangible.
Holding your hand is the most fun I've ever had.
Miss and love you so much.  Nighty night dew drop

Christmas Wish

This Christmas will be the last I spend feeling the emptiness of being without you.  We have missed too many and the ones that I have spent with you have been the most memorable.  True there are memories of growing up and waking up in the morning to see all the gifts under the tree and trying to guess what they were before the parents woke up and we could tear them all open.
A few notable memories are watching cartoons on Fox Kids in the morning while waiting for parents to wake up, getting Star Wars on DVD and almost dieing, and of course having Christmas Story on while we did Christmas....that's right, your favorite movie of all time.
But the ones that stick out to me are the ones that you were a part of because it felt truly special and like it really meant something.  Whether it was a small tree that we got while working at Limited and taking a nap in the Home Depot parking lot, the one we decorated under the Christmas lights one beautiful night with the penguin ornament that stuck around every year or the adult sized one that the cats liked to be in and leaving needles all the way up to our apartment door.  We took photos that one night that I have yet to ever take better of, this one being my absolute favorite that gives me so many feelings and a yearning to do it again.

There is just something  about it that takes me back to that moment and even now still puts me back in the mindset of being in the holiday season and sharing such a wonderful moment and looking at you more than the tree we just decorated.
The holiday continued to deliver even in Florida where we got ourselves a real tree and decorated it while having on Scrooged and some random youtube videos of Christmas specials and the Bob Hope Roasts...of all things.
I miss laying with you while you played back the specials that you grew up with like Garfield's Christmas and the best of all

It felt like I was accepted into the most famous private club being able to watch those with you and it was so adorable how well you decorated the apartment for the holiday, even down to the mistletoe hanging above the hallway so we could kiss right before bed every time, not like we needed an excuse.  The cold weather was always an angry villain to you and I cleaned your car off when I could and was even rewarded one night when cold little Megels came over in a buttoned up coat and made her way down to my room only to take the coat off to reveal a sexy naughty outfit that not only took me by surprise but actually made my heart skip a beat.
With this Christmas I am graced with knowing that the nightmare that has eaten two years of my life is finally clearing and I wish upon the holiday star to be able to make a trek down to what my heart seeks.  Christmas just feels empty without you, like a vital part of my being is missing.  There is no holiday movie viewing with a cutie next to me singing along to White Christmas or seeing your face brighten when you unwrap Luigi's Mansion, Supernatural autographs, or a Supernatural Jane Austin book combo.  Don't worry I won't bring up the Casino....i mean, other than that....did I just fail?  ahem
This Christmas I only ask Santa for one thing.
I don't want to experience any more Christmas' without you.  I did like I said, get you something that is very meaningful.  Also trying my damn hardest not to see Star Wars without you, avoiding spoilers is a nightmare.
So Santa, if you are listening.....I've made a lot of mistakes.  I've hurt people and hurt the person I love the most.  I've been blind and clouded like I've been addicted to a bad drug that has changed my mind and body to unhealthy states that I found it so hard to kick while those around me saw me going down and tried to rescue me.  I've been a fool and an idiot and am ashamed and embarrassed that it took me this long to get it straight.  It taught me a lot and while painful, it did help me to grow up where I needed to.  There is a life that I know is for me and know where I can flourish and achieve great things and I had that life once.  I also had the best other half anyone could ever dream of.  I remember looking out my window at night when I was younger and asking God to please help show me my one.  Lo and behold he made due on his promise.  Santa, I know I can't take back the mistakes and pains that I have caused but, if you'd give me just this one wish I will spend the rest of my life making up for everything and more.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Merry Christmas dew drop   <3 p="">

When Growing up Matters Most

2-  While the flu attacks my body and I do my best to keep up with Etsy orders, my mind is full of memories and fantasies that are filled to the brim with your smiling face.  Agreements and plans have been settled and the future that I know was meant to be is drawing near.
There is a commercial running now for Star Wars toys and it follows a little girl training dressed as Rey with her friends and at the end graduates to earning her lightsaber.  She strikes it up and the look on her face fills me with such tear filled joy and a big heartwarming feeling of why growing up has changed my outlook on having a child.  It's crazy to think back that just a few years ago I never wanted any believing they would take up all time and be way too much work to now wanting to have that connection and legacy where you pass things on, share experiences and grow with your child.  Being able to do the things parents did, being on the other side.
I have been nonstop thinking of you and my mind has been running wild.  What comes to mind most are the experiences that I relive daily to put me in a happy hopeful mood.  Seeing the big Audrey Hepburn frame hanging on the wall and the black and white polka dot sheets.  The way your hair smelled so good and infused with the fruitiest of shampoos.  You playing Mystical Ninja eagerly and trying so very hard to defeat the robot boss and the look on your face when you whipped around at me in shock saying I Did It!

https://youtu.be/C8w8SAB5wxA

I still think back to just watching you.  Watching you drive with one hand on the wheel and the other out the window, the sun reflecting off of your skin and your voice singing along to any and every song.  The way you would be on your laptop doing homework and choosing which ones mattered more than others and the Powerpoints that you had to create, your eyes scanning over every little thing as your fingers typed away.  I love the way your hair hangs over your eyes and the feeling of it slipping through my fingers when you would lay on my lap on the couch while we watched TV.  I admit to having looked at you sleeping a few times because you looked so peaceful, during a rough time that you were going through it felt good to know that there was some relief in there that you were able to get to.  I loved watched you out of the shower because the water laid on your skin in a way that screamed to be photographed.  You looked adorable and sexy at the same time when we would go to Universal and you would wear the leggings or pants that only went down to just under the knee leaving your calves exposed and wearing your sneakers, there is just something about you that every single time I look at you I feel the same feeling of when I saw you for the first time.  No matter how you felt about your self or what diet you would try, you always looked gorgeous and have the most beautiful eyes mine have ever laid themselves on.
I don't have to imagine or fantasize what kind of mother or wife you would be because I see and saw it every single day.  You are a very unique and rare breed of person who has a heart that is like lightning in a bottle.  I learned a lot from you, esp now.  Growing up and knowing exactly what you want and what you want and need to do is very important.  I want to be not only the man you love but the man you can depend on.  I admit that I wasn't there before, I don't know what inside me didn't want to grow up or felt that I had all the time in the world for that later.  I see someone who is my exact soul mate and has been there through the thick and thin of it.  When I see you I see future and while hard to describe, I see right.  That feeling you get almost like fung schwei, where you just feel it.
The girl who lays in bed and gets you to call off of work to spend the day with her and you are so glad when you do.  The girl who kisses a piece of notebook paper and leaves it on the counter for you to see in the morning and plays Trivia Crack with you all week.  The girl who doesn't care what is being watched or played just as long as she is able to sit next to you and just be near.  The girl who buys food for a homeless person and their dog and offers her place to friends and family who have nowhere else to stay.  The girl who dresses as a witch and fills a bowl of candy in a halloween decorated apartment even if nobody comes.  The girl who works her ass off to make sure everything is good and continue an educational career that most don't even bother to pursue.  The girl who has the confidence and bravery to take chances and believe deep down what she wants.  The girl who crinkles her nose to get a smile and sends star wars reaction pictures through text and zooms in on her nose on facetime and watches Netflix together on skype and comments on twitch stream of any game I play.  The girl.
She told me her vampire dream and I began to write it for her, she told me about the ghost of a woman she sees that I always wanted to see too, she told me all the places she has worked and the friends she made and how she believes that it's us in the end.
The special kind of girl who gets tipsy and punches someone because of how much they love you and want to show it even if you aren't even there and then comes home to tell you about it and proceeds to have you go get steak and shake milkshakes and 2 boxes of tacos from taco bell.
I love this girl with all my heart and more.  When I saw her come out of her car earlier this year after not seeing each other for a long time, it was like no time had passed and was the most amazing feeling I had felt in a long time.  One of the many moments with her that I wished could've stopped time so the moment never stopped.  The preparations are being made and at the end of every day I still hold a pillow in bed like it is her and feel an almost psychic link to her like we could talk through our minds.  I know where my true happiness lies.  A lot of people can't say that but it's why I will always believe the meaning of life to be....Love.


and this:

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Early morning yearning

Woke up early after dreaming deeply.
Missing you a lot and am excitedly working towards the days I have been dieing for.
The snow is cold but I am warm to the bone with thoughts of you.
Your embrace and beautiful eyes.
A small P.S. as my heart yearns more and more.
Love you dew drop, I can always feel your hand in mine.  Warming me and my heart.  <3 p="">

Be-You-Tiful

3- The future continues and we've now hit a stage where we are firing on all cylinders.  We've gotten in shape, don't worry about bills, our careers are exactly what we want, and Maniac Mansion is being seen by a lot more than I thought and picked up by websites writing about it.  This gets me noticed by the creator of Maniac Mansion who commends my work and may offer me a job after my suggestion of remaking the maniac mansion game for current consoles with my art and style.  Meanwhile you get promoted at your job which you had been campaigning for and are in a position now where you feel you can breath and really achieve great things.  I celebrate with you and your ideas for expansive dreams grow as you tell me all about them and it fuels such excitement.  We continue to visit Universal but taking time to go to Disney now that star wars world has been built and opened.  During the course of the years and the upcoming ones, we start to cross off states on your bucket list for visiting all 50 states.  Being kids so much eventually puts the thought in our heads for maybe looking into bringing a kid into our world as well.  We kick around names again as long as it fits with getting stuck in the dishwasher and decide to try this year.  I secretly hope our first is a girl and we name her Layla (spell?) and I get daddy crazy thinking of taking her around with me to shop and putting hats on her.  It doesn't take much trying and we are lucky with a positive test and a creative way to break the news to all while I feel the utmost confidence that you will be the most amazing mommy.
We take that long talked about road trip with Mike and Sarah driving to Universal and spend a few days there laughing and having the best time ever as two couples enjoy the best amusement park there is.  It's an adult couple dream that we've always fantasized about where two married couples have a blast with the loves of their lives and you wonder how the hell everyone isn't doing the same thing, but secretly glad they don't as we have captured something special and we'll be damned if they take it from us.
A chance opportunity comes along where I can be a part of a game company as a character designer based on what they saw of my movie.  I take it on the condition that I am able to work from home as my wife has a nice round baby tummy growing and I don't want to be far from her so I am able to be there for her, esp when lil baby decides to make their way out into the world.  While the apartment was a good deal and helped when needed the most, we also look for a new place to live as to start our family in our own house.  We celebrate our yearly trip early by going to Europe where we chase down Italy, having seen a lot of the beaches in the US at this point.  The year goes along well with youtube episodes being put out that are far beyond our best and later in the year prepping for the delivery of what we find out is our little girl.  You go baby crazy too and have me paint a room to resemble the most amazing kids room there ever was.
Meanwhile since we can't keep up a youtube show forever, we have evolved Geek Sense into a brand at this point with a perfect venue for me to sell art pieces and with your clever ideas and help, develop a store that offers a wide selection of unique pieces of nerdiness for others to enjoy.
We continue to laugh until we fall asleep nestled in bed and I finally beat you once in harry potter scene it but it's very close.  I don't let a day go by where I don't let you know I love you and you are the most beautiful girl I've ever seen.  You request naked man and watch me play games and help with hints on what to do....and tell me I"m the most beautiful girl you've ever seen, it's strange but I appreciate it regardless.
The future looks very bright and the next few years brings with it a lot of growth, challenges,smiles, and happiness and with the excitement right around the corner, me not seeing the Last Jedi unless it's wit you and saving so so much to catch up with, my mind can think of a few notable events and plans that I envision with us including the following.............

Middle of night, can't sleep, visions of you

Middle of the night and can't sleep and just wanted to add a P.S. to the last post before the next countdown.
I miss you and think about you so much.  Bought you something that has meaning with it.  I am going to fast track this countdown because I just can't go without you.  Sweet dreams dew drop, love you like crazy.
Back to our regularly scheduled Final Countdown.

https://youtu.be/9jK-NcRmVcw