There is a commercial running now for Star Wars toys and it follows a little girl training dressed as Rey with her friends and at the end graduates to earning her lightsaber. She strikes it up and the look on her face fills me with such tear filled joy and a big heartwarming feeling of why growing up has changed my outlook on having a child. It's crazy to think back that just a few years ago I never wanted any believing they would take up all time and be way too much work to now wanting to have that connection and legacy where you pass things on, share experiences and grow with your child. Being able to do the things parents did, being on the other side.
I have been nonstop thinking of you and my mind has been running wild. What comes to mind most are the experiences that I relive daily to put me in a happy hopeful mood. Seeing the big Audrey Hepburn frame hanging on the wall and the black and white polka dot sheets. The way your hair smelled so good and infused with the fruitiest of shampoos. You playing Mystical Ninja eagerly and trying so very hard to defeat the robot boss and the look on your face when you whipped around at me in shock saying I Did It!
https://youtu.be/C8w8SAB5wxA
I still think back to just watching you. Watching you drive with one hand on the wheel and the other out the window, the sun reflecting off of your skin and your voice singing along to any and every song. The way you would be on your laptop doing homework and choosing which ones mattered more than others and the Powerpoints that you had to create, your eyes scanning over every little thing as your fingers typed away. I love the way your hair hangs over your eyes and the feeling of it slipping through my fingers when you would lay on my lap on the couch while we watched TV. I admit to having looked at you sleeping a few times because you looked so peaceful, during a rough time that you were going through it felt good to know that there was some relief in there that you were able to get to. I loved watched you out of the shower because the water laid on your skin in a way that screamed to be photographed. You looked adorable and sexy at the same time when we would go to Universal and you would wear the leggings or pants that only went down to just under the knee leaving your calves exposed and wearing your sneakers, there is just something about you that every single time I look at you I feel the same feeling of when I saw you for the first time. No matter how you felt about your self or what diet you would try, you always looked gorgeous and have the most beautiful eyes mine have ever laid themselves on.
I don't have to imagine or fantasize what kind of mother or wife you would be because I see and saw it every single day. You are a very unique and rare breed of person who has a heart that is like lightning in a bottle. I learned a lot from you, esp now. Growing up and knowing exactly what you want and what you want and need to do is very important. I want to be not only the man you love but the man you can depend on. I admit that I wasn't there before, I don't know what inside me didn't want to grow up or felt that I had all the time in the world for that later. I see someone who is my exact soul mate and has been there through the thick and thin of it. When I see you I see future and while hard to describe, I see right. That feeling you get almost like fung schwei, where you just feel it.
The girl who lays in bed and gets you to call off of work to spend the day with her and you are so glad when you do. The girl who kisses a piece of notebook paper and leaves it on the counter for you to see in the morning and plays Trivia Crack with you all week. The girl who doesn't care what is being watched or played just as long as she is able to sit next to you and just be near. The girl who buys food for a homeless person and their dog and offers her place to friends and family who have nowhere else to stay. The girl who dresses as a witch and fills a bowl of candy in a halloween decorated apartment even if nobody comes. The girl who works her ass off to make sure everything is good and continue an educational career that most don't even bother to pursue. The girl who has the confidence and bravery to take chances and believe deep down what she wants. The girl who crinkles her nose to get a smile and sends star wars reaction pictures through text and zooms in on her nose on facetime and watches Netflix together on skype and comments on twitch stream of any game I play. The girl.
She told me her vampire dream and I began to write it for her, she told me about the ghost of a woman she sees that I always wanted to see too, she told me all the places she has worked and the friends she made and how she believes that it's us in the end.
The special kind of girl who gets tipsy and punches someone because of how much they love you and want to show it even if you aren't even there and then comes home to tell you about it and proceeds to have you go get steak and shake milkshakes and 2 boxes of tacos from taco bell.
I love this girl with all my heart and more. When I saw her come out of her car earlier this year after not seeing each other for a long time, it was like no time had passed and was the most amazing feeling I had felt in a long time. One of the many moments with her that I wished could've stopped time so the moment never stopped. The preparations are being made and at the end of every day I still hold a pillow in bed like it is her and feel an almost psychic link to her like we could talk through our minds. I know where my true happiness lies. A lot of people can't say that but it's why I will always believe the meaning of life to be....Love.
and this:
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