Sleep is Best with Filled with You

Sleep is difficult, sleep doesn't know
Sleep comes for you at the end of the night and tries to woo you with its charms
Giving in is supposed to recharge you and fill up your batteries
Waking in the morning feeling refreshed and ready to start a new day
The bed feels bigger and more empty than it ever was
Reaching my arm over I feel nothing but open space
I don't feel you
Tossing and turning through the night unable to find that perfect spot of slumber
The sheets trying their best to hold you in position
To warm you when you need it most
The feeling of you holding on to me in the night is missing
The feeling of complete midnight bliss
When I do let the night take me into its arms, I dream
Dreams happen just about every night and each one a little different than the last
In one I am looking for you in a large department store
No matter what aisle I go down, you aren't there but I continue looking
In another there is a big dinner party being started and everyone is beginning to sit down
I say that we cannot start, not yet, not without you
The seat in across from me is empty and I know that is where you belong
I don't want them to start the feast when you aren't there
I worry and begin my search through the home to find you
A third is at a home I don't recognize and you come in to find me sitting on the bed
I apologize for everything, all of it, every moment of pain
We talk it out and by the end of it you have your head in my lap again
My hands playfully gliding through every strand of your hair
I can feel the connection, that lightning in a bottle that I felt only with you
Even in my sleep I can feel it running through my body
Dream or not I can't tell and don't care, you are there
We lean into one another and our lips meet, it feels so real
If I could see it I wouldn't be surprised if I had a smile on my face during my rest
I wake in the middle of the night to the darkness and silence of reality
I reach over to pull you close trying to make dreams come true
But you aren't there
Quickly my mind is filled with the memories and feelings of being with you
Being in our place under the black and white polka dotted sheets
My art hangs above us overlooking us like silent watchmen in the night
The window behind carries the soft patter of the waterspout in the lake
Small sounds of snoring from the dog can be heard as he sleeps underneath by our feet
I feel happy, like I'm where I should be
I move my arm and place it on my chest, only I can't reach my chest
Your body is latched on to mine with an arm across me, holding on
My arm lands on your body, the warmth is comforting
Our chests go up and down in unison and I can smell your soft hair just under my nose
That moment was when reality was better than dreams
Nothing I could ever dream of in that night could top what was actually in my arms
Days are filled with grey with dreams unable to provide any relief
Not without you
I sit up in the middle of the night in the darkness, in the silence
The shadows play with my weary eyes making me think maybe you just got up to get water
I leave some room and extra blankets so that you have it when you return
The rest of the night is a blur with dreams having me think of you
Morning brings no feeling of rest or relief
Not without you
The day goes by with no memorable moments and everything pushing to get to sleep once again
To close my eyes and enter a world where you are there
I reach my arm over to hold you but you aren't there
The pillows do their best to take your place, but they aren't real
I slumber best when I think of a memory of you
Your beautiful smile
The way you would say goodnight
The words Megels on my lips as I drift away to dreamland
The best sleep I ever get is when you are involved
The angel to my nightmares
I miss you dew drop
My heart beats with the biggest dreams imaginable and all are love for you
Always.

Love, Your Edward
xoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxo

Birthday Wish

The special day, the day of my birth that I celebrate on this day every year.  Unfortunately, I haven't really celebrated it or really been happy on it for about four years.  The last time I was truly happy on my birthday was with someone truly special to me.  The person who knows me best and always showed me what a good time actually meant.  A perfect birthday to me won't be achieved with gifts or cake or even being taken out to a dinner or having the day off.  A perfect birthday to me would be to spend it with that special girl who makes my heart beat to a unique tune all to its own.  What I want for my birthday this year is to conquer whatever it may take to hold that special girl in my arms again.  To wake up in the morning knowing I was going to have the best blast of a day possible with someone who's personality fit mine just like a glove.  There's no other girl out there that is more special than her.  I miss her dearly more and more each day and anytime I am feeling especially blue I think of her and immediately start to feel better.  If I had to make any wishes for any candles they would be to see her.  My talents as an artist can only be honed with a movie and a storefront that I am building on my own, the only thing missing is the piece that fit so perfectly into the puzzle that is me.  On my birthday I am filled with memories of her and all of the adventures that mean most to me.  The memories that I could and do write about every single day.  The name Megels is the most beautiful name that I carry with me on my birthday.  It is a name that brings joy and happiness to my heart.  Memories of going out to buy three pairs of shoes for me and on the first birthday spent with me, take me to the museum and incline and a dinner by the river.  The one person to ever call me dew drop or darlin and greet me with those wonderful names anytime I would visit her or see her.  She has a beautiful way of smiling that is shared with the person she cares about and it crinkles her nose in the most adorable of ways.  Someone who fought for me and watched me burn into the worst kind of me, stuck in a position that I cannot believe I had fallen into.  She's seen me at my weakest and my worst and always said that no matter what she would always love me and that her door would never close no matter what happened.  I keep a letter that you wrote near me all the time, one that I read on a daily basis.  Seeing your handwriting touches my heart and reading what you wrote warms my body.  Not a day goes by where I don't feel beyond awful for how I acted and the choices that I made.  It brings me down to the darkest depths of sadness.  Someone as perfect as you and someone who makes me feel that good should never have to feel bad or hurt by anything I do.  I am angry that I let someone else cloud my judgement and turn me into a fearful person who made all the wrong choices and like a woman who stays with an abusive man, I made up excuses and wasn't strong enough to get out of it.  On my birthday I am none of those things now.  I am the self I truly want to be.  A strong, confident, talented, kind, caring person who knows exactly what he wants.  However much work or time is needed to achieve these goals doesn't matter as long as in the end I achieve what I am striving for.  The art career that I make myself on a path I can mold into the image I want under my rules.  You always were so supportive of anything I dreamt up and were my constant muse no matter how much I didn't believe in myself.  The sheer amount of things that we did together and the little things that you did that mean so much to me.  The way you would watch me draw and comment on each one.  The way we would be gamers together and discuss all the different theories we had for upcoming movies and franchises.  Most of all was the music.  There was a certain soundtrack to our life that anytime I hear even just a note of one of our songs, it floods me with love and yearning for you.   The moment I hear Cher, Journey, Bruno Mars, or Lionel Ritchie, I see your face.  This birthday I wish for you.  Whatever it takes, however long it takes.  The seasons may change and the days may get colder but the one thing that will always stay the same is my love for you.  This birthday I continue my pursuit for art and inspiration with the Maniac Mansion movie, the Limits story, my gaming, and my undying love for Megels.  I've made a lot of mistakes this past year and beyond, some that keep me up at night feeling the worst I ever have.  This birthday I ask God for forgiveness for the pain I've caused and the mistakes I've made and ask that instead of gifts or cake or materials.....I ask to hold you again and blow out my candles.
Love is Key.
Always.

Love, Your Edward
xoxoxxooxooxoxoxooxxooxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxo

Rains Lead to Dreams of You

Each drop of rain falls into the puddles outside of my window.  The rain has lasted over a day now and as the temperature cools itself down with all of the liquid relief, there is one person on my mind.  There is a girl that I tell people who is the very definition of what I think of when I think of my soul mate.  She is a shorty but a cutie and stole my heart the moment I told her my first story when I worked at my first job.  Her silky brunette hair whisping by with every turn of her head and falling just over her eyes in such a way that made all the butterflies in my stomach bounce about in the most energetic of ways.  Her brown eyes were the windows that I did whatever I could to look into to see a multitude of visions.  A future with a bride I was ecstatic to see every day and build a life with that everyone we knew were jealous of.  We connect on so many levels from the beginning about a Marilyn Monroe book to our younger days of gaming and Star Wars.  Her skin is the smoothest porcelain that puts love into a physical feeling anytime my fingers felt their way across her cheek.  Most people would call a rainy day the opposite of good or a time that was somehow miserable.  I always saw them as a relaxing hypnotic sound.  Hearing all of the drops hitting the various surfaces, it lets your mind focus on something constant and soothes it.  While I can't say that a rainy day ever made me feel miserable, I can say that any day without you is miserable.  I want to make up mistakes and share in our laughs and fun adventures.  Develop my career and branch out in ways I never took the leap to do before.  Climbing up the chain with you at my side and creating something that is truly unique.  Happiness has eluded me and the last time I truly felt it was when I was able to hold you in my arms.  I miss smiling.  I miss you being the reason why.  I would continue to describe this beautiful other half of mine who wears nerdy shirts like a chewbacca or Zelda hey listen design.  The woman who shows off her Marvel Comics shoes and delivers gaming news to me that she came across on her phone.  I can't help but shed a tear because this month is the month of my birthday and it will be yet another miserable day without you.  I don't want gifts or dinners or cards....I want the one thing that makes me feel like I can conquer anything I put my mind to.  The one thing that gives my life so much purpose I'm practically glowing on the outside.  I want you.  I don't care what it takes or how it's done.  As long as the end result is you.  I will write until my fingers bleed and fall off because once they are linked up with yours they will be healed of all wounds.  Tonight is cold due to the weather and there is nothing that would warm my heart more both metaphorically and literally would be to have you joined up against me under the sheets.  The best birthdays I've had were with a beautiful girl named Megels.  Ever since those I haven't even celebrated let alone had one where I wasn't left crying or feeling bad for myself.  I hate how I let myself fall into a situation that destroyed everything I had built for myself.  I hate how I wasn't strong enough to jump ship to rescue what was left of myself.  I hate myself for hurting you.  I hate myself for leaving you.  My dreams tonight will be filled with you.  Filled with the thoughts of taking that trip down to see you for that weekend I owe you.  Seeing your gorgeous face in front of me again and holding you.  Making you smile and hearing your voice as we share everything together.  Getting a hotel close to Universal again and making love the way you would tell everyone was the best you've ever had.  Spending the weekend holding hands and riding all the rides and then at the end of the day walking past the small lake at the park like we used to.  The nights at the hotel having you latched on to me in bed and waking up to seeing your face.  Then just before I go I put it all on the line and ask you if you'll be mine again.  This time nothing short of God himself will rip me away from you.  I want to give you the happiest ever after.  Like we used to plan.  The one that makes me smile through all the hell I've gotten myself into.  The one where my heart sings to yours every night.
I love you darlin dew drop.
I dream of you tonight, the one thing that makes me the happiest.
Fingers will stay crossed I will be lucky enough to be the one who makes you smile again.
My heart is forever yours no matter what is thrown at it.
Always.

Love, Your Edward
oxoxoxoxxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

The Angel Who Touched my Heart

My heart is pained and while I sit here looking out the window at the rain
The only thoughts that run through my head are wonderful dreams of you on my brain
Taking a breath I transfer myself using the breeze to take myself back to that balcony
You with your legs up in my lap as I watched the wind blow through your hair
The sounds of the small waterspout in the lake in front of us providing the ambience
The way you would speak of your day was like hearing about the most interesting book
Light shines on your face brightening it in a way that was the very definition of beauty
Your hand laid on the side of the chair with a cigarette placed in between two fingers
The placement of your feet on my lap was the connection that made us one
Sammy laid down near us but couldn't make up his mind if he wanted outside or in
Warm temperatures crawled over our bodies and beads of sweat cropped up on our skin
I could see your chest moving up and down taking in every breath of the afternoon
To me, the day didn't start until I got to see you
The wait for you to be done with work was filled with everything I could to pass the time
Wanting to have more time with you as possible I did all the housework before you returned
Vacuuming the carpets, cleaning the dishes, and doing the laundry with a spring in my step
The fantasy of you coming home and greeting us, changing out of your clothes in the walk in closet
Between the slats seeing more of your skin exposed and wanting to jump inside with you
Sometimes an afternoon nap would be on the menu when our bodies called for it
The sheets being the perfect temperature and softness to accept us into its world
Your body pulled up against mine with your head on my chest, moving with my breaths
One arm around each other and your leg slung around me to hold on while you slept
That moment continues to be my favorite, the instance in time I could be in forever
I could smell your hair near my face, the fruity smell of your shampoo
The silky strands, soft on my face, the sound of your sleep permeating around me
Eating dinner later with you was a partnership that filled me with joy
Choosing a movie or show to watch while we munched away, the dog watching intently
Joking with you and sharing stories elevated the evening to brilliant heights
Closing out with us playing video games and helping the other as the best wingman
Often we would fall asleep right there in the living room up against one another
A Marilyn Monroe blanket over us and Breakfast at Tiffany's frame watching us
Waking up in the middle of the night to tidy up and go to the bed or just stay where we were
You always looked like a perfect angel when you slept, the most peaceful look adorning your face
I miss seeing your face, the one thing my stomach butterflies like most
The next day always carried a sense of excitement with it
Could be another work day that brought with it another happy race to see you again
Weekends could be a trip to Universal for a weekend of laughs, smiles, and hand holding
Certain times we would clean the place, dancing around to music while we worked
The beach being a destination sometimes where we would tan and play in the water
Every single moment and activity was my favorite in the world just being with you
There is no other person I love more than the beautiful girl that is my other
Feeling like a backpacker on a journey through an unexplored land
Hoping one day I will reach the top of the mountain and see you there
Beautiful beyond words and waiting for us to regain the funnest adventure in history
There is only one Megels out there and you have my heart, hook line and sinker
To wait for your hand is a journey that will be worth everything no matter what
I love you darlin dew drop, my heart is yours every hour, day, month, year
Whatever it takes to hold you again, that is my journey
You're the most perfect person that has touched my heart
It is all yours with a promised most amazing happily ever after
Always

Love, Your Edward
xooxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxooxoxoxoxooxoxox

Missing You Under the Moonlight Tonight

Sitting here missing you so much it's crazy.
You're the one person I felt was the perfect match.  There is so much I am dieing to share with you and wanting so much just to see your face again.  The happiness I had when I was down there with you is a eutopia that I would give anything to return to.  I do still read your letter and spend my nights thinking of you and the fun we would be having that night.
I miss seeing your face on facetime at night and spending time together.  Each of us watching the other doing our little routines and chatting about our days and the various nerdy things that we were watching out for.  Nights are so quiet and empty now.
There isn't a lot I want from my life.  A career I've created with my art and ideas, starting a family and inspiring others, and you.  You are a very special unique piece to all of that.
The awful feeling of how things were handled and how much was dropped out of my hands due to my own mistakes burns away at my core.
There truly is nobody like you.
I know new people have the leg up on me because they don't come with the blemish of having made mistakes and bad choices.  They haven't hurt you.  If given the choice of everything I want in life or taking back the pain I caused, I would choose the latter and do whatever I could to make it up to you and give you the best happily ever after that existed.
I want to give you those nerdy memories.  To join hands with you as we travel to the different big comic cons.  I want to lay between the sheets with you and play with your hair while we discuss what we think the next Star Wars movie will be about.  Those wonderful audible memories that float through my head daily....
Hearing you start a game up.  Trying your best to get through the many video games from your past.  Watching me play and hearing you say that you missed watching me play and that you could do it every day.
I miss watching you succeed.  You are a talented smart woman that I was lucky enough to watch pull herself up by her bootstraps and not let life keep her down.
The feeling that I get when I look at you is one that I never had felt with anyone until you.  A sense of correct.  Like I was where I was supposed to be and no matter how rough the seas got, I knew while our boat would rock....we would never capsize.
I miss bringing you flowers and visiting you at work.  Just that little few minutes in the afternoon always meant the world to me and were always the highlight of my days.
I know I wasn't always the best person in some situations but I wasn't letting myself grow up where I needed to.  Looking back on a few instances now, there would be a lot I would definitely handle way better.
The one thing that was always constant was your pure heart.  You care and are more real than any person there is out there.  You truly care.  You put others before yourself and when anything bothered me you always tried to help or do what you could to fix it.
I need you now more than ever.
I miss being able to watch movies with someone who could intellectually talk about it and enjoy it.  Hearing your opinion on things and being the nerd commentary for you on the many superhero films.  The best part was all of our common interests.  I miss sharing with you and knowing you were just as into it as I was.  From Ninja Turtles to video games and just describing things to you made me so happy.
I miss getting you presents and seeing your face light up when you saw what they were.  My favorites being the big Supernatural book, the autographs, Mystical Ninja, and Luigi's Mansion.  You are my pop culture girl through it all.
Another great memory that I go back to a lot is when we went to the comic con where they had a room of video games and we played that old school mario game where you could be different nintendo characters.
How we got those 1up boxes delivered to us for a while was always exciting and you even claimed some of the t-shirts that came with them.  I still haven't been able to wear the Universal T-shirts that I got there because they remind me of you and I can't do it without you.
I want to go to Universal with you dressed in Harry Potter robes and wave our wands around doing magic.
I would give anything for you to be in my arms right now.  Laying next to me with a smile on your face that crinkles your nose before you fall asleep.  Feeling you next to me and knowing that just being close to you I'll get the best sleep I could ever have.
You are my darling dew drop Megels.  Forever.
I know I messed up the worst and I would give up all of it just to erase that.
You are the love of my life, my Ramona Flowers.
The girl who I want to go to comic cons with instead of concerts.
To have beat me at Mario Kart and sing at the top of her lungs in the car.
I miss you darlin.  My heart just doesn't beat the same without you.
They may be new and different but they aren't me.  Aren't us.
I had your hand ready for that shiny beautiful ring once and I will do whatever it takes to be lucky enough to be granted that again.
There's truly nobody like you.
The most wonderful heart mine has ever beaten with in such gorgeous melodies.
I miss you darlin dew drop so very very much.
I love you with all of my heart and am here waiting for that moment.
Always.

Love, Your Edward
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxox

You are the Happiness of my Day

The memories of you fill my head like the deepest of oceans.  Every corner and crevice packed with smiles and laughs and the best times I have ever had.  The amount of room that more memories can fit in is eagerly anticipating the addition of more every day.  The days aren't complete without you and the best way to get through with a skip in my step is to think of the funnest adventures and experiences that we shared together that I like to play on repeat in my head.
The smell of you making the cream soup in the microwave.
Sitting on the couch in your parents house after you got home from work and watching tv until you were ready to go up to your room to work on homework and lay together.
The wall of pictures and frames you had set up next to your bed with all your memories including the big piece of art from Breakfast at Tiffany's.
When you got your peacoat and would wear it in the colder weather along with your white winter hat.
Your family's little porch parties on the warmer nights with neighbors.
Bringing you Panera Bread lunch while you worked at the bridal store and wanting to look my best so that the other workers saw who you were dating and maybe be jealous.
Closing at the customer service desk and seeing your smiling face come visit me on your way home from work.
Leaving you flowers on your car for you to discover when you left the Limited after a long day of work.
Seeing Frozen together for the first time and thinking it was really good and most likely going to be huge.
Playing Mortal Kombat one evening in our apartment and trying to pull off different fatalities.
Playing Star Wars Trivial Pursuit and you becoming a sore loser only to have us play the Harry Potter version and me being the same way.
Going to the aviary with you and seeing the penguins and the open room with all the birds flying around freely.
The night you came over and had a sexy outfit on under your winter coat and having to talk to my parents upstairs before coming down to see me.
The nights around an outside fire at Ellen's house and listening to their stories.
Telling the story of the crazy old woman who we helped at Hobby Lobby where there was turquoise everywhere.
Showing you the Nintendo coffee table that I made and your reaction to really wanting one yourself.
Sitting on the couch and watching the Force Awakens trailer with you over and over with smiles on both of our faces.
Holding your hand on every ride at Universal and hearing your laughs right next to me.
Those mornings getting all of our gear together and into your backpack before we went to Universal for the day.
Ordering the fritos covered pizza for the first time and trying it out as one of our first apartment order ins.
Watching you fall asleep on facetime at night and seeing you toss and turn until I fell asleep myself.
The way you say my name.
Taking me down to the river walk with Sammy to show me the neat little sites and ducks and little waterfall steps.
Hearing your voice on the phone when I took the bus home from work on Fridays before you went to spend the weekend with your parents.
Giving you massages at night until you fell asleep and always trying to sneek a peak at your butt.
Spanking your bum during the day until you got annoyed with it and then wanted me to do it again.
Every single day that I could see you was the best day of my life.
Never did I think there was anyone out there that is so perfect for me.
Two peas that fit so well together in their pod and shared so many common interests.
A one of a kind person with a gorgeous heart and a beautiful personality.
A nerd in pretty girl clothing with a sharp wit.
Missing you every day being lost at sea watching the sun go down every single night.
So many memories and more wanting to happen and be shared with you.
Knowing that there is only one person with the name of Megels who I want to share it all with.
My fingers are lonely for your company, the feel of your fingers caressing around them.
You are the best thing that has ever happened in the book of my life.
My heart continues to beat at your doorstep, wanting and yearning.
You are my fire
My one desire
You are...you are...you are......you aaaare
wo wo woo wooo
ahem
I love you with every piece of my soul
You truly are the girl I'd give anything to spend the rest of my days with.
Always.

Love, Your Edward
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxxooxoxoxooxxoxoxxox

Days that Belong to You

Days going with a special part of me missing.
Days without that smile that brightens every morning.
Days where your laugh was the most beautiful sound in the world.
Days going to the Universal hand in hand pointing out the turkey legs.
Days traveling to new countries together for new experiences.
Days watching Sam and Dean continue the family business.
Days where we slept in, cuddling in each other's arms.
Days on the beach where we hold pinkies while baking in the sun.
Days making chili or tacos to be enjoyed while watching a movie.
Days taking trips to flea markets to see what the patrons are selling.
Days in restaurants trying the new cuisine of the area or familiar favorites.
Days shopping getting the essentials and our own nerdy likes.
Days gaming together or helping the other out with guides and support.
Days drawing for you while you watch in wonder.
Days on the porch with your feet in my lap talking under the moon.
Days discussing baby names and who had to stay out of the dishwasher.
Days picking apart the Star Wars movies and where we think the next one will go.
Days going to the movies and walking to our seats like we owned the place.
Days getting home from work and letting Sammy run out to greet you.
Days where you tease me from behind the closet door while changing.
Days plotting out an art career with new and exciting ideas.
Days filing through Pinterest and what kind of wedding we want.
Days hearing your voice to get me through any tough or long day.
Days kissing your lips before work, after work, before bed, and everywhere in between.
Days reading to you from my favorite books or comics.
Days sitting on the couch going through seasons of a show on Netflix.
Days exploring the area to find out new places we can go and call our own.
Days where I read the letter you sent me giving me happiness in times I wouldn't find it.
Days wanting to say I love you in every way possible.
Days bringing you flowers just to see the smile that they put on your face.
Days quoting movies to one another while we clean the apartment.
Days singing in the car the only way you can while I slow head bang next to you.
Days I share with you are the best I could ever be granted.
Days without you is like an Earth without the color green.
Days hearing about your work day and massaging you at the end of the day.
Days missing you growing with every number on the calendar.
Days I want to be with you escalating by the hour.
Days I miss you darlin dew drop are every single one.
Days I love you number even more than that.
Days you are the one I want forever and always.
Days my heart beats for that one special girl who can make me feel like the best person in the world.
Days I am yours.
Each and every single one.
Always.

Missing you so much darlin.
Love, Your Edward
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxooxoxxoxoxo