Night Time full of Memories of Dew Drop

Days without you are the hardest days of all.  I would give it all just to spend a night with you.  Talk to you and work out anything and everything so we can have fun again.  Living a shell of who I really am was a stupid and damaging experience that I am ashamed was a hurdle I had to overcome.  I promise you that whatever it takes to have you in my arms again, I will make sure it is done to the best of abilities.  When something works and is meant to be it is the craziest feeling, a feeling that you just know and feel in the deepest part of your soul.  When just the mere thought of someone puts an extra perk in your step and a flurry of memories fly all around your head.  All day I relive more memories that we created, getting me through the day until night when I pray to the stars that my mistakes can be forgiven and worked through for us to be again.  I don't share this many happy memories with anyone I am even close with.  I can't remember the last time I laughed really hard or felt like I was truly appreciated.  I recognize that my mistakes are my doing and there isn't a day that goes by where I don't talk to God about what I have done and feel the pain of losing the one thing I want in life.  My favorite thing to do is recollect all the little memories and moments that showed me that happiness isn't an object or money but a short nerdy girl named Megels who carries the brightest sunshine in her pocket.
I still feel bad about continuing on and beating Mario Bros wii after you died fighting the final boss.
The power points that I helped you with during your online schooling.
Showing you the Walking Dead for the first time and you always getting reeled in by the cliffhangers at the end of each episode.
I love how the things you owned always had the same color scheme.  Black, white, pink.  From your bed sheets to your side lamp to how you colored your room.
Those cold winter mornings where I would sit behind you and watch you apply your makeup before you left for work.
The little gift things I gave you to try and make you smile.  The Notebook dvd with the scrapbook with it.   The little carrot guy dish scrubber that I messed up and replaced.
The painting I made of the couple walking down the rainy park path, making them look like us and how you said it was your favorite thing I ever made you.
The Nicole Kidman and Day of the Dead art you kept on your walls to be close to you at night.
Anytime I would fart you would always say 'Did you shit yourself?" with a sly smile on your face.
How spontaneous of a gamer you are, wanting to play Mortal Kombat one night and commenting on how realistic the graphics were in Beyond Two Souls.
I love how much you liked Spider-Man 2 and watched it again at your house with your sister one night, liking it just as much as the first time.
Taking me to Kohls where you got me three pairs of the same shoes that I wore forever until they just completely fell apart.
When I got bit by something and my shoulder hurt and you said to quit whining and it'll go away......which then got really infected and huge and the glee you had when you were tasked to pop it and do some excavation.  I still have a calloused spot there.
Calling me from work the minute after you got there so I could take you to the dentist because your tooth broke.
The way your eyes hurt after playing a game for a few minutes at night and how you'd push them up in the middle with your one finger.
When driving home from somewhere you just out of the blue said I was a really good driver.
Pulling through Wendy's at night and asking you to push up your cleavage to distract the worker.
Helping me through the dark caves of the Harry Potter ride with my glasses off so I wouldn't lose them on the coaster.
All the movie experiences at home that ran the gamut of emotions.  Fault in our Stars making us cry and hug at the end, Guardians of the Galaxy making us cry right away, you leaving a few minutes into Tusk hating it, how much Rob laughed during a Million Ways to Die in the West, our horror month in October, and you wanting to watch all my movies starting with the top and working your way down.
Lotioning up your back at night to give you a massage that made you fall asleep.
Going to eat at TGI Fridays after going to the zoo with you and the tube top you had worn that I couldn't keep my eyes off of.
The child like excitement we had watching you pick out the ring you wanted at the mall jewelers.
You singing to me in the car and in the apartment and me wishing I knew more of the words to join.
Banging the steering wheel when Journey came on.
I love how supportive and interested you are in my art and what I create and my future dreams.  Nobody has ever been my biggest cheerleader in that way.
Managing to find two kitties for us to raise and let me name them Harley and Quinn.
When we would come home from shopping, putting the bags everywhere and putting stuff away bag by bag.
My heart aches for us to be again.
Laying in bed is the loneliest place in the world without you next to me.
I want to share more and do more and experience more with you.
I know you shouldn't say what you wish for because then it won't come true but when I blew out my birthday candles I wished that we were able to work it out and really give it a chance for us.  I miss you in ways I have never felt before.  I feel like I don't belong and I'm not myself.  You are the special girl that brought out the real me, the one who has the dreams and ambitions to really make it big. 
Quoting Supernatural and Star Wars and Harry Potter.   To hear you say Wingardium Leviosa again.
Sending me that text picture of when the Cher song came on to your radio.
Tonight I pray to hear your voice again.
I lay here holding the pillow the same way I would hold you and promise to every single night.
Love is the most powerful feeling I have ever felt.
There's a lot of love out in the world and people throw it around a lot.
But true love....that's one of a kind.  Lightning in a bottle.
When I saw you, I saw that lightning.
Being with you I would marvel at the bottle full of lightning.
You're my true love darlin.
Always.

Love, Your Edward
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxo

Would You Be Mine

Would you take my hand again if I reached out for yours.
Would you smile when I made a corny joke.
Would you be the one to share in inside jokes like turkey leg and ouch my balls hurt.
Would you walk through the fields of flowers with the wind in your hair.
Would you forgive me for the mistakes that I've made.
Would you let me kiss you goodnight and be your pillow through the night.
Would you be my player two for any and every game adventure.
Would you wear my clothes so that our connection was that much closer.
Would you read the notes I leave you in the morning on the fridge.
Would you join me on our lunches to eat together and spend time with each other.
Would you celebrate Halloween with me dressed as a pair in matching costumes.
Would you let me hold you again knowing I'll never let you go ever again.
Would you feel my fingers on your skin tracing all their favorite paths.
Would you let me call you just to hear your voice and tell you about my day.
Would you talk it all through so our future can be shared together.
Would you cross off moments on your bucket list with me by your side.
Would you be my muse in every project that comes to mind.
Would you join me in a new apartment to make it ours all over again.
Would you entwine our pinkies together while we lay on the sand under the sun.
Would you cosplay with me to comic cons as our favorite characters.
Would you laugh with me at all the videos in line for rides at Universal.
Would you go through baby names with me while I secretly agree on Layla.
Would you accept every flower I could ever find to give to you.
Would you be the one I get down on one knee for to be mine forever.
Would you let me show you that I am the man you fell for all those times.
Would you sing for me in the car while I danced next to you in awe.
Would you play games in the morning so I could hear them and wake up smiling.
Would you call me dew drop every chance you got to feed my tummy butterflies.
Would you read every post I write to you smiling in your heart inside.
Would you giggle when I send you a photo of hiding little Wolverine.
Would you quote Harry Potter to me and have me guess which movie it was from.
Would you tell me you would punch a guy in the face to prove your love to me.
Would you let me prove to you my love and complete devotion to you.
Would you think of me and be reminded of us by certain objects or music.
Would you sing one half of our Cher song while I sung the other half to you.
Would you let me save you from any villain trying to cause you harm in any way.
Would you let me draw you more art that captures your imagination.
Would you accept my apologies and allow me to show you how true I am.
Would you travel the world with me keeping a scrapbook of each destination.
Would you dress in nerdy shirts and shoes so I can love you even more than ever.
Would you dine with me on as many dates as we can fit into a lifetime.
Would you hide under blankets with me when we watch scary movies.
Would you play Mario Kart with me so you can kick my butt up and down.
Would you be the one person in my life that I will do anything for.
Would you forgive me for allowing myself to become tainted by toxicity.
Would you let me make sure I say good night to you every night followed by a kiss.
Would you watch and debate all the Star Wars movies with me from best to worst.
Would you let me sit with you in my arms watching the sunset on the beach.
Would you walk the lake at night at Universal after a day of rides.
Would you let me come back to you with more love than ever.
Would you be mine.
Would you know that I miss you like crazy.
Would you believe I loved you even before you called me darlin that first time.
Would you believe I danced and jumped up and down the night you said I love you.
You have no idea how sorry I am for the things I've done.  You're the love of my life and the best friend I've ever had.  I don't want to live my life without you.  You have no idea how miserable I've been.  I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but you make me feel like the most important.
I love you Megels darlin.
Would you feel that love every single night that I send it your way.
Would you know I love you more than life itself.
Always.

Love, Your Edward
xoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxxooxoxoxoxoxo

At Night I Dream of You

When I think of things associated with you I am filled with love that knows no definition.
The way a new shirt feels on my skin, how you look in one of my shirts.
Your favorite being my Fight Club shirt or the way your hair falls over one of my hoodies.
I'll never forget the feeling of pure joy I get inside me when I see you wearing my clothes.
Laying on the couch with you while you did your discussion questions or scrolled Pinterest.
The couch that you eventually replaced with a new one but wanted my input on it as well.
You always valued my opinions and asked me about things that you were going to purchase.
How I hoped and prayed every night out on that sofa that you would come down that hall.
Then one night you did and I was one more step convinced in the higher power.
I could hear your footsteps coming down our little hallway and your voice in the darkness.
Joining you in bed is the single greatest feeling I have ever felt in my living life.
Your skin is unbelievably soft, you take great care of your body.
I could run my fingers over your body constantly all day and night, especially for massages.
Rubbing your back and trying to get peeks at your butt while I did it.
You would fall asleep after a few moments but I would keep on rubbing for a long time.
I never wanted to stop touching you, whether it be your hair or your hands.
Covering you with the blanket and moving enough hoping it would wake you just a little.
Just a little so that you would roll over and hold on to me like you always did in bed.
The way our legs entangled under the sheets was a dream before actually dreaming.
A knot of bodies in love with a feeling of relaxation that was contagious.
I tend to try and recreate that feeling at night alone here with pillows and blankets.
It's just not the same without you, nothing is at all.
The way you would be making dinner in the kitchen and us sharing duties.
My hands would wander and make their way to your hips or spank your butt.
You got so sick of me doing that but would later tell me you missed it so much.
You were a master chef of chili and a creator of a million dishes with just ramen noodles.
We had so many taco nights once we discovered how to make them ourselves.
That little log of meat that we fried piece by piece, the seasoning added last.
How we both had a unique cup to drink out of, yours being Barney from How I Met Your Mother.
I would kill just to hear your voice again, phone or in person.
It is the sweetest, kindest, and most stress reducing voice that reaches my heart.
I never minded when there were long stretches of nobody talking while Facetiming.
Just seeing you there was all I needed, your eyes the medicine to any pain.
They say the eyes are the windows to the soul, yours must be the most elegant glass crafted.
I would call them Bambi eyes, big and caring and with a sense of heart.
Your heart is the biggest of anyone I know.
You demonstrated it on an almost constant basis to not only myself but to friends and family.
Even so far as to help out with food to a homeless man and his dog.
I miss you so much I'm in almost constant agony.
My days at work are spent in an almost alternate reality while I think of you with every tick of the clock.
Scenarios and conversations with God on what I must atone for and what would be my dream.
A dream that has many different versions but all end up with the same outcomes.
I'm at work and putting things away when I look up and see you standing at the end of the aisle.
My heart stops  not ready to believe something like this is actually happening.
I drop what I'm doing and we run to one another into a hug that almost knocks us over.
I'm invited to my parents house for an evening for dinner and a movie.
I am depressed and barely make myself go and once I arrive they let me inside.
They say they have a surprise for me that they know I'll like and out you walk from the kitchen.
I begin to cry as I take you in my arms and inside thank God and say I'll never let him down again.
I take a few days off of work and drive down to where our apartment was and stay in the hotel nearby.
I put a message online that it's where I'll be and if you truly believe deep in your heart that our love is pure, meet me at the hotel.
I wait there going out of my mind hoping and praying that I hear a knock.
Just when I am about to give up hope and spend the night in sadness I hear that knock.
Opening the door to see you there, you say you can't believe you're doing this and we embrace.
We kiss and talk like we thought the other one had died horrifically but are found to be alive.
Making love and talking it out that night we make amends and promise never to be without the other.
Every day I make new scenarios while I work and while I lay in bed at night alone under the moonlight.
Each one ending the same way, me with tears in my eyes and my heart leaping out of my chest.
I say i'm so sorry and I love you so so much into your ear, squeezing you ever so tightly.
Holding proof in my arms that miracles do exist and that God is real and does listen.
If you mean it and prove it and are true, then he will listen.
Every day I continue to think of you and hope and pray every minute I have free.
I wasn't the best person and must live with the past that has darkened so much.
But every night I look up and ask for the light, ask to hold you again.
There is nobody in the world like you, you're truly one of a kind.
Whatever mountain it takes to climb to be yours again, consider me packed and ready.
I miss you Megels, I want to go on this journey with you, holding your hand.
It would be a million dreams come true to be yours again and put on that ring.
I love you with the greatest of passion, growing stronger every day.
Tonight I lay in bed, quiet and alone, but my heart beats a little quicker because I know.
I know that my dreams will involve you, and that's reason enough to hope and dream.
You are who I lay down my heart for.
Unconditionally.
Always.

Love, Your Edward
oxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

What I Would Give to Be With You

When I lay in bed I night I see your face.  Whatever it takes I want to do it to be with you.  In the evenings I miss the times when it was just us.  You on the couch with your laptop in your lap and me either next to you or on the floor playing a game.  You would watch and make comments on how scary the one enemy was or do your very best to help me out of a jam.  It felt so good to know that all I had to do was look behind me and there you were.  Your beautiful eyes watching me and throwing me a smile anytime I looked back.  You would share what you found on your pinterest and get up every so often to refill our drinks.  I leave the window open next to the bed so that I can hear the cars drive by as it reminds me of the sounds of the freeway that was behind our apartment and how I could hear them go by as well.  Birthday week came and went and I can honestly say it was the worst I have ever had.  Almost like it didn't exist really and it only pushed harder on the fact of how much I miss you.  Being with you there was always an adventure to be had.  Every day I wake up I kick myself in anger every minute I'm awake for the choices I made and how I let it all slip through my fingers.  My fingers are stiff from being crossed in hopes that one day I will be given one last chance to prove myself and pick up where we left off to forge ahead with new chapters together that are even more wonderful than the last.  My mistakes haunt me, every day and reliving the very best of our memories in my head.  What I would give for that weekend together.  Going to Universal, hearing your voice, meeting your eyes, holding your hand, just feeling you next to me.  What I would give to just sit and talk it out to craft any possible way we can to work it out and reclaim our adventures.  What I would give to wake up in the morning to see you and having our own place together that you would decorate for Halloween again.  To watch movies with you and hear your opinions afterwards.  What I would give to see you playing a game again, taking your contacts out and putting your glasses on because after playing for a certain amount of time the screen begins to hurt your eyes.  I miss planning with you and looking forward to thing with you.  I miss loving you.  I hate the life that I fell into and am not myself in the slightest.  That person messed everything up and I let fear and confusion let it happen.  What I would give to share every single little thing with you.  I want you to sing to me from the bathroom as you get ready for work.  I want you to fall asleep in my lap as we watch television at night.  I want to make you breakfast and eat all the chili you make and all the tacos we can craft together.  I want to make you more art that you hang on your walls.  I want to take a few days off of work and come visit you and spend time with you.  I want to lay on the beach with you holding our pinkies together in the sand.  I want to be there for your birthday and hope that when you blow out the candles you make the same wish I did when I blew out mine.  I want to make faces at you over facetime and have you guess more music.  I want to make you laugh as we drive to new destinations to take pictures of us together.  I don't want to go to sleep alone without you anymore.  I don't want to experience anything new without you by my side.  I don't want anymore time to be wasted unless I'm having fun with you.  I don't want to go to any comic cons unless I'm holding your hand.  I don't want to celebrate anymore holidays unless I can turn to my side and see you right there.  You reminded me what love and happiness was and never let me forget it.  You changed my life in ways that I never ever got tired of.  You are always the one constant that just seeing your smile either in person or in a photo puts me right up to the moon.  You are why love feels the way it does.  I miss you so much and want to work things out and be together.  I know I've made a mountain ahead of me that seems impossible to climb but I'll take on Armageddon itself if it meant being able to hold you again.  You are my favorite darlin dew drop.  The love of my life.  I love you Megels sweetness.  Always.

Love, Your Edward
xoxoxoxooxxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

A Day with You is the Best Day of the Week

I thought of you today, everything I did had a small piece of you with it.
When I woke in the morning I looked over to see you lying there next to me.
Getting ready for work recalling the music playing while you got dressed.
I took a shower looking through the doors to find the silhouette of you putting your makeup on.
Eating breakfast remembering how you liked your eggs and making toast in our toaster.
The many outfits you had and the line of shoes that decorated the bottom of the closet.
You'd blow dry your hair and look out at me through it as you cooled every strand.
Dressing I made sure to wear shirts you personally liked and how you'd look at my butt whenever I'd take my pants off.
So sue me if I couldn't hide a little smile that popped onto my face.
I miss taking little Sammy out for a walk around the sidewalks outside.
He'd let me know when he was all tuckered out and hot by taking a seat in the grass under the shade.
Walking out of the door there isn't a time when I don't look left expecting to see you.
Walking the dog or coming down just to see me before I left.
The car is hot but quickly fills with tunes that you would sing at the top of your lungs.
I add a slow head bang to christen the drive.
Work is tedious but the hours go by quickly as I cycle through my favorite moments with you.
I'd be lieing if I didn't say I fantasized during the day of seeing your face down an aisle.
Visiting on lunch and eating together outside under the shade of a nearby tree.
The best is when it rains.
It's soothing and I want to walk out into it and let every drop hit me.
Like when we got stuck in the rain that one day at Universal.
Smart of us to bring our flip flops.
There was something truly special about being caught in the rain with you.
Sharing in that moment and being drenched.
Your hair wet and stuck to parts of your face and the water drops sliding down your nose.
The way your skin shined under the moisture and small bubbles of water resting here and there.
Every so often a song would come on the radio at work and I would daydream a scene with us.
Ballroom dancing under tiki lights on the back porch near the beach.
Discovering new sights as we traveled up and down the cobble stone streets of Rome.
You'd look beautiful with your sun dress on under a big hat that shielded your face.
The drive home being the same, filled with our songs but this time the moon is listening.
Recalled times of watching the street lights light up your face while you drove home from work.
The times you were on facetime with me on your way while I started dinner.
The perfect passenger who made me feel like a superstar just being next to me.
The rain wasn't so hard now, making just enough noise to calm any afterwork feelings.
Coming home, the house is quiet and just for the hell of it I say darlin I'm home.
Only two cats answer the call but my heart prays that one day the answer will be you.
I don't play the best games I own, saving them for your eyes and ears.
Instead I pen to you and make sure that all chores and necessities are taken care of.
The end of the night beckons with the moon brightly shining through the windows.
The sheets are cool but the bed seems a lot larger than it ever has.
Miles away with the impossibility of hearing me, I still say it out in hopes it reaches you.
Nighty night Megels, I say with the pillows holding me softly.
It isn't long before my head is filled with dreams full of you.
Looking, waiting, holding, and loving you.
Each one unique and just as real as the next.
While looking at my video game news I saw that they revealed Luigi's Mansion 3 for the switch.
I don't have to tell you that I immediately thought of you and the fun you'd have with it.
While thoughts of you calm me to a deep sleep.
My heart races through fields of butterflies with visions of you abound.
If I had a flower for every time I thought of you
I could walk through my garden forever.
There is nothing more powerful than love
Love for you
Always.

Love, Your Edward
xooxooxxxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxo

Happy Batman Day

Missing you so much, After All

I wake up to your smiling face, so peaceful and so relaxed
The times you aren't there I hear the Lego Harry Potter game turn on
I come out and there you are, still looking a little sleepy but so beautiful
I make you the eggs you like and fill up your drink
Sitting next to you while you play is the best way to start any day
I open the balcony door and let in the breeze and warm morning
Your smile is all I need to make it the best day ever.

Well, here we are again
I guess it must be fate
We've tried it on our own
But deep inside we've known
We'd be back to set things straight
I still remember when your kiss was so brand new
Every memory repeats
Every step I take retreats
Every journey always brings me back to you

Thinking of you all day is the thing I'm best at
So many memories that cycle through my head at high speeds
When you broke the key to the apartment door and sent me a picture
Feeding you gummy bears while we played Little Big Planet
The way it made me feel when you watched me draw and encouraged me on
The empty rolls of toilet paper you were collecting up for a project of your own

After all the stops and starts
We keep comin' back to these two hearts
Two angels who've been rescued from the fall
After all that we've been through
It all comes down to me and you
I guess it's meant to be, forever you and me, after all

I miss you more and more as each sunrise and sunset goes through its daily routine
Getting the funny pictures you would text and sending you hiding little Wolverine
You make my heart skip a beat every single time I hear your voice
It's so melodic and wonderful woven with the most precious sounds
I was more thankful than you know when you would call before the weekend with your parents
Sitting on the floor with you and building our Mario puzzle in the heat
Planning on one day actually making it to Harry Potter World

When love is truly right
(This time it's truly right)
It lives from year to year
It changes as it goes
Oh, and on the way it grows
But it never disappears

You're the best partner in the world and the best player two
I want to travel the world holding your hand while we see every single sight and sound
Never want to let you never smile again, take away all pain that I've caused
I always remember dinner at the mexican restaurant when you told me your bucket list
The many different things you had already checked off and ones you wanted most
You are my constant muse, always making me be the best me I ever could be
The one person who could make me smile no matter how bad things got

After all the stops and starts
We keep comin' back to these two hearts
Two angels who've been rescued from the fall
After all that we've been through
It all comes down to me and you
I guess it's meant to be, forever you and me, after all

I love you with all of my heart and know that life is perfect when you are in it
Your voice singing all the lyrics in the car, one hand out the window
Jumping up and down in your feety pajamas and laughing until we cried
Sharing our days together and new projects and future plans
The way your face lit up when you were trying out rings at the Ormond mall
The way I still think about you laying next to me at night.

Always just beyond my touch
You know I needed you so much
After all, what else is livin' for?

Every single day my thoughts are for you Megels, every single minute
My heart took a beating and pushed that pain to others unfairly
No matter what it takes and no matter how long, I know the future is you
You're an amazing person and the most beautiful nerdy girl I've ever met
You know just how to make someone feel like they mean the world

After all the stops and starts
We keep comin' back to these two hearts
Two angels who've been rescued from the fall
After all that we've been through
It all comes down to me and you
I guess it's meant to be, forever you and me, after all

I miss you so much darlin dew drop
I love you so much that when I look into the sky I see the clouds writing your name
There's nobody I would want to spend the rest of my life with
Nobody as special and perfect and unique and beautiful as you
Whatever it takes to make up for it all
I'll be right here willing to do it all and more
Always

Love, Your Edward
xoxoxooxoxoxoxoxxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Losing Toxicity Breeds Pure Love

Being in what is most commonly called a toxic relationship has taught me a great number of things.  For one, you don't know you are in one until you notice one day that you have lost or destroyed all of that around you.  The things that you used to enjoy and pursue as a passion have lost their luster and have lost what made you interested.  It wasn't that they were grown out of, it's that because of the toxicity around you, negative things crop up in your head that taint all that you enjoy.  It is on the same level as starting a drug, it's new at first and different but after a time it has poisoned you and begun to take effects on you that you don't even notice.  A growing sense of depression and low self worth are the biggest side affects of this.  I didn't feel like I was worth anything at all and a monumental failure.  It didn't help anything that I kept getting fired from jobs and losing more and more money.  There was some sort of mental abuse and situational play going on that when someone becomes desperate or depressed enough, they will believe no matter how crazy the idea is. I soon believed that unless I made a crazy amount of money, I wouldn't be worth being with by anyone.  That my art talents were a dead end and not something to rely on or pursue for long because it would be a waste of my time and effort in the long run.  Things that I had overcome in the past began to rear their ugly heads and bother me a lot more again.  Also because they were being pointed out all the time and made fun of.  My height was a big one.  I know I'm short but until that toxic relationship happened, I was okay with it and almost had forgotten.  The kinds of interests I have felt like they were under scrutiny and that I was doing things that children would do and once reaching adulthood should probably have been left behind.  Then why did you stay as long as you did?  Why when the opportunities came along did you not just run to those and sever the ties of what was killing you from the inside out?  Like I said, your mind plays tricks on you after a while and you start to believe and fear things that ultimately aren't even there.  Fear became huge again.  The beast that took me years to defeat and become the master of had come back stronger and I was failing the battle. 

Now that I am out of that toxicity it is with great clarity that I can actually see the kind of person I was becoming and the choices I was making.  I am speechless and cannot even believe I acted the way I did.  Anyone that knows me even a  little bit knows that I wasn't myself.  But the one thing that kept running through my mind through it all was that there was someone out there who was the complete opposite of all of this.  The light over the darkness, the kindness over the hate, the love over the fear.  That was Megels.  You never made me feel less that I was.  You always supported my ideas and my dreams no matter what they were and offered any way you could to help those dreams.  You were more than my best friend, you were the soul mate that dreams are fueled by.  We didn't meet for no reason or by happen stance.  If everything happens for a reason then I believe that I had to go through all of this to truly know the value of the love of one person who means the world to me.  To give myself some grounding and maturity and see my life through eyes of someone who saw what the other side was like.  It is with great difficulty and sadness that I can even look in the mirror anymore because I see the person who ruined everything I have ever wanted.  I learned a great many lessons being in a toxic relationship.  Lessons that haunt my every night dreams.  I know I bring it up a lot but I read your letter on a daily basis and there are times when that is all that got me through a day or a night.  You mean the absolute world to me.  If there were a price on taking back mistakes and pain I would pay it no matter how high the cost.  I'm in love with a girl who I hurt because I was afraid and confused into believing I didn't deserve anything.  When days would get bad enough where I worried about myself, all I had to do was think of key moments that made me happier than I had ever felt.  Hearing your voice.

Holding your hand.

Laying with you.

Making you laugh.

Feeling your love.

You watching me create.

Gaming with you.

Eating a meal with you and watching TV.

Driving with you anywhere.

When you told me you hit a guy at the bar to prove to him you loved me.

Wanting to get me a month's worth of birthday gifts one day at a time.

Just tonight I put on Beat Shazam and could not think of anyone but you.  That night we played guess the song and I drove to Walmart to get a coffee table and kept you on facetime while I did it.

I've never missed someone this much.

I know I was a terrible person and really hurt you.  I pray every night for forgiveness for that.  There's nothing I would rather do than be with you and spend the rest of my life having the adventure of a lifetime with you.  The girl who wrote me that letter.  The girl who misses our music in the car.  The girl who is my gaming wing man.  The girl who holds on to me while we sleep.  The girl who quotes White Christmas, Supernatural, and Friends.  The girl who proved her love to me every way she could and more.  The girl who shares all of our same interests.  The girl who always peeked in at my blog and facebook and twitch even when she said she was done with them. The girl who still has some of my art.  The girl who gave me her heart.

I never ever meant to break it.

I always meant to give it the happily ever after part two.

I paid the price and shattered my reality.

But my heart still beats for yours.

Every day I daydream about being at work or visiting my parents or getting that call or message and there you are.  Looking unsure but hopeful.  Running into your arms, tears in my eyes and apologizing for every single little thing.  And never letting you go.  I know what love is.  The toxic relationship wasn't love no matter how I could try and spin it.  It never was.  Love is a short brunette with brown eyes and a crinkly nose smile who calls me dew drop and celebrates Star Wars with me.  Love is a girl I devote the rest of my life, promises, and self to, to show that I am for real and my love is real.  I refuse to let my mistakes define me and I refuse to deny my heart.  Love is the girl who looked me in the eyes and said I do miss you.

Love is Megels.

Always.

Love, Your Edward

xoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox