The way a new shirt feels on my skin, how you look in one of my shirts.
Your favorite being my Fight Club shirt or the way your hair falls over one of my hoodies.
I'll never forget the feeling of pure joy I get inside me when I see you wearing my clothes.
Laying on the couch with you while you did your discussion questions or scrolled Pinterest.
The couch that you eventually replaced with a new one but wanted my input on it as well.
You always valued my opinions and asked me about things that you were going to purchase.
How I hoped and prayed every night out on that sofa that you would come down that hall.
Then one night you did and I was one more step convinced in the higher power.
I could hear your footsteps coming down our little hallway and your voice in the darkness.
Joining you in bed is the single greatest feeling I have ever felt in my living life.
Your skin is unbelievably soft, you take great care of your body.
I could run my fingers over your body constantly all day and night, especially for massages.
Rubbing your back and trying to get peeks at your butt while I did it.
You would fall asleep after a few moments but I would keep on rubbing for a long time.
I never wanted to stop touching you, whether it be your hair or your hands.
Covering you with the blanket and moving enough hoping it would wake you just a little.
Just a little so that you would roll over and hold on to me like you always did in bed.
The way our legs entangled under the sheets was a dream before actually dreaming.
A knot of bodies in love with a feeling of relaxation that was contagious.
I tend to try and recreate that feeling at night alone here with pillows and blankets.
It's just not the same without you, nothing is at all.
The way you would be making dinner in the kitchen and us sharing duties.
My hands would wander and make their way to your hips or spank your butt.
You got so sick of me doing that but would later tell me you missed it so much.
You were a master chef of chili and a creator of a million dishes with just ramen noodles.
We had so many taco nights once we discovered how to make them ourselves.
That little log of meat that we fried piece by piece, the seasoning added last.
How we both had a unique cup to drink out of, yours being Barney from How I Met Your Mother.
I would kill just to hear your voice again, phone or in person.
It is the sweetest, kindest, and most stress reducing voice that reaches my heart.
I never minded when there were long stretches of nobody talking while Facetiming.
Just seeing you there was all I needed, your eyes the medicine to any pain.
They say the eyes are the windows to the soul, yours must be the most elegant glass crafted.
I would call them Bambi eyes, big and caring and with a sense of heart.
Your heart is the biggest of anyone I know.
You demonstrated it on an almost constant basis to not only myself but to friends and family.
Even so far as to help out with food to a homeless man and his dog.
I miss you so much I'm in almost constant agony.
My days at work are spent in an almost alternate reality while I think of you with every tick of the clock.
Scenarios and conversations with God on what I must atone for and what would be my dream.
A dream that has many different versions but all end up with the same outcomes.
I'm at work and putting things away when I look up and see you standing at the end of the aisle.
My heart stops not ready to believe something like this is actually happening.
I drop what I'm doing and we run to one another into a hug that almost knocks us over.
I'm invited to my parents house for an evening for dinner and a movie.
I am depressed and barely make myself go and once I arrive they let me inside.
They say they have a surprise for me that they know I'll like and out you walk from the kitchen.
I begin to cry as I take you in my arms and inside thank God and say I'll never let him down again.
I take a few days off of work and drive down to where our apartment was and stay in the hotel nearby.
I put a message online that it's where I'll be and if you truly believe deep in your heart that our love is pure, meet me at the hotel.
I wait there going out of my mind hoping and praying that I hear a knock.
Just when I am about to give up hope and spend the night in sadness I hear that knock.
Opening the door to see you there, you say you can't believe you're doing this and we embrace.
We kiss and talk like we thought the other one had died horrifically but are found to be alive.
Making love and talking it out that night we make amends and promise never to be without the other.
Every day I make new scenarios while I work and while I lay in bed at night alone under the moonlight.
Each one ending the same way, me with tears in my eyes and my heart leaping out of my chest.
I say i'm so sorry and I love you so so much into your ear, squeezing you ever so tightly.
Holding proof in my arms that miracles do exist and that God is real and does listen.
If you mean it and prove it and are true, then he will listen.
Every day I continue to think of you and hope and pray every minute I have free.
I wasn't the best person and must live with the past that has darkened so much.
But every night I look up and ask for the light, ask to hold you again.
There is nobody in the world like you, you're truly one of a kind.
Whatever mountain it takes to climb to be yours again, consider me packed and ready.
I miss you Megels, I want to go on this journey with you, holding your hand.
It would be a million dreams come true to be yours again and put on that ring.
I love you with the greatest of passion, growing stronger every day.
Tonight I lay in bed, quiet and alone, but my heart beats a little quicker because I know.
I know that my dreams will involve you, and that's reason enough to hope and dream.
You are who I lay down my heart for.
Unconditionally.
Always.
Love, Your Edward
oxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
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