Losing Toxicity Breeds Pure Love

Being in what is most commonly called a toxic relationship has taught me a great number of things.  For one, you don't know you are in one until you notice one day that you have lost or destroyed all of that around you.  The things that you used to enjoy and pursue as a passion have lost their luster and have lost what made you interested.  It wasn't that they were grown out of, it's that because of the toxicity around you, negative things crop up in your head that taint all that you enjoy.  It is on the same level as starting a drug, it's new at first and different but after a time it has poisoned you and begun to take effects on you that you don't even notice.  A growing sense of depression and low self worth are the biggest side affects of this.  I didn't feel like I was worth anything at all and a monumental failure.  It didn't help anything that I kept getting fired from jobs and losing more and more money.  There was some sort of mental abuse and situational play going on that when someone becomes desperate or depressed enough, they will believe no matter how crazy the idea is. I soon believed that unless I made a crazy amount of money, I wouldn't be worth being with by anyone.  That my art talents were a dead end and not something to rely on or pursue for long because it would be a waste of my time and effort in the long run.  Things that I had overcome in the past began to rear their ugly heads and bother me a lot more again.  Also because they were being pointed out all the time and made fun of.  My height was a big one.  I know I'm short but until that toxic relationship happened, I was okay with it and almost had forgotten.  The kinds of interests I have felt like they were under scrutiny and that I was doing things that children would do and once reaching adulthood should probably have been left behind.  Then why did you stay as long as you did?  Why when the opportunities came along did you not just run to those and sever the ties of what was killing you from the inside out?  Like I said, your mind plays tricks on you after a while and you start to believe and fear things that ultimately aren't even there.  Fear became huge again.  The beast that took me years to defeat and become the master of had come back stronger and I was failing the battle. 

Now that I am out of that toxicity it is with great clarity that I can actually see the kind of person I was becoming and the choices I was making.  I am speechless and cannot even believe I acted the way I did.  Anyone that knows me even a  little bit knows that I wasn't myself.  But the one thing that kept running through my mind through it all was that there was someone out there who was the complete opposite of all of this.  The light over the darkness, the kindness over the hate, the love over the fear.  That was Megels.  You never made me feel less that I was.  You always supported my ideas and my dreams no matter what they were and offered any way you could to help those dreams.  You were more than my best friend, you were the soul mate that dreams are fueled by.  We didn't meet for no reason or by happen stance.  If everything happens for a reason then I believe that I had to go through all of this to truly know the value of the love of one person who means the world to me.  To give myself some grounding and maturity and see my life through eyes of someone who saw what the other side was like.  It is with great difficulty and sadness that I can even look in the mirror anymore because I see the person who ruined everything I have ever wanted.  I learned a great many lessons being in a toxic relationship.  Lessons that haunt my every night dreams.  I know I bring it up a lot but I read your letter on a daily basis and there are times when that is all that got me through a day or a night.  You mean the absolute world to me.  If there were a price on taking back mistakes and pain I would pay it no matter how high the cost.  I'm in love with a girl who I hurt because I was afraid and confused into believing I didn't deserve anything.  When days would get bad enough where I worried about myself, all I had to do was think of key moments that made me happier than I had ever felt.  Hearing your voice.

Holding your hand.

Laying with you.

Making you laugh.

Feeling your love.

You watching me create.

Gaming with you.

Eating a meal with you and watching TV.

Driving with you anywhere.

When you told me you hit a guy at the bar to prove to him you loved me.

Wanting to get me a month's worth of birthday gifts one day at a time.

Just tonight I put on Beat Shazam and could not think of anyone but you.  That night we played guess the song and I drove to Walmart to get a coffee table and kept you on facetime while I did it.

I've never missed someone this much.

I know I was a terrible person and really hurt you.  I pray every night for forgiveness for that.  There's nothing I would rather do than be with you and spend the rest of my life having the adventure of a lifetime with you.  The girl who wrote me that letter.  The girl who misses our music in the car.  The girl who is my gaming wing man.  The girl who holds on to me while we sleep.  The girl who quotes White Christmas, Supernatural, and Friends.  The girl who proved her love to me every way she could and more.  The girl who shares all of our same interests.  The girl who always peeked in at my blog and facebook and twitch even when she said she was done with them. The girl who still has some of my art.  The girl who gave me her heart.

I never ever meant to break it.

I always meant to give it the happily ever after part two.

I paid the price and shattered my reality.

But my heart still beats for yours.

Every day I daydream about being at work or visiting my parents or getting that call or message and there you are.  Looking unsure but hopeful.  Running into your arms, tears in my eyes and apologizing for every single little thing.  And never letting you go.  I know what love is.  The toxic relationship wasn't love no matter how I could try and spin it.  It never was.  Love is a short brunette with brown eyes and a crinkly nose smile who calls me dew drop and celebrates Star Wars with me.  Love is a girl I devote the rest of my life, promises, and self to, to show that I am for real and my love is real.  I refuse to let my mistakes define me and I refuse to deny my heart.  Love is the girl who looked me in the eyes and said I do miss you.

Love is Megels.

Always.

Love, Your Edward

xoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox