I Love You and Always Will

There are so many stars in the sky and yet yours is the one that falls into my head constantly.
I think it hurts more than anything to feel how much you cared and kept and now not even a glance.  The thought that you took down or threw out my paintings and art to you is something too painful to consider.  Or that maybe you are doing things with someone else that you said you didn't like when with me.  Worst of all, not doing the things you liked a lot.  There is just so much about you that I miss and would give anything to experience again.  There's so much that me and you never got to get to do.  There's truly nobody else in the world I would want to experience the rest of my life with.  Like any normal person I have thought about it.  But all I would do is try and make them you.  There's only one you.  I look at our blue box that you kept and know that inside is the best of us.  The us that can be again.  Love never fades or goes away.  No matter how much you try and distract it or change it or force it, the real stuff is always there.  That's you for me.  Doesn't matter who it would be, they wouldn't be you.  You are incredibly unique and a part of me that I couldn't replace if I tried.  It's developed into chest pains and pressure when I think about our apartment and our nights together.  How much I miss it is starting to give me health issues.  I know it sounds crazy but like I said, that's love.  I've lost count of how many times I've broke down into tears.  On the way to work and hearing our songs.  During work when I miss your texts, pictures, and that feeling of looking forward to the end of a work day to see someone.  On the way home from work knowing that when I get there, you won't be there.  You won't be there to facetime or to hold or to spend time with.  Worst of all is at night.  The bed feels miles long with how empty it feels without you.  I would think by now my body couldn't produce tears anymore.  But I continue to wait and hope and pray.  I've asked for forgiveness for the pain I've caused every single night.  And every single night I lay in the dark wondering if I even cross your mind at all.  That letter you sent next to me with words I hope you still mean even just a little.  The world just doesn't seem right without you in it.  Everything feels off or faded.  I know it's not fair to you to hope and ask and want you but I do.  I can't help that I am head over heels for you.  I would do Florida again in a heartbeat, no question.  I built my life around you and still do.  I know that's a really stupid thing to do but that's how much I believe.  You fought hard and I was poisoned by fear and brainwashing and screwed up the best opportunity I ever had.  I will never stop hoping and writing and wanting you.  I know you still love me too.  Love never goes away.  We had something truly special that will not and cannot be replaced.  All I want is to see you again and talk and try.  This is no life to live.  I wouldn't wish how I feel on anyone.  I've had thoughts of ending it all way too often and I don't like that kind of weakness.  And every time I wish I could have you there to calm everything.  I miss you so much Megels.  I can't give up.
I won't give up.
Someone much smarter than me once said
I'll always love you and will always be there no matter what happens.  We have so much in common and i know that we will both achieve everything we want in life if we are together.  I'm hoping so much it's me you want.  That will never change.
I realize I hurt you after that and I would sacrifice a million lifetimes to change that.  But, I know the real Megels and I know that she truly believes that or she wouldn't have fought.
I say the same exact words to you.
I love you and always will and I will always hope it's me you truly want.
You're what keeps me going.
Always.

Love, Your Edward
xoxoxooxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxo