When a gift you have always asked for falls into your lap, do whatever it takes to hold on to it. The past two years had yielded not very many ups and so many downs. My memory has tried its best to dampen or not hold on to the bad times which makes any memory of those times very fuzzy and all over the place. There are just things that I remember in no particular order and moments that feel like a roller coaster. One Christmas morning she was working from home and I had gone and gotten her something from her favorite store that she said she wanted and she didn't even open it saying that she said not to get her anything. It ended up being returned. When the movie Rogue One came out, it was a Star Wars movie so I had to see it. I barely saw it because it took so long to get her to even go out to see it and at the end of it she couldn't wait to leave saying that it was just people shooting. One of the things I loved most was just torn down in front of me. Now she was there for me when I was unemployed and helped out where she could with food and support but once I got any job, she sort of fell back into the mode of that I was the man and should be taking care of everything. I continued to feel like a complete failure with nothing to offer at all. There were many nights that I just cried or would go to the window in my dining room looking out into the night at the stars. I would put my hand on the glass and whisper out loud to Megels in hopes that she would hear me. I would stream when I could in hopes that Megels would watch even if no words were shared. It got to the opoint where I felt bad and embarrassed and uncomfortable just liking the things that I did and that's when I started to stop doing anything I liked and just started to pile it up. Then one day, I got the most amazing news ever, that Megels wanted to move back for me to be with me. The new girl was living with me at this point with nowhere else for her to go as her mother didn't have their apartment anymore and was going to move away back home. I thought the new girl would have found a place by the time Megels was back and good to go but it just wasn't working that way. For how bad things were I still couldn't be an asshole back and just kick her out with nowhere to go. The unfortunate side effect to that that I should have thought through was that in doing this, I ended up hurting everyone much worse. She left her place and job and started to move up, her sister was moving down so they would only be in their parents house for a limited time. I had that time to get things ready so that I could let her be here and we could start again.
But, I had such problems and issues and overwhelming feelings of fear, anxiety, depression, and no confidence that I couldn't get anything to work out and saw in front of me, the effects of my inability to get this all sorted out. Everything was crumbling in front of me and I was hurting the one I loved more than anything most of all. All I had to do was get my confidence back and push the ball rolling. The time limit stressed me more and I began to break down because what I wanted most was being put in front of me on a silver platter and I couldn't make the moves needed. Megels was breaking and I saw just how badly my own self had gotten. Megels hit the wall and dropped it all and moved back down with her sister. Leaving me here, having messed up the worst I ever had. When she left I stood outside looking down the street crying because I let what I wanted fall through my fingers. Things didn't get any better after that. The love of my life and the best partner I ever had now had an almost hatred of me of which was my own fault. I hurt her and that was something I never ever wanted to do. The next few months would only prove that I made the worst mistake I could have possibly made. Fights were more common, going to work became a struggle, and coming home knowing she was there only brought my depression down even lower. I started to get to a level of sad that I hadn't been in a very long time. Nothing worked anymore and it seemed like me and the new girl were just turning into house mates who hated one another. It wasn't long before every single thing seemed to be an issue or cause an argument or a hateful comment. It reached a point where I was just depressed constantly and ate less, did less, and just became a sort of zombie. I began to realize that I wasn't me anymore. I was just this shell that did the day to day things like they were pre-programmed into me, barely noticing the world around me. The depression just grew and grew and I didn't enjoy anything anymore. Halfway through the new year, she started to talk to different people and is now moving on to someone new. My hand touches that window every night looking out over those stars whispering the same thing. I miss you Megels. Thinking the worst was possibly over, there was still a depression that was beginning to take the wheel of my life.
The story continues in part 24.......................
My heart beats out over the night sky, leaping from cloud to cloud on its way over to you. The pain I have caused keeps me up at night and I miss you more and more with every sunset. You are my perfect match who can share in all of our common interests. I love you dew drop, that has never changed. The seasons may come and go but the one thing that remains constant is my feelings towards you. There's nobody else in the world that I can say 'ouch my balls hurt' and they'll now exactly what I'm talking about, always.
Love, Your Edward
xoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxooxoxooxoxoxoxoxo
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