Christmas Without My True Darling

The most joyous and wonderful day of the year has arrived again and I sit feeling the emptiest I have ever felt.  Not a single anything feels like Christmas and because of the depression and being without you, I almost have a beginning scrooge-like feeling about the holiday where I just don't even want to look at it.  But it wasn't that way and I did feel the happiest times of the holiday when I was with you.  My memories of this season are jam packed with all memories of you and us and the many things that happened.  The first and best of those was when we were working at the Limited and during your one break in between shifts, we popped over to Home Depot to get a little tree for ourselves.  You took a nap in the car for a bit and then we took a night to decorate our little tree with ornaments you brought over as well as the two ornaments that mean the most to me.  One being the penguin on his ice cube sliding and the other being our first Christmas together ornament with Simba and Nala on it.  We took a few minutes afterwards to take pictures of our work and there is one in particular that has been my absolute favorite.  The out of focus you in the background has a very sweet romantic warm feeling to it that pulls my heart strings every single time I see it. 

Every Christmas I associate with you.  The snow reminds me of cleaning it off your car, being warm inside snuggled up with you, the white winter hat you would wear, and getting you gifts.  Your eyes lit up like crazy when you opened Luigi's Mansion and the Supernatural autographs.
We upgraded our holiday after that while we were in a different state starting our new life together.  Getting our first full size tree and lugging it inside our little apartment.  Spending the evening putting up the lights and ornaments while I put on Christmas shows and roasts off of youtube for us to watch.  All of those same ornaments coming back again for a new tradition between us.

When I think of Christmas I think of you, Megels.  No matter what.  Every little thing is a beautiful memory and reminder from the snow to the cold to the tree to the music to the red and green.  I don't want to keep having empty holidays, they just aren't the same without you.
I know we could have the very best and funnest holiday with the two of us being the most adorable nerds there ever was.  I miss you so much and if we are to have one wish every Christmas, then this year my wish would be to have you.  To go back and do whatever it took to not make the mistakes I made and cause the pain that I did.  To tell myself to never leave you down there.  To take advantage of the times you came up here because in the end I suffered more than I ever want to again in my life.  Every day is just tears, pain, and depression to the point where I hate even waking up.  That's not the me I want to be and that's not the me that you fell for.  My Christmas wish is to have you in my arms again.  To pick up where we left off and go the distance this time.  From the nerdy wedding to sharing Supernatural memes and quoting ninja turtles and our favorite movies.  I don't want any gifts  this year, just one cute brown eyed girl. 
I miss you darlin.  You are my Christmas because you bring so much joy and happiness with you.  I am sad unsure if I even cross your mind anymore.  Because you do in mind constantly.  I'm right here and always will be waiting.  You never have to settle, grow up, change, or hide your true self.  This Christmas my wish is you.  I wish upon all the holiday cheer, every shiny ornament and flashing lightbulb.  Christmas just isn't Christmas without you.  I would give anything to come home to you dew drop and kiss you under the mistletoe and hold you warmly under the lights of the tree.  This year, my Christmas goes to Megels, in hopes that I will get the chance to truly show her that her heart is the most precious object in existence and the real reason to celebrate.
I love you darlin
No Christmas will ever be complete without you
I'll be under the tree waiting for you
Mistletoe and love in hand.

Always

Love, Your Christmas Edward
xoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoox